1996-01-12 18:20:27 +00:00
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Zippy the pinhead data base.
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Everything up to the first ascii \000 (`null') character is a comment.
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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The file consists of Zippy quotations (from various comic books and
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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strips by Bill Griffith) followed by a null character.
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1996-01-12 18:20:27 +00:00
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Newline characters following a quotation are ignored and are present
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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only for readability.
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Have FUN!
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This file is currently used by:
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* the FORTUNE program on OZ.AI.MIT.EDU
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* the m-x yow command in GNU Emacs.
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* NIL (MIT Common Lisp)'s debugger
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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* something Bandy wrote at LLL-CRG.ARPA (fucking death labs).
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* Henry's Zippy proxy (http://www.metahtml.com/apps/zippy/)
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAQUIRI!!
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A dwarf is passing out somewhere in Detroit!
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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A GRAM?? A BRAM... A GROOM... A BROOM... Oh, Yeh!! Wash the
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ROOM!!
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...A housewife is wearing a polypyrene jumpsuit!!
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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A shapely CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRL is FIDGETING inside my costume..
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A wide-eyed, innocent UNICORN, poised delicately in a MEADOW filled with
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LILACS, LOLLIPOPS & small CHILDREN at the HUSH of twilight??
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Actually, what I'd like is a little toy spaceship!!
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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After this, I'm going to BURN some RUBBER!!
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After THIS, let's go to PHILADELPHIA and have TRIPLETS!!
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AIEEEEE! I am having an UNDULATING EXPERIENCE!
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ALFRED JARRY! Say something about th' DEATH of DISCO!!
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled
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by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS...
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All of a sudden, I want to THROW OVER my promising ACTING CAREER,
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grow a LONG BLACK BEARD and wear a BASEBALL HAT!!
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... Although I don't know WHY!!
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All of life is a blur of Republicans and meat!
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All right, you degenerates! I want this place evacuated in 20 seconds!
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All this time I've been VIEWING a RUSSIAN MIDGET SODOMIZE a HOUSECAT!
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Alright, you!! Imitate a WOUNDED SEAL pleading for a PARKING SPACE!!
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Am I accompanied by a PARENT or GUARDIAN?
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Am I elected yet?
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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..Am I in a SOAP OPERA??
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Am I in GRADUATE SCHOOL yet?
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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Am I SHOPLIFTING?
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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America!! I saw it all!! Vomiting! Waving! JERRY FALWELLING into
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your void tube of UHF oblivion!! SAFEWAY of the mind --
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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An air of FRENCH FRIES permeates my nostrils!!
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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An INK-LING? Sure -- TAKE one!! Did you BUY any COMMUNIST UNIFORMS??
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An Italian is COMBING his hair in suburban DES MOINES!
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And furthermore, my bowling average is unimpeachable!!!
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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ANN JILLIAN'S HAIR makes LONI ANDERSON'S HAIR look like
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RICARDO MONTALBAN'S HAIR!
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Are BOTH T.V.S on??
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.. are the STEWED PRUNES still in the HAIR DRYER?
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..Are we having FUN yet...?
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Are we live or on tape?
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Are we on STRIKE yet?
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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Are we THERE yet?
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Are we THERE yet? My MIND is a SUBMARINE!!
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Are we THERE yet?!
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Are we THERE yet??
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Are you guys lined up for the METHADONE PROGRAM or FOOD STAMPS??
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Are you mentally here at Pizza Hut??
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Are you selling NYLON OIL WELLS?? If so, we can use TWO DOZEN!!
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Are you still an ALCOHOLIC?
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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Are you still SEXUALLY ACTIVE? Did you BRING th' REINFORCEMENTS?
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As a FAD follower, my BEVERAGE choices are rich and fulfilling!
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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As President I have to go vacuum my coin collection!
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1997-01-28 18:38:51 +00:00
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Ask me the DIFFERENCE between PHIL SILVERS and ALEXANDER HAIG!!
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Awright, which one of you hid my PENIS ENVY?
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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Bagels...
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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BARBARA STANWYCK makes me nervous!!
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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Barbie says, Take quaaludes in gin and go to a disco right away!
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But Ken says, WOO-WOO!! No credit at ``Mr. Liquor''!!
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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BARRY.. That was the most HEART-WARMING rendition of
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``I DID IT MY WAY'' I've ever heard!!
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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BEEP-BEEP!! I'm a '49 STUDEBAKER!!
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Being a BALD HERO is almost as FESTIVE as a TATTOOED KNOCKWURST.
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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BELA LUGOSI is my co-pilot..
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BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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... Blame it on the BOSSA NOVA!!!
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.. bleakness.... desolation.... plastic forks...
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Bo Derek ruined my life!
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Boy, am I glad it's only 1971...
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Boys, you have ALL been selected to LEAVE th' PLANET in 15 minutes!!
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1997-01-28 18:38:51 +00:00
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BRYLCREAM is CREAM O' WHEAT in another DIMENSION..
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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But was he mature enough last night at the lesbian masquerade?
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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By MEER biz doo SCHOIN..
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C'MON, everybody!! I've flown in LESLIE GORE and two dozen KOSHER
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BUTCHERS! They'll be doing intricate MILITARY MANEUVERS to the
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soundtrack from "OKLAHOMA"!!
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CALIFORNIA is where people from IOWA or NEW YORK go to subscribe to
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CABLE TELEVISION!!
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Can I have an IMPULSE ITEM instead?
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Can you MAIL a BEAN CAKE?
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Catsup and Mustard all over the place! It's the Human Hamburger!
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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CHUBBY CHECKER just had a CHICKEN SANDWICH in downtown DULUTH!
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CHUBBY CHECKER owns my BUILDING!
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Civilization is fun! Anyway, it keeps me busy!!
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Clear the laundromat!! This whirl-o-matic just had a nuclear meltdown!!
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Concentrate on th'cute, li'l CARTOON GUYS!
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Remember the SERIAL NUMBERS!! Follow the WHIPPLE AVE EXIT!!
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Have a FREE PEPSI!! Turn LEFT at th'HOLIDAY INN!!
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JOIN the CREDIT WORLD!! MAKE me an OFFER!!!
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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CONGRATULATIONS! Now should I make thinly veiled comments about
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DIGNITY, self-esteem and finding TRUE FUN in your RIGHT VENTRICLE??
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Content: 80% POLYESTER, 20% DACRON.. The waitress's
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UNIFORM sheds TARTAR SAUCE like an 8'' by 10'' GLOSSY..
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Could I have a drug overdose?
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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"DARK SHADOWS" is on!! Hey, I think the VAMPIRE forgot his UMBRELLA!!
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Darling, my ELBOW is FLYING over FRANKFURT, Germany..
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Dehydrated EGGS are STREWN across ROULETTE TABLES..
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Did an Italian CRANE OPERATOR just experience uninhibited sensations
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in a MALIBU HOT TUB?
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Did I do an INCORRECT THING??
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Did I say I was a sardine? Or a bus???
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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Did I SELL OUT yet??
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Did we bring enough BEEF JERKY?
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Did YOU find a DIGITAL WATCH in YOUR box of VELVEETA?
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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Did you GAIN WEIGHT in th' past 5 MINUTES or am I just DREAMING of two
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BROCCOLI FLORETS lying in an empty GAS TANK?
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Did you move a lot of KOREAN STEAK KNIVES this trip, Dingy?
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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DIDI... is that a MARTIAN name, or, are we in ISRAEL?
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo?
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1997-01-28 18:38:51 +00:00
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Didn't KIERKEGAARD wear out his TIRES in VIENNA during a SNOWSTORM of
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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FREUD's unpaid DENTAL BILLS?
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Disco oil bussing will create a throbbing naugahide pipeline running
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straight to the tropics from the rug producing regions
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and devalue the dollar!
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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Dizzy, are we "REAL PEOPLE" or "AMAZING ANIMALS"?
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Do I have a lifestyle yet?
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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Do I hear th' SPINNING of various WHIRRING, ROUND, and WARM
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WHIRLOMATICS?!
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Do you guys know we just passed thru a BLACK HOLE in space?
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Do you have exactly what I want in a plaid poindexter bar bat??
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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.. Do you like ``TENDER VITTLES?''?
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Do you need any MOUTH-TO-MOUTH resuscitation?
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Do you think the ``Monkees'' should get gas on odd or even days?
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Does someone from PEORIA have a SHORTER ATTENTION span than me?
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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Does that mean I'm not a well-adjusted person??
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.. does your DRESSING ROOM have enough ASPARAGUS?
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DON'T go!! I'm not HOWARD COSELL!! I know POLISH JOKES... WAIT!!
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Don't go!! I AM Howard Cosell!... And I DON'T know Polish jokes!!
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Don't hit me!! I'm in the Twilight Zone!!!
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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Don't SANFORIZE me!!
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Don't worry, nobody really LISTENS to lectures in MOSCOW, either!
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.. FRENCH, HISTORY, ADVANCED CALCULUS, COMPUTER PROGRAMMING,
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BLACK STUDIES, SOCIOBIOLOGY!.. Are there any QUESTIONS??
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Edwin Meese made me wear CORDOVANS!!
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Eisenhower!! Your mimeograph machine upsets my stomach!!
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Either CONFESS now or we go to ``PEOPLE'S COURT''!!
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Everybody gets free BORSCHT!
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Everybody is going somewhere!! It's probably a garage sale
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or a disaster Movie!!
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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..Everything is....FLIPPING AROUND!!
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Everything will be ALL RIGHT if we can just remember things about
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ALGEBRA.. or SOCCER.. or SOCIALISM..
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Everywhere I look I see NEGATIVITY and ASPHALT...
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Excuse me, but didn't I tell you there's NO HOPE for the
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survival of OFFSET PRINTING?
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FEELINGS are cascading over me!!!
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1997-01-28 18:38:51 +00:00
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Feel th' WHIRLING BUFFERS buffing away all that stress...
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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Years of ROAD TAR gently washing away...
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Finally, Zippy drives his 1958 RAMBLER METROPOLITAN into the
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faculty dining room.
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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FIRST, I was in a TRUCK...THEN, I was in a DINER...
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FIRST, I'm covering you with OLIVE OIL and PRUNE WHIP!!
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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First, I'm going to give you all the ANSWERS to today's test..
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So just plug in your SONY WALKMANS and relax!!
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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FISH-NET-FISH-NET-FISH-NET-FISH-NET-FISH!!
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Fold, fold, FOLD!! FOLDING many items!!
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FOOLED you! Absorb EGO SHATTERING impulse rays, polyester poltroon!!
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Four thousand different MAGNATES, MOGULS & NABOBS are romping in my
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gothic solarium!!
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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FROZEN ENTREES may be flung by members of opposing SWANSON SECTS..
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FUN is never having to say you're SUSHI!!
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Gee, I feel kind of LIGHT in the head now, knowing I can't make
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my satellite dish PAYMENTS!
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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...Get me a GIN and TONIC!!...make it HAIR TONIC!!
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Gibble, Gobble, we ACCEPT YOU ---
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Give them RADAR-GUIDED SKEE-BALL LANES and VELVEETA BURRITOS!!
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Go on, EMOTE! I was RAISED on thought balloons!!
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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GOOD-NIGHT, everybody.. Now I have to go administer FIRST-AID
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to my pet LEISURE SUIT!!
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Ha ha Ha ha Ha ha Ha Ha Ha Ha -- When will I EVER stop HAVING
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FUN?!!
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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HAIR TONICS, please!!
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Half a mind is a terrible thing to waste!
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Hand me a pair of leather pants and a CASIO keyboard
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-- I'm living for today!
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Has everybody got HALVAH spread all over their ANKLES??...
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Now, it's time to ``HAVE A NAGEELA''!!
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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Have my two-tone, 1958 Nash METRO brought around..
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.. he dominates the DECADENT SUBWAY SCENE.
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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He is the MELBA-BEING... the ANGEL CAKE...
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XEROX him... XEROX him --
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He probably just wants to take over my CELLS and then EXPLODE
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inside me like a BARREL of runny CHOPPED LIVER! Or maybe he'd
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1996-01-12 18:20:27 +00:00
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like to PSYCHOLOGICALLY TERRORIZE ME until I have no objection
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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to a RIGHT-WING MILITARY TAKEOVER of my apartment!! I guess
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I should call AL PACINO!
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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HELLO KITTY gang terrorizes town, family STICKERED to death!
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HELLO, everybody, I'm a HUMAN!!
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Hello, GORRY-O!! I'm a GENIUS from HARVARD!!
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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HELLO, little boys! Gimme a MINT TULIP!! Let's do the BOSSA NOVA!!
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--Hello, POLICE? I"ve got ABBOTT & COSTELLO here on suspicion of
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HIGHWAY ROBBERY!!
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Hello. I know the divorce rate among unmarried Catholic
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Alaskan females!!
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Hello. Just walk along and try NOT to think about your
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INTESTINES being almost FORTY YARDS LONG!!
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Hello... IRON CURTAIN? Send over a SAUSAGE PIZZA!
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World War III? No thanks!
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Hello? Enema Bondage? I'm calling because I want to be happy, I guess..
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Here I am at the flea market but nobody is buying
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my urine sample bottles..
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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.. here I am in 53 B.C. and all I want is a dill pickle!!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Here I am in the POSTERIOR OLFACTORY LOBULE but I don't see CARL SAGAN
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anywhere!!
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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Here is my refrigerator full of FLANK STEAK...and over there is my
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UPHOLSTERED CANOE...I don't know WHY I OWN them!!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Here we are in America... when do we collect unemployment?
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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HERE!! Put THIS on!! I'm in CHARGE!!
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Hey!! Let's watch the' ELEVATOR go UP and DOWN at th' HILTON HOTEL!!
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Hey, I LIKE that POINT!!
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Hey, LOOK!! A pair of SIZE 9 CAPRI PANTS!! They probably belong to
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SAMMY DAVIS, JR.!!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Hey, wait a minute!! I want a divorce!!.. you're not Clint Eastwood!!
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Hey, waiter! I want a NEW SHIRT and a PONY TAIL with lemon sauce!
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Hiccuping & trembling into the WASTE DUMPS of New Jersey like some
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drunken CABBAGE PATCH DOLL, coughing in line at FIORUCCI'S!!
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Hmmm.. a CRIPPLED ACCOUNTANT with a FALAFEL sandwich is HIT
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by a TROLLEY-CAR..
|
1997-01-28 18:38:51 +00:00
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Hmmm.. A hash-singer and a cross-eyed guy were SLEEPING on a deserted
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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island, when...
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Hmmm... a PINHEAD, during an EARTHQUAKE, encounters an ALL-MIDGET FIDDLE
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ORCHESTRA... ha.. ha..
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Hmmm... an arrogant bouquet with a subtle suggestion of
|
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POLYVINYL CHLORIDE...
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Hold the MAYO & pass the COSMIC AWARENESS...
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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HOORAY, Ronald!! Now YOU can marry LINDA RONSTADT too!!
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HOW could a GLASS be YELLING??
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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How do I get HOME?
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How do you explain Wayne Newton's POWER over millions?
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It's th' MOUSTACHE... Have you ever noticed th' way it radiates
|
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|
SINCERITY, HONESTY & WARMTH? It's a MOUSTACHE you want to take
|
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HOME and introduce to NANCY SINATRA!
|
1996-01-12 18:20:27 +00:00
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How many retired bricklayers from FLORIDA are out purchasing
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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PENCIL SHARPENERS right NOW??
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How's it going in those MODULAR LOVE UNITS??
|
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|
How's the wife? Is she at home enjoying capitalism?
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
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.. hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub.
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HUGH BEAUMONT died in 1982!!
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HUMAN REPLICAS are inserted into VATS of NUTRITIONAL YEAST...
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Hydraulic pizza oven!! Guided missile! Herring sandwich! Styrofoam!
|
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Jayne Mansfield! Aluminum siding! Borax! Pedal pushers! Jukebox!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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I always have fun because I'm out of my mind!!!
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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I always liked FLAG DAY!!
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I always wanted a NOSE JOB!!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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I am a jelly donut. I am a jelly donut.
|
1997-01-28 18:38:51 +00:00
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I am a traffic light, and Alan Ginsberg kidnapped my laundry in 1927!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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I am covered with pure vegetable oil and I am writing a best seller!
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I am deeply CONCERNED and I want something GOOD for BREAKFAST!
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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I am having a CONCEPTION--
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I am having a pleasant time!!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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I am having FUN... I wonder if it's NET FUN or GROSS FUN?
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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I am KING BOMBA of Sicily!..I will marry LUCILLE BALL next Friday!
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I am NOT a nut....
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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I appoint you ambassador to Fantasy Island!!!
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I brought my BOWLING BALL - and some DRUGS!!
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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I call it a "SARDINE ON WHEAT"!
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-- I can do ANYTHING ... I can even ... SHOPLIFT!!
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I can see you GUYS an' GALS need a LOT of HELP...You're all very
|
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STUPID!! I used to be STUPID, too..before I started watching UHF-TV!!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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I can't decide which WRONG TURN to make first!!
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|
I wonder if BOB GUCCIONE has these problems!
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I can't think about that. It doesn't go with HEDGES in the shape of
|
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|
|
LITTLE LULU -- or ROBOTS making BRICKS...
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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I decided to be JOHN TRAVOLTA instead!!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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I demand IMPUNITY!
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I didn't order any WOO-WOO... Maybe a YUBBA.. But no WOO-WOO!
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|
I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all
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|
just a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen--
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|
.. to sell more numbers!!
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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|
.. I don't know why but, suddenly, I want to discuss declining I.Q.
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|
LEVELS with a blue ribbon SENATE SUB-COMMITTEE!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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I don't know WHY I said that.. I think it came from the FILLINGS
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|
in my rear molars..
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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|
I don't think you fellows would do so much RAPING and PILLAGING if you
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|
played more PINBALL and watched CABLE TELEVISION!!
|
|
|
|
|
|
.. I don't understand the HUMOR of the THREE STOOGES!!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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I feel better about world problems now!
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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|
I feel like a wet parking meter on Darvon!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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I feel like I am sharing a ``CORN-DOG'' with NIKITA KHRUSCHEV..
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|
I feel like I'm in a Toilet Bowl with a thumbtack in my forehead!!
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I feel partially hydrogenated!
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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I feel real SOPHISTICATED being in FRANCE!
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.. I feel.. JUGULAR..
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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|
I fill MY industrial waste containers with old copies
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of the ``WATCHTOWER'' and then add HAWAIIAN PUNCH to
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|
the top.. They look NICE in the yard--
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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I FORGOT to do the DISHES!!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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I guess it was all a DREAM.. or an episode of HAWAII FIVE-O...
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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I guess we can live on his POT FARM in HADES!!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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I guess you guys got BIG MUSCLES from doing too much STUDYING!
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|
I had a lease on an OEDIPUS COMPLEX back in '81...
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I had pancake makeup for brunch!
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I have a TINY BOWL in my HEAD
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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I HAVE a towel.
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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I have a very good DENTAL PLAN. Thank you.
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
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|
.. I have a VISION! It's a RANCID double-FISHWICH on an ENRICHED BUN!!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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|
I have accepted Provolone into my life!
|
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|
I have many CHARTS and DIAGRAMS..
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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|
I have no actual hairline...
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|
I have nostalgia for the late Sixties! In 1969 I left my laundry with
|
1997-01-28 18:38:51 +00:00
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|
a hippie!! During an unauthorized Tupperware party it was chopped &
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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diced!
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|
--- I have seen the FUN ---
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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I have seen these EGG EXTENDERS in my Supermarket..
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|
.. I have read the INSTRUCTIONS...
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|
I have the power to HALT PRODUCTION on all TEENAGE SEX COMEDIES!!
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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|
I HAVE to buy a new ``DODGE MISER'' and two dozen JORDACHE
|
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|
|
JEANS because my viewscreen is ``USER-FRIENDLY''!!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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|
I haven't been married in over six years, but we had sexual counseling
|
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|
|
every day from Oral Roberts!!
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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|
I HIJACKED a 747 to get here!! I hope those fabulous CONEHEADS are at HOME!!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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|
I hope I bought the right relish... zzzzzzzzz...
|
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|
I hope something GOOD came in the mail today so I have
|
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|
|
a REASON to live!!
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|
I hope the ``Eurythmics'' practice birth control...
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|
I hope you millionaires are having fun! I just invested half
|
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|
your life savings in yeast!!
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|
I invented skydiving in 1989!
|
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|
|
I joined scientology at a garage sale!!
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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|
I just bought FLATBUSH from MICKEY MANTLE!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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|
I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!
|
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|
I just got my PRINCE bumper sticker..
|
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|
But now I can't remember WHO he is...
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
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|
I just had a MAJOR CONTRACT DISPUTE with SUZANNE SOMERS!!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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|
I just had a NOSE JOB!!
|
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|
I just had my entire INTESTINAL TRACT coated with TEFLON!
|
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|
I just heard the SEVENTIES were over!! And I was just getting in touch
|
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|
with my LEISURE SUIT!!
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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|
I just put lots of the EGG SALAD in the SILK SOCKS --
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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|
I just remembered something about a TOAD!
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
|
|
|
..I just walked into th' HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES with fourteen WET
|
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|
|
DOLPHINS and an out-of-date MARRIAGE MANUAL...
|
1997-01-28 18:38:51 +00:00
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|
A KAISER ROLL?! What good is a Kaiser Roll without a little
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
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|
|
COLE SLAW on the SIDE?
|
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|
|
I Know A Joke
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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|
I know how to do SPECIAL EFFECTS!!
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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|
I know how to get the hostesses released! Give them their own
|
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|
|
television series!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
|
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|
|
I know th'MAMBO!! I have a TWO-TONE CHEMISTRY SET!!
|
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|
I know things about TROY DONAHUE that can't even be PRINTED!!
|
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|
|
I left my WALLET in the BATHROOM!!
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
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|
I LIKE Aisle 7a.
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|
I like the IMPUDENT NOSE on that car.. Are you a TEEN-AGER?
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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|
I like the way ONLY their mouths move.. They look like DYING OYSTERS
|
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|
|
I like your SNOOPY POSTER!!
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
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|
|
... I live in a FUR-LINE FALLOUT SHELTER
|
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|
|
I love FRUIT PICKERS!!
|
1997-01-28 18:38:51 +00:00
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|
|
--``I love KATRINKA because she drives a PONTIAC. We're going away now.
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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|
I fed the cat. - Zippy''
|
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|
|
I love ROCK 'N ROLL! I memorized the all WORDS to ``WIPE-OUT'' in 1965!!
|
|
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|
|
|
..I must be a VETERINARIAN..
|
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|
|
I need "RONDO".
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
|
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|
|
I need to discuss BUY-BACK PROVISIONS with at least
|
|
|
|
|
|
six studio SLEAZEBALLS!!
|
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|
|
I once decorated my apartment entirely in ten foot salad forks!!
|
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|
|
I own seven-eighths of all the artists in downtown Burbank!
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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|
I OWN six pink HIPPOS!!
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|
I predict that by 1993 everyone will live in and around LAS VEGAS and
|
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|
|
wear BEATLE HAIRCUTS!
|
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|
|
I pretend I'm living in a styrofoam packing crate, high in th'
|
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|
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|
|
SWISS ALPS, still unable to accept th' idea of TOUCH-TONE DIALING!!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
|
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|
|
I put aside my copy of ``BOWLING WORLD'' and think
|
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|
|
|
|
about GUN CONTROL legislation..
|
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|
|
I represent a sardine!!
|
|
|
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|
|
I request a weekend in Havana with Phil Silvers!
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
|
|
|
.. I see TOILET SEATS...
|
1996-01-12 18:20:27 +00:00
|
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|
|
I selected E5... but I didn't hear ``Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs''!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
|
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|
|
I smell a RANCID CORN DOG!
|
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|
|
I smell like a wet reducing clinic on Columbus Day!
|
|
|
|
|
|
I think I am an overnight sensation right now!!
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
|
|
|
.. I think I'd better go back to my DESK and toy with
|
|
|
|
|
|
a few common MISAPPREHENSIONS...
|
|
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|
|
|
I think I'll do BOTH if I can get RESIDUALS!!
|
|
|
|
|
|
.. I think I'll KILL myself by leaping out of this
|
1997-01-28 18:38:51 +00:00
|
|
|
|
14th STORY WINDOW while reading ERICA JONG'S poetry!!
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
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|
|
I think I'll make SCRAMBLED EGGS!! They're each in LITTLE SHELLS..
|
|
|
|
|
|
...I think I'm having an overnight sensation right now!!
|
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|
|
I think my CAREER is RUINED!!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
|
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|
|
I used to be a FUNDAMENTALIST, but then I heard about the
|
|
|
|
|
|
HIGH RADIATION LEVELS and bought an ENCYCLOPEDIA!!
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
|
|
|
.. I want a COLOR T.V. and a VIBRATING BED!!!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
|
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|
I want a VEGETARIAN BURRITO to go.. with EXTRA MSG!!
|
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|
|
I want a WESSON OIL lease!!
|
1996-01-12 18:20:27 +00:00
|
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|
|
I want another RE-WRITE on my CAESAR SALAD!!
|
1997-01-28 18:38:51 +00:00
|
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|
|
I want DUSTIN HOFFMAN!! .. I want LIBERACE!! YOW!!
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
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|
|
I want EARS! I want two ROUND BLACK EARS to make me feel warm 'n secure!!
|
|
|
|
|
|
.. I want FORTY-TWO TRYNEL FLOATATION SYSTEMS installed within
|
|
|
|
|
|
SIX AND A HALF HOURS!!!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
|
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|
I want the presidency so bad I can already taste the hors d'oeuvres.
|
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|
I want to dress you up as TALLULAH BANKHEAD and cover you with
|
|
|
|
|
|
VASELINE and WHEAT THINS..
|
|
|
|
|
|
I want to kill everyone here with a cute colorful Hydrogen Bomb!!
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
|
|
|
.. I want to perform cranial activities with Tuesday Weld!!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
|
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|
|
I want to read my new poem about pork brains and outer space...
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
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|
I want to so HAPPY, the VEINS in my neck STAND OUT!!
|
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|
|
I want to TAKE IT HOME and DRESS IT UP in HOT PANTS!!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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I want you to MEMORIZE the collected poems of EDNA ST VINCENT MILLAY..
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BACKWARDS!!
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I want you to organize my PASTRY trays... my TEA-TINS are gleaming in
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formation like a ROW of DRUM MAJORETTES --
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please don't be FURIOUS with me --
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I was born in a Hostess Cupcake factory before the sexual revolution!
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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I was giving HAIR CUTS to th' SAUCER PEOPLE .. I'm CLEAN!!
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I was in a HOT TUB! I was NORMAL! I was ITALIAN!! I enjoyed th'
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EARTHQUAKE!
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I was in EXCRUCIATING PAIN until I started reading JACK AND JILL
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Magazine!!
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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I was making donuts and now I'm on a bus!
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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I will establish the first SHOPPING MALL in NUTLEY, New Jersey...
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I will invent "TIDY BOWL"...
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I will SHAVE and buy JELL-O and bring my MARRIAGE MANUAL!!
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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I wish I was a sex-starved manicurist found dead in the Bronx!!
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I wish I was on a Cincinnati street corner holding a clean dog!
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I wonder if I could ever get started in the credit world?
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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.. I wonder if I ought to tell them about my PREVIOUS LIFE
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as a COMPLETE STRANGER?
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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I wonder if I should put myself in ESCROW!!
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I wonder if there's anything GOOD on tonight?
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I would like to urinate in an OVULAR, porcelain pool --
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I'd like MY data-base JULIENNED and stir-fried!
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I'd like some JUNK FOOD... and then I want to be ALONE --
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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I'd like TRAINED SEALS and a CONVERTIBLE on my doorstep by NOON!!
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I'll clean your ROOM!! I know some GOOD stories, too!! All about
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ROAD Island's, HUSH Puppies, and how LUKE finds GOLD on his LAND!!
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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I'll eat ANYTHING that's BRIGHT BLUE!!
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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I'LL get it!! It's probably a FEW of my ITALIAN GIRL-FRIENDS!!
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..I'll make you an ASHTRAY!!
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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I'll show you MY telex number if you show me YOURS...
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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I'll take ROAST BEEF if you're out of LAMB!!
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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I'm a fuschia bowling ball somewhere in Brittany
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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I'm a GENIUS! I want to dispute sentence structure with SUSAN SONTAG!!
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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I'm a nuclear submarine under the polar ice cap and I need a Kleenex!
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I'm also against BODY-SURFING!!
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I'm also pre-POURED pre-MEDITATED and pre-RAPHAELITE!!
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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I'm an East Side TYPE..
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I'm ANN LANDERS!! I can SHOPLIFT!!
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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I'm changing the CHANNEL.. But all I get is commercials
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for ``RONCO MIRACLE BAMBOO STEAMERS''!
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I'm continually AMAZED at th'breathtaking effects of WIND EROSION!!
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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I'm CONTROLLED by the CIA!! EVERYONE is controlled by the CIA!!
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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I'm definitely not in Omaha!
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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I'm DESPONDENT... I hope there's something DEEP-FRIED under this
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miniature DOMED STADIUM...
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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I'm dressing up in an ill-fitting IVY-LEAGUE SUIT!! Too late...
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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I'm EMOTIONAL now because I have MERCHANDISING CLOUT!!
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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I'm encased in the lining of a pure pork sausage!!
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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I'm EXCITED!! I want a FLANK STEAK WEEK-END!! I think I'm JULIA
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CHILD!!
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I'm GLAD I remembered to XEROX all my UNDERSHIRTS!!
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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I'm gliding over a NUCLEAR WASTE DUMP near ATLANTA, Georgia!!
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I'm having a BIG BANG THEORY!!
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I'm having a MID-WEEK CRISIS!
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I'm having a RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE.. and I don't take any DRUGS
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I'm having a tax-deductible experience! I need an energy crunch!!
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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I'm having an emotional outburst!!
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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I'm having an EMOTIONAL OUTBURST!! But, uh, WHY is there a WAFFLE
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in my PAJAMA POCKET??
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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I'm having BEAUTIFUL THOUGHTS about the INSIPID WIVES
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of smug and wealthy CORPORATE LAWYERS..
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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I'm having fun HITCHHIKING to CINCINNATI or FAR ROCKAWAY!!
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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.. I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM
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of a KOSHER DELI --
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I'm in a twist contest!! I'm in a bathtub! It's on Mars!! I'm in
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tip-top condition!
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I'm in ATLANTIC CITY riding in a comfortable ROLLING CHAIR...
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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I'm in direct contact with many advanced fun CONCEPTS.
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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I'm in DISGUISE as a BAGGAGE CHECKER....I can watch the house, if it's
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ORANGE...
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I'm in LOVE with DON KNOTTS!!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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I'm into SOFTWARE!
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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I'm losing my hair..did it go to ATLANTIC CITY??
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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I'm meditating on the FORMALDEHYDE and the ASBESTOS leaking into my
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PERSONAL SPACE!!
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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I'm MENTALLY here.. but PHYSICALLY I'm purchasing NAUGAHYDE furniture
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in the' SUBURBS of PHOENIX!!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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I'm mentally OVERDRAWN! What's that SIGNPOST up ahead?
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Where's ROD STERLING when you really need him?
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I'm not an Iranian!! I voted for Dianne Feinstein!!
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I'm not available for comment..
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I'm pretending I'm pulling in a TROUT! Am I doing it correctly??
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I'm pretending that we're all watching PHIL SILVERS
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instead of RICARDO MONTALBAN!
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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I'm protected by a ROLL-ON I rented from AVIS..
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I'm QUIETLY reading the latest issue of ``BOWLING WORLD''
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while my wife and two children stand QUIETLY BY..
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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I'm rated PG-34!!
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I'm receiving a coded message from EUBIE BLAKE!!
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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I'm RELIGIOUS!! I love a man with a HAIRPIECE!!
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Equip me with MISSILES!!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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I'm reporting for duty as a modern person. I want to do
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the Latin Hustle now!
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I'm shaving!! I'M SHAVING!!
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I'm sitting on my SPEED QUEEN.. To me, it's ENJOYABLE..
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I'm WARM.. I'm VIBRATORY..
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I'm thinking about DIGITAL READ-OUT systems and
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computer-generated IMAGE FORMATIONS..
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I'm totally DESPONDENT over the LIBYAN situation and the price of CHICKEN..
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I'm using my X-RAY VISION to obtain a rare glimpse of the
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INNER WORKINGS of this POTATO!!
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I'm wearing PAMPERS!!
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I'm wet! I'm wild!
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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I'm working under the direct orders of WAYNE NEWTON to deport
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consenting adults!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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I'm young.. I'm HEALTHY.. I can HIKE THRU CAPT GROGAN'S LUMBAR REGIONS!
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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I'm ZIPPY the PINHEAD and I'm totally committed to the festive mode.
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I'm ZIPPY!! Are we having FUN yet??
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I've been WRITING to SOPHIA LOREN every 45 MINUTES since JANUARY 1ST!!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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I've got a COUSIN who works in the GARMENT DISTRICT...
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I've got an IDEA!! Why don't I STARE at you so HARD,
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you forget your SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER!!
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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I've got to get these SNACK CAKES to NEWARK by DAWN!!
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I've gotta GO, now!! I wanta tell you you're a GREAT bunch of guys
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but you ought to CHANGE your UNDERWEAR more often!!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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I've read SEVEN MILLION books!!
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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.. ich bin in einem dusenjet ins jahr 53 vor chr...
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ich lande im antiken Rom... einige gladiatoren spielen scrabble...
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ich rieche PIZZA...
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If a person is FAMOUS in this country, they have to go on the ROAD
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for MONTHS at a time and have their name misspelled on the SIDE
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|
of a GREYHOUND SCENICRUISER!!
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If elected, Zippy pledges to each and every American
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a 55-year-old houseboy...
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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If I am elected no one will ever have to do their laundry again!
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If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE
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will be replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
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.. If I cover this entire WALL with MAZOLA, wdo I have to give my
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AGENT ten per cent??
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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If I felt any more SOPHISTICATED I would DIE of EMBARRASSMENT!
|
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If I had a Q-TIP, I could prevent th'collapse of NEGOTIATIONS!!
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
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.. If I had heart failure right now, I couldn't be a more fortunate man!!
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|
If I have enough money to buy 5,000 CANS of NOODLE-RONI, can I get a
|
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VAT of MARSHMALLOW FLUFF free??
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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If I pull this SWITCH I'll be RITA HAYWORTH!! Or a SCIENTOLOGIST!
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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- if it GLISTENS, gobble it!!
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If our behavior is strict, we do not need fun!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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If Robert Di Niro assassinates Walter Slezak, will
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|
Jodie Foster marry Bonzo??
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
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|
If this is the DATING GAME I want to know your FAVORITE PLANET! Do I
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get th' MICROWAVE MOPED?
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|
If this was a SWEDISH MOVIE, I'd take off your GO-GO BOOTS!!
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If you STAY in China, I'll give you 4,000 BUSHELS of "ATOMIC MOUSE"
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pencil sharpeners!!
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Imagine--a WORLD without POODLES...
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Impudent.. Yet possessing a certain ALUMINUM SILICATE
|
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overbite....Needs REDDY-WHIP!!
|
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|
|
|
-- In 1962, you could buy a pair of SHARKSKIN SLACKS, with a
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|
``Continental Belt,'' for $10.99!!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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|
In Newark the laundromats are open 24 hours a day!
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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In order to make PLANS for the WEEKEND...so that we can read RESTAURANT
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REVIEWS and decide to GO to that restaurant & then NEVER GO...so we can
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meet a FRIEND after work in a BAR and COMPLAIN about Interior Sect'y
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|
|
JAMES WATT until the SUBJECT is changed to NUCLEAR BLACKMAIL...and so
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|
our RELATIVES can FORCE us to listen to HOCKEY STATISTICS while we
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wait for them to LEAVE on the 7:48....
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INSIDE, I have the same personality disorder as LUCY RICARDO!!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Inside, I'm already SOBBING!
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
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|
Intra-mural sports results are filtering through th' plumbing...
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Is a tattoo real, like a curb or a battleship?
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|
Or are we suffering in Safeway?
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Is it 1974? What's for SUPPER? Can I spend my COLLEGE FUND in
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|
one wild afternoon??
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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|
Is it clean in other dimensions?
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|
Is it FUN to be a MIDGET?
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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|
Is it NOUVELLE CUISINE when 3 olives are struggling with a scallop
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|
in a plate of SAUCE MORNAY?
|
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|
Is something VIOLENT going to happen to a GARBAGE CAN?
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
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|
Is the EIGHTIES when they had ART DECO and GERALD McBOING-BOING lunch
|
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|
boxes??
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|
Is there something I should be DOING with a GLAZED DONUT??
|
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|
Is this "BIKINI BEACH"?
|
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|
Is this "BOOZE"?
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
|
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|
|
Is this an out-take from the ``BRADY BUNCH''?
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
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|
Is this ANYWHERE, USA?
|
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|
Is this BOISE??
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
|
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|
Is this going to involve RAW human ecstasy?
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
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|
Is this my STOP??
|
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|
Is this TERMINAL fun?
|
1997-01-28 18:38:51 +00:00
|
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|
|
Is this the line for the latest whimsical YUGOSLAVIAN drama which also
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
|
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|
makes you want to CRY and reconsider the VIETNAM WAR?
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
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|
|
Is this where people are HOT and NICE and they give you TOAST for
|
|
|
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|
FREE??
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
|
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|
Isn't this my STOP?!
|
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|
It don't mean a THING if you ain't got that SWING!!
|
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|
|
It was a JOKE!! Get it?? I was receiving messages
|
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|
|
|
from DAVID LETTERMAN!! YOW!!
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
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|
It's 74 degrees, 12 minutes NORTH, and 41 degrees, 3 minutes EAST!!
|
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|
Soon, it will be TUESDAY!!
|
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|
It's a lot of fun being alive... I wonder if my bed is made?!?
|
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|
|
It's hard being an ARTIST!!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
|
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|
|
It's NO USE.. I've gone to ``CLUB MED''!!
|
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|
|
It's OBVIOUS.. The FURS never reached ISTANBUL.. You were
|
|
|
|
|
|
an EXTRA in the REMAKE of ``TOPKAPI''.. Go home to your
|
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|
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|
|
WIFE.. She's making FRENCH TOAST!
|
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|
|
It's OKAY --- I'm an INTELLECTUAL, too.
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
|
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|
...It's REAL ROUND.. And it's got a POINTY PART right in the MIDDLE!!
|
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|
The shape is SMOOTH.. ..And COLD.. It feels very COMFORTABLE on my
|
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|
CHEEK.. I'm getting EMOTIONAL..
|
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|
It's so OBVIOUS!!
|
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|
It's strange, but I'm only TRULY ALIVE when I'm covered in POLKA DOTS
|
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|
and TACO SAUCE...
|
|
|
|
|
|
It's the land of DONNY AND MARIE as promised in TV GUIDE!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
|
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|
|
It's the RINSE CYCLE!! They've ALL IGNORED the RINSE CYCLE!!
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
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It's today's SPECIAL!
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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JAPAN is a WONDERFUL planet -- I wonder if we'll ever reach
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their level of COMPARATIVE SHOPPING...
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Jesus is my POSTMASTER GENERAL..
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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Join the PLUMBER'S UNION!!
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...Just enough time to do my LIBERACE impression...
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Just imagine you're entering a state-of-the-art CAR WASH!!
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Just to have MORE FUN, I'll pretend I am JAMES CAGNEY and I am having
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a tense, UP-TIGHT EXPERIENCE!!
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KARL MALDEN'S NOSE just won an ACADEMY AWARD!!
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Kids, don't gross me off.. ``Adventures with MENTAL HYGIENE''
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can be carried too FAR!
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Kids, the seven basic food groups are GUM, PUFF PASTRY, PIZZA,
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PESTICIDES, ANTIBIOTICS, NUTRA-SWEET and MILK DUDS!!
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Laundry is the fifth dimension!! ...um...um... th' washing machine
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is a black hole and the pink socks are bus drivers who just fell in!!
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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LBJ, LBJ, how many JOKES did you tell today??!
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Leona, I want to CONFESS things to you..
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I want to WRAP you in a SCARLET ROBE trimmed with POLYVINYL CHLORIDE..
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I want to EMPTY your ASHTRAYS...
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Let me do my TRIBUTE to FISHNET STOCKINGS...
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1996-01-12 18:20:27 +00:00
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Let's all show human CONCERN for REVEREND MOON's legal difficulties!!
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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Let's climb to the TOP of that MOUNTAIN and think about STRIP MINING!!
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Let's go to CHURCH!
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Let's send the Russians defective lifestyle accessories!
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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LIFE is a never-ending INFORMERCIAL!
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Life is a POPULARITY CONTEST! I'm REFRESHINGLY CANDID!!
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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Life is selling REVOLUTIONARY HAIR PRODUCTS!
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.. Like I always say -- nothing can beat the BRATWURST
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here in DUSSELDORF!!
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Loni Anderson's hair should be LEGALIZED!!
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Look DEEP into the OPENINGS!! Do you see any ELVES or EDSELS...
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or a HIGHBALL??...
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Look into my eyes and try to forget that you have a Macy's charge card!
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Look! A ladder! Maybe it leads to heaven, or a sandwich!
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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Look!! Karl Malden!
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LOOK!! Sullen American teens wearing MADRAS shorts and
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``Flock of Seagulls'' HAIRCUTS!
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LOOK!!! I'm WALKING in my SLEEP again!!
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LOU GRANT froze my ASSETS!!
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Make me look like LINDA RONSTADT again!!
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Mary Tyler Moore's SEVENTH HUSBAND is wearing my DACRON TANK TOP
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in a cheap hotel in HONOLULU!
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Maybe we could paint GOLDIE HAWN a rich PRUSSIAN BLUE--
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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MERYL STREEP is my obstetrician!
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MMM-MM!! So THIS is BIO-NEBULATION!
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Mmmmmm-MMMMMM!! A plate of STEAMING PIECES of a PIG mixed
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with the shreds of SEVERAL CHICKENS!!... Oh BOY!! I'm
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about to swallow a TORN-OFF section of a COW'S LEFT LEG
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soaked in COTTONSEED OIL and SUGAR!! .. Let's see..
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Next, I'll have the GROUND-UP flesh of CUTE, BABY LAMBS
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fried in the MELTED, FATTY TISSUES from a warm-blooded
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animal someone once PETTED!! ... YUM!! That was GOOD!!
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For DESSERT, I'll have a TOFU BURGER with BEAN SPROUTS
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on a stone-ground, WHOLE WHEAT BUN!!
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Mr and Mrs PED, can I borrow 26.7% of the RAYON TEXTILE production
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of the INDONESIAN archipelago?
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My Aunt MAUREEN was a military advisor to IKE & TINA TURNER!!
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My BIOLOGICAL ALARM CLOCK just went off.. It has noiseless
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DOZE FUNCTION and full kitchen!!
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My CODE of ETHICS is vacationing at famed SCHROON LAKE
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in upstate New York!!
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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My DIGITAL WATCH has an automatic SNOOZE FEATURE!!
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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My EARS are GONE!!
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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My ELBOW is a remote FRENCH OUTPOST!!
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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My face is new, my license is expired, and I'm under a doctor's care!!!!
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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My FAVORITE group is "QUESTION MARK & THE MYSTERIANS"...
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My forehead feels like a PACKAGE of moist CRANBERRIES in a remote
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FRENCH OUTPOST!!
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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My haircut is totally traditional!
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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MY income is ALL disposable!
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My LESLIE GORE record is BROKEN..
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My LIBRARY CARD expired...
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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My life is a patio of fun!
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My mind is a potato field...
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My mind is making ashtrays in Dayton....
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My nose feels like a bad Ronald Reagan movie...
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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.. my NOSE is NUMB!
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.. My pants just went on a wild rampage through
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a Long Island Bowling Alley!!
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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My pants just went to high school in the Carlsbad Caverns!!!
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My polyvinyl cowboy wallet was made in Hong Kong by Montgomery Clift!
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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My TOYOTA is built like a ... BAGEL with CREAM CHEESE!!
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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My uncle Murray conquered Egypt in 53 B.C. And I can prove it too!!
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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.. My vaseline is RUNNING...
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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NANCY!! Why is everything RED?!
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NATHAN... your PARENTS were in a CARCRASH!!
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They're VOIDED - They COLLAPSED
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They had no CHAINSAWS... They had no MONEY MACHINES...
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They did PILLS in SKIMPY GRASS SKIRTS...
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Nathan, I EMULATED them... but they were OFF-KEY...
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NEWARK has been REZONED!! DES MOINES has been REZONED!!
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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Nice decor!
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Not enough people play SKEE-BALL.. They're always thinking about
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COCAINE or and ALIEN BEINGS!!
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NOT fucking!! Also not a PACKAGE of LOOSE-LEAF PAPER!!
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Not SENSUOUS... only ``FROLICSOME''...
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and in need of DENTAL WORK... in PAIN!!!
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1997-01-28 18:38:51 +00:00
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NOW do I get to blow out the CANDLES??
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Now I am depressed...
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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Now I can join WEIGHT WATCHERS!
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Now I need a suntan, a tennis lesson, Annette Funicello and two dozen
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Day-Glo orange paper jumpsuits!!
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.. Now I think I just reached the state of HYPERTENSION that comes
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JUST BEFORE you see the TOTAL at the SAFEWAY CHECKOUT COUNTER!
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Now I understand the meaning of ``THE MOD SQUAD''!
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Now I'm being INVOLUNTARILY shuffled closer to the CLAM DIP
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with the BROKEN PLASTIC FORKS in it!!
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Now I'm concentrating on a specific tank battle toward
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the end of World War II!
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1996-01-12 18:20:27 +00:00
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Now I'm having INSIPID THOUGHTS about the beautiful, round
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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wives of HOLLYWOOD MOVIE MOGULS encased in PLEXIGLASS CARS
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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and being approached by SMALL BOYS selling FRUIT..
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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Now I'm telling MISS PIGGY about MONEY MARKET FUNDS!
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.. Now KEN and BARBIE are PERMANENTLY ADDICTED to MIND-ALTERING DRUGS..
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Now KEN is having a MENTAL CRISIS beacuse his "R.V." PAYMENTS are
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OVER-DUE!!
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Now my EMOTIONAL RESOURCES are heavily committed to 23% of the
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SMELTING and REFINING industry of the state of NEVADA!!
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Now that I have my ``APPLE,'' I comprehend COST ACCOUNTING!!
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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Now that we're in LOVE, you can BUY this GOLDFISH for a 48% DISCOUNT.
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Now, I think it would be GOOD to buy FIVE or SIX STUDEBAKERS
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and CRUISE for ARTIFICIAL FLAVORING!!
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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NOW, I'm supposed to SCRAMBLE two, and HOLD th' MAYO!!
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NOW, I'm taking the NEXT FLIGHT to ACAPULCO so I can write POEMS about
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BROKEN GUITAR STRINGS and sensuous PRE-TEENS!!
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Now, let's SEND OUT for QUICHE!!
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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Now, my ENTIRE LIFE is flashing before my EYES as I park my DODGE
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DART in your EXXON service area for a COMPLETE LUBRICATION!!
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O.K.! Speak with a PHILADELPHIA ACCENT!! Send out for CHINESE FOOD!!
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Hop a JET!
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Of course, you UNDERSTAND about the PLAIDS in the SPIN CYCLE --
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Oh my GOD -- the SUN just fell into YANKEE STADIUM!!
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Oh, FISH sticks, CHEEZ WHIZ, GIN fizz, SHOW BIZ!!
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Oh, I get it!! ``The BEACH goes on,'' huh, SONNY??
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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OKAY!! Turn on the sound ONLY for TRYNEL CARPETING,
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FULLY-EQUIPPED R.V.'S and FLOATATION SYSTEMS!!
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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Okay, BARBRA STREISAND, I recognize you now!! Also EFREM ZIMBALIST,
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JUNIOR!! And BEAUMONT NEWHALL!! Everybody into th' BATHROOM!
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Okay.. I'm going home to write the ``I HATE RUBIK's CUBE
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HANDBOOK FOR DEAD CAT LOVERS''..
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need 4 GALLONS of JELL-O
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and a BIG WRENCH!!... I think you drop th'WRENCH in the JELL-O as if
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it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT... ...or...I...um... WHERE'S the
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WASHING MACHINES?
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On SECOND thought, maybe I'll heat up some BAKED BEANS and
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watch REGIS PHILBIN.. It's GREAT to be ALIVE!!
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On the other hand, life can be an endless parade of TRANSSEXUAL
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QUILTING BEES aboard a cruise ship to DISNEYWORLD
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if only we let it!!
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On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never
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without a POINT.
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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.. Once upon a time, four AMPHIBIOUS HOG CALLERS attacked a family
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of DEFENSELESS, SENSITIVE COIN COLLECTORS and brought DOWN their
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PROPERTY VALUES!!
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Once, there was NO fun... This was before MENU planning,
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FASHION statements or NAUTILUS equipment...
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Then, in 1985.. FUN was completely encoded in this tiny MICROCHIP..
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It contain 14,768 vaguely amusing SIT-COM pilots!!
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We had to wait FOUR BILLION years but we finally got JERRY LEWIS,
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MTV and a large selection of creme-filled snack cakes!
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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.. One FISHWICH coming up!!
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ONE: I will donate my entire ``BABY HUEY'' comic book collection
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to the downtown PLASMA CENTER..
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TWO: I won't START a BAND called ``KHADAFY & THE HIT SQUAD''..
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THREE: I won't ever TUMBLE DRY my FOX TERRIER again!!
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.. or were you driving the PONTIAC that HONKED at me
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in MIAMI last Tuesday?
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Our father who art in heaven.. I sincerely pray that SOMEBODY
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at this table will PAY for my SHREDDED WHAT and ENGLISH MUFFIN..
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and also leave a GENEROUS TIP...
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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.. over in west Philadelphia a puppy is vomiting..
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OVER the underpass! UNDER the overpass! Around the FUTURE
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and BEYOND REPAIR!!
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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PARDON me, am I speaking ENGLISH?
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Pardon me, but do you know what it means to be TRULY ONE
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with your BOOTH!
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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PEGGY FLEMING is stealing BASKET BALLS to feed the babies in VERMONT.
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...PENGUINS are floating by...
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PIZZA!!
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Place me on a BUFFER counter while you BELITTLE several BELLHOPS
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in the Trianon Room!! Let me one of your SUBSIDIARIES!
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Please come home with me... I have Tylenol!!
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Psychoanalysis?? I thought this was a nude rap session!!!
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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PUNK ROCK!! DISCO DUCK!! BIRTH CONTROL!!
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Put FIVE DOZEN red GIRDLES in each CIRCULAR OPENING!!
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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QUIET!! I'm being CREATIVE!! Is it GREAT yet? It's s'posed to
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SMOKEY THE BEAR...
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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RELATIVES!!
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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RELAX!! ... This is gonna be a HEALING EXPERIENCE!! Besides,
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I work for DING DONGS!
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Remember, if you try to ESCAPE, many APARTMENT HOPPING ALCOHOLICS will
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SIMONIZE your HALLWAYS!! This is your LAST WARNING!!
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Remember, in 2039, MOUSSE & PASTA will be available
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ONLY by prescription!!
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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RHAPSODY in Glue!
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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SANTA CLAUS comes down a FIRE ESCAPE wearing bright
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blue LEG WARMERS.. He scrubs the POPE with a mild
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soap or detergent for 15 minutes, starring JANE FONDA!!
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Send your questions to ``ASK ZIPPY'', Box 40474,
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San Francisco, CA 94140, USA
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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SHHHH!! I hear SIX TATTOOED TRUCK-DRIVERS tossing ENGINE BLOCKS
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into empty OIL DRUMS..
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Should I do my BOBBIE VINTON medley?
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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.. Should I get locked in the PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE today --
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or have a VASECTOMY??
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Should I start with the time I SWITCHED personalities with a BEATNIK
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hair stylist or my failure to refer five TEENAGERS to a good OCULIST?
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Sign my PETITION.
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So this is what it feels like to be potato salad
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
|
|
|
.. So, if we convert SUPPLY-SIDE SOYBEAN FUTURES into
|
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HIGH-YIELD T-BILL INDICATORS, the PRE-INFLATIONARY risks
|
|
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will DWINDLE to a rate of 2 SHOPPING SPREES per EGGPLANT!!
|
|
|
|
|
|
.. someone in DAYTON, Ohio is selling USED CARPETS to a SERBO-CROATIAN
|
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Someone is DROOLING on my collar!!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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|
Sometime in 1993 NANCY SINATRA will lead a BLOODLESS COUP on GUAM!!
|
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|
Somewhere in DOWNTOWN BURBANK a prostitute is OVERCOOKING a LAMB CHOP!!
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Somewhere in suburban Honolulu, an unemployed bellhop is whipping up
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a batch of illegal psilocybin chop suey!!
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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Somewhere in Tenafly, New Jersey, a chiropractor is viewing
|
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``Leave it to Beaver''!
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Sorry, wrong ZIP CODE!!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Spreading peanut butter reminds me of opera!! I wonder why?
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TAILFINS!! ...click...
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Talking Pinhead Blues:
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|
Oh, I LOST my ``HELLO KITTY'' DOLL and I get BAD reception on
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channel TWENTY-SIX!!
|
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|
Th'HOSTESS FACTORY is closin' down and I just heard ZASU PITTS
|
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|
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has been DEAD for YEARS.. (sniff)
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|
My PLATFORM SHOE collection was CHEWED up by th'dog, ALEXANDER
|
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|
HAIG won't let me take a SHOWER 'til Easter.. (snurf)
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So I went to the kitchen, but WALNUT PANELING whup me
|
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upside mah HAID!! (on no, no, no.. Heh, heh)
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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|
TAPPING? You POLITICIANS! Don't you realize that the END of the
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``Wash Cycle'' is a TREASURED MOMENT for most people?!
|
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|
TATTOOED MIDGETS are using ALFREDO in their SALAMI FACTORY!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Tex SEX! The HOME of WHEELS! The dripping of COFFEE!! Take me
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to Minnesota but don't EMBARRASS me!!
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|
Th' MIND is the Pizza Palace of th' SOUL
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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Th' PINK SOCK... soaking... soaking... soaking...
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Th' PINK SOCK... washing... washing... washing...
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Th' PINK SOCK... rinsing... rinsing... rinsing...
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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|
Thank god!!.. It's HENNY YOUNGMAN!!
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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That's a decision that can only be made between you & SY SPERLING!!
|
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|
The appreciation of the average visual graphisticator alone is worth
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|
the whole suaveness and decadence which abounds!!
|
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|
The entire CHINESE WOMEN'S VOLLEYBALL TEAM all share ONE personality --
|
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|
and have since BIRTH!!
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|
The fact that 47 PEOPLE are yelling and sweat is cascading
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|
|
down my SPINAL COLUMN is fairly enjoyable!!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
|
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The FALAFEL SANDWICH lands on my HEAD and I become a VEGETARIAN...
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
|
|
|
.. the HIGHWAY is made out of LIME JELLO and my HONDA
|
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|
is a barbequed OYSTER! Yum!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
|
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|
The Korean War must have been fun.
|
1997-01-28 18:38:51 +00:00
|
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|
|
"THE LITTLE PINK FLESH SISTERS," I saw them at th' FLUORESCENT BULB
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
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|
|
MAKERS CONVENTION...
|
1997-01-28 18:38:51 +00:00
|
|
|
|
The LOGARITHM of an ISOSCELES TRIANGLE is TUESDAY WELD!!
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
|
|
|
.. the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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|
The Osmonds! You are all Osmonds!! Throwing up on a freeway at dawn!!!
|
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|
|
The PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY is CRYING for an END to BURT REYNOLDS movies!!
|
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|
The PINK SOCKS were ORIGINALLY from 1952!!
|
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|
But they went to MARS around 1953!!
|
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|
|
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|
The SAME WAVE keeps coming in and COLLAPSING like a rayon MUU-MUU..
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
|
|
|
..The TENSION mounts as I MASSAGE your RIGHT ANKLE according to
|
|
|
|
|
|
ancient Tibetan ACCOUNTING PROCEDURES..are you NEUROTIC yet??
|
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|
|
|
|
Then, it's off to RED CHINA!!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
|
|
|
|
There's a little picture of ED MCMAHON doing BAD THINGS to JOAN RIVERS
|
|
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|
|
in a $200,000 MALIBU BEACH HOUSE!!
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
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|
|
There's a lot of BIG MONEY in MISERY if you have an AGENT!!
|
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|
There's a SALE on STRETCH SOCKS down at the "7-11"!!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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|
There's enough money here to buy 5000 cans of Noodle-Roni!
|
|
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|
|
These PRESERVES should be FORCE-FED to PENTAGON OFFICIALS!!
|
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|
They collapsed.... like nuns in the street...
|
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|
they had no teen appeal!
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
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|
They don't hire PERSONAL PINHEADS, Mr. Toad!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
|
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|
This ASEXUAL PIG really BOILS my BLOOD... He's so..so.....URGENT!!
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
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|
|
This is a NO-FRILLS flight -- hold th' CANADIAN BACON!!
|
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|
|
This is my WILLIAM BENDIX memorial CORNER where I worship William
|
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|
|
|
Bendix like a GOD!!
|
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|
This is PLEASANT!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
|
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|
This MUST be a good party -- My RIB CAGE is being painfully
|
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|
|
pressed up against someone's MARTINI!!
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
|
|
|
.. this must be what it's like to be a COLLEGE GRADUATE!!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
|
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|
|
This PIZZA symbolizes my COMPLETE EMOTIONAL RECOVERY!!
|
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|
This PORCUPINE knows his ZIPCODE.. And he has ``VISA''!!
|
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|
|
This TOPS OFF my partygoing experience! Someone I DON'T LIKE
|
|
|
|
|
|
is talking to me about a HEART-WARMING European film..
|
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|
|
Those aren't WINOS--that's my JUGGLER, my AERIALIST,
|
|
|
|
|
|
my SWORD SWALLOWER, and my LATEX NOVELTY SUPPLIER!!
|
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|
|
Thousands of days of civilians ... have produced a...
|
|
|
|
|
|
feeling for the aesthetic modules --
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
|
|
|
Three attractive BANK ROBBERS are discussing RELIGIOUS DIFFERENCES and
|
|
|
|
|
|
MAKE-UP TECHNIQUE with them!!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
|
|
|
|
Today, THREE WINOS from DETROIT sold me a framed photo of
|
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|
|
TAB HUNTER before his MAKEOVER!
|
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|
Toes, knees, NIPPLES. Toes, knees, nipples, KNUCKLES...
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
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|
|
Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
|
|
|
|
I don't like FRANK SINATRA or his CHILDREN.
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
|
|
|
TONY RANDALL! Is YOUR life a PATIO of FUN??
|
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|
|
|
Two LITTLE black dots and one BIG black dot...nice 'n' FLUFFY!!
|
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|
|
Two with FLUFFO, hold th' BEETS..side of SOYETTES!
|
|
|
|
|
|
Uh-oh -- WHY am I suddenly thinking of a VENERABLE religious leader
|
|
|
|
|
|
frolicking on a FORT LAUDERDALE weekend?
|
|
|
|
|
|
Uh-oh!! I forgot to submit to COMPULSORY URINALYSIS!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
|
|
|
|
UH-OH!! I put on ``GREAT HEAD-ON TRAIN COLLISIONS of the 50's''
|
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|
|
by mistake!!!
|
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|
|
|
UH-OH!! I think KEN is OVER-DUE on his R.V. PAYMENTS and HE'S
|
|
|
|
|
|
having a NERVOUS BREAKDOWN too!! Ha ha.
|
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|
|
Uh-oh!! I'm having TOO MUCH FUN!!
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
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|
UH-OH!! We're out of AUTOMOBILE PARTS and RUBBER GOODS!
|
|
|
|
|
|
...Um...Um...
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
|
|
|
|
Used staples are good with SOY SAUCE!
|
|
|
|
|
|
Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and
|
|
|
|
|
|
TAX-DEFERRED!
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
|
|
|
..Wait 'til those ITALIAN TEENAGERS get back to their HONDAS &
|
|
|
|
|
|
discover them to be FILLED to the BRIM with MAZOLA!!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
|
|
|
|
Wait.. is this a FUN THING or the END of LIFE in Petticoat Junction??
|
|
|
|
|
|
Was my SOY LOAF left out in th'RAIN? It tastes REAL GOOD!!
|
|
|
|
|
|
We are now enjoying total mutual interaction in an imaginary hot tub...
|
|
|
|
|
|
We have DIFFERENT amounts of HAIR --
|
|
|
|
|
|
We just joined the civil hair patrol!
|
|
|
|
|
|
We place two copies of PEOPLE magazine in a DARK, HUMID mobile home.
|
|
|
|
|
|
45 minutes later CYNDI LAUPER emerges wearing a BIRD CAGE on her head!
|
1997-01-28 18:38:51 +00:00
|
|
|
|
Well, here I am in AMERICA.. I LIKE it. I HATE it.
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
|
|
|
I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE it.
|
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|
|
I HATE it. I LIKE.. EMOTIONS are SWEEPING over me!!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
|
|
|
|
Well, I'm a classic ANAL RETENTIVE!! And I'm looking for a way to
|
|
|
|
|
|
VICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!!
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
|
|
|
Well, I'm INVISIBLE AGAIN.. I might as well pay a visit to the
|
|
|
|
|
|
LADIES ROOM...
|
|
|
|
|
|
Well, I'm on the right planet---everyone looks like me!!!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
|
|
|
|
Well, O.K. I'll compromise with my principles because of
|
|
|
|
|
|
EXISTENTIAL DESPAIR!
|
|
|
|
|
|
Were these parsnips CORRECTLY MARINATED in TACO SAUCE?
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
|
|
|
What a COINCIDENCE! I'm an authorized ``SNOOTS OF THE STARS'' dealer!!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
|
|
|
|
What GOOD is a CARDBOARD suitcase ANYWAY?
|
|
|
|
|
|
What I need is a MATURE RELATIONSHIP with a FLOPPY DISK...
|
|
|
|
|
|
What I want to find out is -- do parrots know much about Astro-Turf?
|
|
|
|
|
|
What PROGRAM are they watching?
|
|
|
|
|
|
What UNIVERSE is this, please??
|
|
|
|
|
|
What's the MATTER Sid?.. Is your BEVERAGE unsatisfactory?
|
|
|
|
|
|
When I met th'POPE back in '58, I scrubbed him with a MILD SOAP
|
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|
|
|
|
or DETERGENT for 15 minutes. He seemed to enjoy it..
|
|
|
|
|
|
When this load is DONE I think I'll wash it AGAIN..
|
|
|
|
|
|
When you get your PH.D. will you get able to work at BURGER KING?
|
|
|
|
|
|
When you said ``HEAVILY FORESTED'' it reminded me of an overdue
|
|
|
|
|
|
CLEANING BILL.. Don't you SEE? O'Grogan SWALLOWED a VALUABLE
|
|
|
|
|
|
COIN COLLECTION and HAD to murder the ONLY MAN who KNEW!!
|
|
|
|
|
|
Where do your SOCKS go when you lose them in th' WASHER?
|
|
|
|
|
|
Where does it go when you flush?
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
|
|
|
Where's my SOCIAL WORKER?
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
|
|
|
|
Where's SANDY DUNCAN?
|
|
|
|
|
|
Where's th' DAFFY DUCK EXHIBIT??
|
|
|
|
|
|
Where's the Coke machine? Tell me a joke!!
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
|
|
|
While I'm in LEVITTOWN I thought I'd like to see the NUCLEAR FAMILY!!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
|
|
|
|
While my BRAINPAN is being refused service in BURGER KING,
|
|
|
|
|
|
Jesuit priests are DATING CAREER DIPLOMATS!!
|
|
|
|
|
|
While you're chewing, think of STEVEN SPIELBERG'S
|
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|
|
|
|
bank account.. This will have the same effect as
|
|
|
|
|
|
two ``STARCH BLOCKERS''!
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
|
|
|
WHO sees a BEACH BUNNY sobbing on a SHAG RUG?!
|
|
|
|
|
|
Who wants some OYSTERS with SEN-SEN an' COOL WHIP?
|
|
|
|
|
|
WHOA!! I'm having a RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE right NOW!!
|
|
|
|
|
|
WHOA!! Ken and Barbie are having TOO MUCH FUN!! It must
|
|
|
|
|
|
be the NEGATIVE IONS!!
|
|
|
|
|
|
Why am I in this ROOM in DOWNTOWN PHILADELPHIA?
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
|
|
|
|
Why are these athletic shoe salesmen following me??
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
|
|
|
WHY are we missing KOJAK?
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
|
|
|
|
Why don't you ever enter and CONTESTS, Marvin??
|
|
|
|
|
|
Don't you know your own ZIPCODE?
|
|
|
|
|
|
Why is everything made of Lycra Spandex?
|
|
|
|
|
|
Why is it that when you DIE, you can't take your
|
|
|
|
|
|
HOME ENTERTAINMENT CENTER with you??
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
|
|
|
Why was I BORN?
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
|
|
|
|
Will it improve my CASH FLOW?
|
|
|
|
|
|
Will the third world war keep ``Bosom Buddies'' off the air?
|
|
|
|
|
|
Will this never-ending series of PLEASURABLE EVENTS never cease?
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
|
|
|
With this weapon I can expose fictional characters and bring about
|
|
|
|
|
|
sweeping reforms!!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
|
|
|
|
With YOU, I can be MYSELF.. We don't NEED Dan Rather..
|
|
|
|
|
|
World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced
|
|
|
|
|
|
dress code!
|
|
|
|
|
|
Wow! Look!! A stray meatball!! Let's interview it!
|
|
|
|
|
|
Xerox your lunch and file it under ``sex offenders!''
|
|
|
|
|
|
Yes, but will I see the EASTER BUNNY in skintight leather
|
|
|
|
|
|
at an IRON MAIDEN concert?
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
|
|
|
Yes, Private DOBERMAN!!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
|
|
|
|
You can't hurt me!! I have an ASSUMABLE MORTGAGE!!
|
|
|
|
|
|
You mean now I can SHOOT YOU in the back and further BLUR
|
|
|
|
|
|
th' distinction between FANTASY and REALITY?
|
|
|
|
|
|
You mean you don't want to watch WRESTLING from ATLANTA?
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
|
|
|
You must be a CUB SCOUT!! Have you made your MONEY-DROP today??
|
|
|
|
|
|
YOU PICKED KARL MALDEN'S NOSE!!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
|
|
|
|
You should all JUMP UP AND DOWN for TWO HOURS while I decide
|
|
|
|
|
|
on a NEW CAREER!!
|
|
|
|
|
|
You were s'posed to laugh!
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
|
|
|
YOU!! Give me the CUTEST, PINKEST, most charming little
|
|
|
|
|
|
VICTORIAN DOLLHOUSE you can find!! An make it SNAPPY!!
|
|
|
|
|
|
YOU'D cry too if it happened to YOU!!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
|
|
|
|
Your CHEEKS sit like twin NECTARINES above a MOUTH that knows no BOUNDS --
|
|
|
|
|
|
Youth of today! Join me in a mass rally for traditional mental attitudes!
|
|
|
|
|
|
Yow!
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
|
|
|
Yow! Am I cleansed yet?!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
|
|
|
|
Yow! Am I having fun yet?
|
|
|
|
|
|
Yow! Am I in Milwaukee?
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
|
|
|
Yow! Am I JOGGING yet??
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
|
|
|
|
Yow! And then we could sit on the hoods of cars at stop lights!
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
|
|
|
Yow! Are we in the perfect mood?
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
|
|
|
|
Yow! Are we laid back yet?
|
|
|
|
|
|
Yow! Are we wet yet?
|
|
|
|
|
|
Yow! Are you the self-frying president?
|
|
|
|
|
|
Yow! Did something bad happen or am I in a drive-in movie??
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
|
|
|
YOW! I can see 1987!! PRESIDENT FORD is doing the REMAKE of "PAGAN
|
|
|
|
|
|
LOVE SONG"...he's playing ESTHER WILLIAMS!!
|
|
|
|
|
|
Yow! I forgot my PAIL!!
|
1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
|
|
|
|
Yow! I just went below the poverty line!
|
1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
|
|
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Yow! I like my new DENTIST...
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Yow! I threw up on my window!
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Yow! I want my nose in lights!
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Yow! I want to mail a bronzed artichoke to Nicaragua!
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1996-01-12 18:20:27 +00:00
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Yow! I'm having a quadraphonic sensation of two winos
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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alone in a steel mill!
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Yow! I'm imagining a surfer van filled with soy sauce!
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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Yow! I'm out of work...I could go into shock absorbers...or SCUBA
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GEAR!!
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Yow! I'm UNEMPLOYED!
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Yow! Is my fallout shelter termite proof?
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Yow! Is this sexual intercourse yet?? Is it, huh, is it??
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Yow! It's a hole all the way to downtown Burbank!
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Yow! It's some people inside the wall! This is better than mopping!
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Yow! Maybe I should have asked for my Neutron Bomb in PAISLEY--
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Yow! Now I get to think about all the BAD THINGS I did to a BOWLING BALL
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when I was in JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL!
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Yow! Now we can become alcoholics!
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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Yow! STYROFOAM..
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Yow! Those people look exactly like Donnie and Marie Osmond!!
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Yow! We're going to a new disco!
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1996-12-31 20:47:53 +00:00
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YOW!!
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Yow!! "Janitor trapped in sewer uses ESP to find decayed burger"!!
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YOW!! Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL!
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YOW!! I am having FUN!!
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YOW!! I'm in a very clever and adorable INSANE ASYLUM!!
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Yow!! It's LIBERACE and TUESDAY WELD!! High on a HILL... driving a
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LITTLE CAR... I wanna be in that LITTLE CAR, too!! I wanna drive off
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with LIBBY and TUESDAY!
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YOW!! Now I understand advanced MICROBIOLOGY
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and th' new TAX REFORM laws!!
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YOW!! Now I'm playing with my HOLOGRAPHIC ATOMIC SIMULATION LASER
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pinball machine!! WORLD PEACE is in the BALANCE!!
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Yow!! That's a GOOD IDEA!! Eating a whole FIELD of COUGH MEDICINE
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should make you feel MUCH BETTER!!
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YOW!! The land of the rising SONY!!
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YOW!! Up ahead! It's a DONUT HUT!!
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YOW!! What should the entire human race DO?? Consume a fifth
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of CHIVAS REGAL, ski NUDE down MT. EVEREST, and have a wild
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SEX WEEKEND!
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YOW!!! I am having fun!!!
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YUGGA-HUGGA-BUGGA-TUGGA!! HEY-HEY!! A TRAIN STATION!! No, a POST
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OFFICE!! An OCEAN LINER!! No, I think it's a CAFETERIA!!!
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1987-03-03 16:35:40 +00:00
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Zippy's brain cells are straining to bridge synapses...
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