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This is a massive cleanup of the fortune files, including removal

Browse Source 
of many duplicates, formatting/whitespace fixes, spelling fixes,
and a host of others. Note: No fortunes were intentionally removed
(other than duplicates) as part of this cleanup. In removing dupes
I tried to be generous in not removing similarly worded fortunes
that had even slightly different punch lines.

Duplicates were resolved as follows (in this order):
* + limerick		-> limerick
* + fortunes-o.real	-> fortunes-o.real
* + fortunes2-o		-> fortunes2-o
* + zippy		-> zippy
murphy + fortunes	-> fortunes

In correcting spelling I've tried to leave colloquial variations
(especially British'isms) intact, as well as to not "correct"
errors that are part of the joke.

In fortunes and fortunes2-o I combined a couple of fortunes that
were adjacent to each other that seemed like they should have
originally been combined, and split a couple that seemed like they
should have originally been split.

Miscellaneous:
1. Fixed underlining
2. Capitalized proper names
3. Removed quotation marks from "freestanding" quotes for consistency
4. Added quotation marks to QOTD fortunes that needed them
5. Corrected or added many attributions
6. Removed apostrophes from trailing 's' that are plural, not possessive
7. Updated the path to fortune stuff included in some of the jokes
8. Updated several fortunes to their original version, and added attribution
9. Split up compound words that ispell tripped over
This commit is contained in:
Doug Barton 2007-12-07 22:28:08 +00:00
parent babace2e8e
commit 2c7bf96d02
Notes: svn2git 2020-12-20 02:59:44 +00:00 
svn path=/head/; revision=174422
9 changed files with 2049 additions and 5273 deletions
Show Stats Download Patch File Download Diff File Expand all files Collapse all files

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games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes
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17
games/fortune/datfiles/freebsd-tips
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@ -12,7 +12,7 @@ and they can be combined as "ls -FG".
%
If you need to ask a question on the FreeBSD-questions mailing list then
http://www.freebsd.org/doc/en_US.ISO8859-1/articles/\
http://www.FreeBSD.org/doc/en_US.ISO8859-1/articles/\
freebsd-questions/index.html
contains lots of useful advice to help you get the best results.
@ -93,7 +93,7 @@ also do a lot more advanced searches - type 'man grep' for details.
%
You can use the 'fetch' command to retrieve files over ftp or http.
fetch http://www.freebsd.org/index.html
fetch http://www.FreeBSD.org/index.html
will download the front page of the FreeBSD web site.
%
@ -131,7 +131,7 @@ The default editor in FreeBSD is vi, which is efficient to use when you have
learned it, but somewhat user-unfriendly. To use ee (an easier but less
powerful editor) instead, set the environment variable EDITOR to /usr/bin/ee
%
If you accidentally end up inside vi, you can quit it by pressing Escape, colon
If you accidentally end up inside vi, you can quit it by pressing Escape, colon
(:), q (q), bang (!) and pressing return.
%
You can use aliases to decrease the amount of typing you need to do to get
@ -180,7 +180,7 @@ Type 'cdcontrol' then 'help' to learn more. (You may need to set the CDROM
environment variable in order to make cdcontrol want to start.)
%
If you have a CD-ROM drive in your machine, you can make the CD-ROM that is
presently inserted available by typing 'mount /cdrom' as root. The CD-ROM
presently inserted available by typing 'mount /cdrom' as root. The CD-ROM
will be available under /cdrom/. Remember to do 'umount /cdrom' before
removing the CD-ROM (it will usually not be possible to remove the CD-ROM
without doing this.)
@ -194,7 +194,7 @@ just typing
# cd /usr/ports/<category>/<portname>
# make install && make clean
as root. The ports infrastructure will download the software, change it so
as root. The ports infrastructure will download the software, change it so
it works on FreeBSD, compile it, install it, register the installation so it
will be possible to automatically uninstall it, and clean out the temporary
working space it used. You can remove an installed port you decide you do not
@ -243,7 +243,7 @@ Over quota? "du -s * | sort -n " will give you a sorted list of your
directory sizes.
-- David Scheidt <dscheidt@tumbolia.com>
%
Handy bash(1) prompt: PS1="\u@\h \w \!$ "
Handy bash(1) prompt: PS1="\u@\h \w \!$ "
-- David Scheidt <dscheidt@tumbolia.com>
%
Ever wonder what those numbers after command names were, as in cat(1)? It's
@ -262,7 +262,7 @@ the section of the manual the man page is in. "man man" will tell you more.
You can often get answers to your questions about FreeBSD by searching in the
FreeBSD mailing list archives at
http://www.freebsd.org/search/search.html
http://www.FreeBSD.org/search/search.html
%
You can adjust the volume of various parts of the sound system in your
computer by typing 'mixer <type> <volume>'. To get a list of what you can
@ -438,7 +438,7 @@ Need to see which daemons are listening for connection requests? Use
"sockstat -4l" for IPv4, and "sockstat -l" for IPv4 and IPv6.
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
Can't remember if you've installed a certain port or not? Try "pkg_info
Can't remember if you've installed a certain port or not? Try "pkg_info
-Ix port_name".
%
To erase a line you've written at the command prompt, use "Ctrl-U".
@ -503,3 +503,4 @@ or
Want to strip UTF-8 BOM(Byte Order Mark) from given files?
sed -e '1s/^\xef\xbb\xbf//' < bomfile > newfile
%

118
games/fortune/datfiles/limerick
View File

@ -1,4 +1,5 @@
%% $FreeBSD$
%
A bad little girl in Madrid,
A most reprehensible kid,
Told her Tante Louise
@ -148,13 +149,6 @@ Had a rather tough bug in its core.
And spewed yards and yards
Of illegible tape on the floor.
%
A computer, to print out a fact,
Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
But this output can be
No more than debris,
If the input was short of exact.
-- Gigo
%
A contortionist hailing from Lynch
Used to rent out his tool by the inch.
A foot cost a quid --
@ -315,13 +309,13 @@ By bleeding all over his face.
A gay young prince from Morocco
Made love in a manner rococco.
He painted his penis
To resemble a venus
To resemble a Venus
And flavored his semen with cocoa.
%
A geneticist living in Delft
Scientifically played with himself,
And when he was done
He labled it: son,
He labeled it: son,
And filed him away on a shelf.
%
A gentleman, otherwise meek,
@ -420,7 +414,7 @@ He couldn't get out with ESC.
A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk
Made love to the drive of his disk.
The thing circumsized him,
Which rather suprised him.
Which rather surprised him.
He wasn't aware of *that* risk.
%
A handsome young rodent named Gratian
@ -602,12 +596,6 @@ Used to catch all the harlots and jail 'em.
He would stand them in line,
With his common-law tool to impale 'em.
%
A limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean,
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
%
A linguist thought it a farce
That memory space was so sparse.
One day they increased it.
@ -687,7 +675,7 @@ Got a doctor to alter his dong.
When he got there he found he was wrong.
%
A mathematician named Hall
Had a hexhedronical ball,
Had a hexahedronical ball,
And the square of its weight
Times his pecker's, plus eight,
Was four-fifths of five-eighths of fuck-all.
@ -699,7 +687,7 @@ Has a hexahedronical ball,
Is his phone number -- give him a call...
%
A mathematician named Klein
Thought the Mobius band was divine.
Thought the Moebius band was divine.
Said he, "If you glue
The edges of two,
You'll get a weird bottle like mine!
@ -777,12 +765,6 @@ Tied her infantine charge to a kite;
And watched till it flew out of sight.
-- Edward Gorey
%
A pansy who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room.
They argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, with which, and to whom.
%
A passionate red-haired girl
When you kissed her, her senses would whirl,
And her twat would get wet,
@ -995,10 +977,10 @@ But I hope -- yes I do -- that I marry
As the kind that you zoo-keepers carry."
%
A spunky young schoolboy named Fred
Used totoss off each night while in bed.
Used to toss off each night while in bed.
Said his mother, "Dear lad,
That's exceedingly bad--
Jump in here with your mamma instead."
Jump in here with your mama instead."
%
A starship commander named Kirk
Emerged from his cabin berserk.
@ -1049,7 +1031,7 @@ Called the umpire blind out of malice.
And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
%
A teenage protester named Lil
Cried, "Those watergate spies make me ill
Cried, "Those Watergate spies make me ill
First they bugged our martinis,
Our bras and bikinis,
And now they are bugging the pill."
@ -1229,7 +1211,7 @@ A young maiden from France was no prude,
She decided to dive in the nude,
But her buddy, behind,
Went out of his mind,
When he noticed where she was tatooed.
When he noticed where she was tattooed.
%
A young man by a girl was desired
To give her the thrills she required,
@ -1276,15 +1258,15 @@ Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie.
To add incest to insult and injury.
%
A young polo-player of Berkeley
Made love to his sweetheart beserkly.
Made love to his sweetheart berserkly.
In the midst of each chukker
He would break off and fuck her
Horizontally, laterally and verkeley.
%
A young violinist from Rio
Was seducing a woman named Cleo.
As she took down her panties
She said, "No andantes;
There was a young lady from Rio
Who slept with the Fornier trio.
As she dropped her panties
She said, "No andantes,
I want this allegro con brio!"
%
A young wife in the outskirts of Reims
@ -1363,7 +1345,7 @@ An ardent young man named Magruder
Once wooed a girl nude in Bermuda.
She thought it quite lewd
To be wooed in the nude,
But magruder was shrewder, he screwed her.
But Magruder was shrewder, he screwed her.
%
An Argentine gaucho named Bruno
Who said, "Fucking is one thing I do know.
@ -1447,7 +1429,7 @@ Made a synthetic ass for a friend,
It was simply a bother -- no end.
%
An innocent maiden named Herridge
Was cruelly tricked ito marriage;
Was cruelly tricked into marriage;
When she later found out
What her spouse was about,
She threw herself under a carriage.
@ -1775,8 +1757,8 @@ Whose cunt was incredibly huge.
As he thunderously came:
"Mon Dieu! Apres moi, le deluge!"
%
There once was a fag of Khartoom
Who spent the night in a Lesbians room.
There once was a fag of Khartoum
Who spent the night in a Lesbian's room.
They argued all night,
Over who had the right,
To do what, and with which, and to whom.
@ -1785,7 +1767,7 @@ There once was a fairy named Avers
Who encircled his cock with lifesavers.
Though buggers all claimed
That their asses were maimed,
Sixy-niners all cheered the new flavors.
Sixty-niners all cheered the new flavors.
%
There once was a fellow named Bob
Who in sexual ways was a snob.
@ -1821,7 +1803,7 @@ There once was a fencer named Fisk,
Whose speed was incredibly brisk.
So fast was his action,
The Fitzgerald contraction,
Foreshortended his foil to a disk.
Foreshortened his foil to a disk.
%
There once was a fiesty young terrier
Who liked to bite girls on the derriere.
@ -1986,7 +1968,7 @@ Fell in love with a virile young Tartar.
And cried: "For that I'll be a martyr!"
%
There once was a lady named Clair,
Who posessed a magnificent pair.
Who possessed a magnificent pair.
Or that's what I thought,
Till I saw one get caught,
On a thorn and begin losing air.
@ -2035,12 +2017,6 @@ Who always ate soup with a fork.
Either fish, foul or flesh,
I otherwise finish too quick."
%
There once was a man from Exameter
Who had a prodigious diameter
But it wasn't the size
That brought forth the cries
'Twas his rythm, iambic pentameter.
%
There once was a man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
His daughter, named Nan,
@ -2077,12 +2053,6 @@ Who could put it up to her kidney.
Put it up to her neck;
He had a big one, now didn't he?
%
There once was a man named Lodge,
who had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
When his date was strapped in,
He committed a sin,
without ever leaving the garage.
%
There once was a man named McGruder,
Who canoed with a girl in Bermuder.
But the girl thought it crude,
@ -2169,8 +2139,8 @@ Or a breeches-buoy swung from the masthead.
%
There once was a Scot named McAmeter
With a tool of prodigious diameter.
It was not the size
That cause such surprise;
But it wasn't the size
That caused such surprise;
'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
%
There once was a son-of-a-bitch,
@ -2292,7 +2262,7 @@ Who'd a really enormous vagina,
And used it for docking a liner.
%
There was a fat man from Rangoon
Whose prick was much like a ballon.
Whose prick was much like a balloon.
He tried hard to ride her
And when finally inside her
She thought she was pregnant too soon.
@ -2706,12 +2676,6 @@ Was prodigiously massive and long.
Two testes did hang
That attracted a curious throng.
%
There was a young gaucho named Bruno
Who said, "Screwing is one thing I do know.
A woman is fine,
And a sheep is divine,
But a llama is Numero Uno."
%
There was a young German named Ringer
Who was screwing an opera singer.
Said he with a grin,
@ -3075,7 +3039,7 @@ Whose screams could be heard for a block away.
Cried, "God! I have cut his whole cock away!"
%
There was a young lad from Siam,
Whose sexlife was caught in a jam.
Whose sex life was caught in a jam.
He loved them real small,
'Cause they're funner to ball,
So he went out and bought him a lamb!
@ -3180,12 +3144,6 @@ Who amazingly pissed in four streams.
And a fly-button found
Lodged tight in her hole so it seems.
%
There was a young lady from Rio
Who slept with the Fornier trio.
As she dropped her panties
She said, "No andanties
I want this allegro con brio."
%
There was a young lady from Siam
Who said to her lover, one Kiam,
"You may kiss me of course,
@ -3300,12 +3258,6 @@ Who said, "I think skating's a bliss"
For a wheel off her skate
.siht ekil gnihtemos pu hsinif reh edaM
%
There was a young lady named Clair
Who possessed a magnificent pair;
At least so I thought
Till I saw one get caught
On a thorn, and begin losing air.
%
There was a young lady named Dot
Whose cunt was so terribly hot
That ten bishops of Rome
@ -3393,7 +3345,7 @@ But if you got her alone, Oh God!
%
There was a young lady named May
Who strolled in a park by the way,
And she met a youg man
And she met a young man
Who fucked her and ran --
Now she goes to the park every day.
%
@ -3521,7 +3473,7 @@ I much prefer fucking to feeling."
There was a young lady of fashion
Who had oodles and oodles of passion.
To her lover she said,
As they climbed into bed,
As they climbed into bed,
"Here's one thing the bastards can't ration!"
%
There was a young lady of Fez
@ -3627,7 +3579,7 @@ As her bridegroom got into the bed,
You can get up my bottom instead."
%
There was a young lady whose cunt
Could accomodate a small punt.
Could accommodate a small punt.
Her mother said, "Annie,
It matches your fanny,
Which never was that of a runt."
@ -4206,7 +4158,7 @@ But alas! he was only a eunuch.
%
There was a young sportsman named Peel
Who went for a trip on his wheel;
He pedalled for days
He pedaled for days
Through crepuscular haze,
And returned feeling somewhat unreal.
-- Edward Gorey
@ -4335,7 +4287,7 @@ Who would not pay a whore what he owed her.
And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda.
%
There was an old curate of Hestion
Who'd errect at the slightest suggestion.
Who'd erect at the slightest suggestion.
But so small was his tool
He could scarce screw a spool,
And a cunt was quite out of the question.
@ -4522,7 +4474,7 @@ Who attempted an anthropoid ravish.
And the anthropoid ravished McTavish.
%
There was an old whore from Silesia
Who'd croke: "If my box doesn't please ya,
Who'd croak: "If my box doesn't please ya,
For a slight extra sum
You can go up my bum
But watchout or my tapeworm'll seize ya."
@ -4737,7 +4689,7 @@ Fished, hidden in deep shore-grass,
Your sinkers -- they're banging my ass."
%
Two eager young men from Cawnpore
Once buggared and fucked the same whore.
Once buggered and fucked the same whore.
But her partition split
And the blood and the shit
Rolled out in a mess on the floor.
@ -4785,7 +4737,7 @@ Who'd been bedded and banged in the palace,
She replied, "He's a jolly good phallus!"
%
When you fuck little Annie in Anza
You get a great bossom bonanza:
You get a great bosom bonanza:
Sucking Annie's soft tits
Makes her throw fifty fits,
And the fuck is a sextravaganza!
@ -4821,7 +4773,7 @@ His model reclined on a ladder.
Suggested coition,
So he leapt up the ladder and had 'er.
%
While travelling in farthest Tibet,
While traveling in farthest Tibet,
Lord Irongate found cause to regret
The buttered-up tea,
A pain in his knee,

206
games/fortune/datfiles/murphy
View File

@ -1,4 +1,5 @@
%%$FreeBSD$
%
When things are going well, someone will inevitably
experiment detrimentally.
%
@ -73,10 +74,6 @@ the worse it gets.
Cop-out number 1.
You should have seen it when I got it.
%
When you're up to your ass in alligators, it is
difficult to keep your mind on the fact that your primary
objective was to drain the swamp.
%
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
and littered with sloppy analyses!
%
@ -122,8 +119,6 @@ It can always be used as a bad example.
Despite the sign that says "wet paint",
please don't.
%
Everything tastes more or less like chicken.
%
People don't change; they only become more so.
%
I finally got it all together...
@ -138,9 +133,6 @@ The big guys always win.
%
Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
%
Any sufficiently advanced technology is
indistinguishable from magic.
%
It's always darkest just before the lights go out.
%
It is better to be part of the idle rich class
@ -167,7 +159,7 @@ If at first you don't succeed, transform your dataset.
%
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
%
Any given program cost more and take longer.
Any given program costs more and takes longer.
%
If a program is useful, it will be changed.
%
@ -184,8 +176,8 @@ Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability
of the programmer who must maintain it.
%
Make it possible for programmers to write programs
in english and you will find that programmers cannot
write in english.
in English and you will find that programmers cannot
write in English.
%
When more and more people are thrown out of work,
unemployment results.
@ -213,8 +205,6 @@ Nature will tell you a direct lie if she can.
%
Those with the best advice offer no advice.
%
Speak softly and own a big, mean doberman.
%
Democracy is that form of government where
everybody gets what the majority deserves.
%
@ -241,7 +231,7 @@ Real programmers don't grumble about the disadvantages
of Cobol when they don't know any other language.
%
Definition of an elephant:
A mouse built to goverment specifications.
A mouse built to government specifications.
%
Real programmers are kind to rookies.
%
@ -314,7 +304,7 @@ Real programmers don't write memos.
Real programmers know what saad means.
%
Real programmers do not utter profanities at an elevated
decible level.
decibel level.
%
Where you stand on an issue depends on where you sit.
%
@ -337,9 +327,6 @@ Lead, follow, or get the hell out of the way!!
All good things must come to an end.
I want to know when they start!
%
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell
in such a way that you look forward to the trip.
%
Blessed are those who go around in circles,
for they shall be known as wheels.
%
@ -388,7 +375,7 @@ the narrower the seats.
%
If you have to ask, you are not entitled to know.
%
If on an actuarial basis there is a 50 50 chance that
If on an actuarial basis there is a 50/50 chance that
something will go wrong,
It will actually go wrong nine times out of ten.
%
@ -417,7 +404,7 @@ you shouldn't have asked the question.
Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
%
You can't expect to hit the jackpot
if you don't put a few nickles in the machine.
if you don't put a few nickels in the machine.
%
Unless you intend to kill him immediately; never kick a man
in the balls, not even symbolically or perhaps especially
@ -435,10 +422,6 @@ If you know, you can't say.
The meek shall inherit the earth,
but not its mineral rights.
%
1) You can't win
2) You can't break even
3) You can't even quit the game
%
When eating an elephant take one bite at a time.
%
Common sense is not so common.
@ -502,7 +485,7 @@ is in inverse proportion to the attendance.
The sun goes down just when you need it the most.
%
Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary
drivel off the tv screen.
drivel off the TV screen.
%
Whatever creates the greatest inconvenience for the largest
number must happen.
@ -524,7 +507,7 @@ Anybody can win - unless there happens to be a second entry.
A president of a democracy is a man who is always ready,
willing, and able to lay down your life for his country.
%
If a thing is done wrong ofter enough
If a thing is done wrong often enough
it becomes right.
%
People will buy anything that is one to a customer.
@ -557,10 +540,6 @@ who knew that it would.
%
The other line always moves faster.
%
Never eat at a place called moms, never play cards with a
man named doc, and never lie down with a woman who has
got more troubles than you.
%
To get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it.
%
When all else fails, read the instructions.
@ -568,7 +547,7 @@ When all else fails, read the instructions.
Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost more than
you thought.
%
"Close" only counts in horseshoes, handgrenades and
"Close" only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades and
thermonuclear devices.
%
The lion and the calf shall lie down together,
@ -625,10 +604,6 @@ somebody moves the ends!
Just because you are paranoid
doesn't mean "they" aren't out to get you.
%
An Irishman is not drunk as long as
he can hang onto a single blade of grass
and not fall off the face of the earth.
%
If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong
equipment.
%
@ -638,9 +613,6 @@ some prefer to just gargle.
Everything is revealed to he who turns over enough stones.
(Including the snakes that he did not want to find.)
%
Everybody should believe in something;
I believe I'll have another drink.
%
Those whose approval you seek the most give you the least.
%
Build a system that even a fool can use,
@ -658,10 +630,7 @@ You will remember that you forgot to take out the trash
when the garbage truck is two doors away.
%
Misery no longer loves company
nowdays it insists on it.
%
The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the
strong, but that's the way to bet.
nowadays it insists on it.
%
Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it.
%
@ -681,20 +650,15 @@ fattening.
%
Old age is always fifteen years older than I am.
%
It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
%
A bird in hand is safer than one overhead.
%
The ratio of time involved in work to time available for
work is usually about 0.6
%
Remember the golden rule:
Those that have the gold make the rules.
%
Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and
knows it for he shall enjoy living.
%
Everything east of the San Andreas fault will evenutally
Everything east of the San Andreas fault will eventually
plunge into the Atlantic ocean.
%
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
@ -728,8 +692,6 @@ Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
%
A bird in the hand is dead.
%
A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
%
Never put all your eggs in your pocket.
%
If everything seems to be going well,
@ -860,7 +822,7 @@ is to buy a replacement.
Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always
point upward from the floor -- especially in the dark.
%
Make three correct guesses consectively and you will
Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will
establish yourself as an expert.
%
It works better if you plug it in.
@ -934,10 +896,6 @@ Them what gets--has.
If you are already in a hole, there's no use to continue
digging.
%
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote
programs, then the first woddpecker that came along would
destroy civilization.
%
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
%
A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick
@ -962,7 +920,7 @@ If anything can go wrong, it will.
%
If anything can't go wrong it will.
%
If muprhy's law can go wrong, it will.
If Murphy's law can go wrong, it will.
%
If a series of events can go wrong, it will do so in
the worst possible sequence.
@ -1012,7 +970,7 @@ You can always find what you're not looking for.
If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.
%
It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly
suprised.
surprised.
%
A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the
whole thing".
@ -1029,9 +987,6 @@ An optimist believes we live in the best of all
possible worlds.
A pessimist fears this is true.
%
You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it
damnfoolproof.
%
It takes longer to glue a vase together than to
break one.
%
@ -1041,8 +996,6 @@ to gain 'x' number of pounds.
The item you had your eye on the minute you walked in
will be taken by the person in front of you.
%
The other line moves faster.
%
If you change lines, the one you just left will start
to move faster than the one you are now in.
%
@ -1099,12 +1052,8 @@ frame is exposed.
The best shots are generally attempted through the
lens cap.
%
Any surviving best shots are ruined when someone
inadvertently open the darkroom door and all of the
dark leaks out.
%
If a three-story buiding served by one elevator, nine
times out of ten the elevator care will be on a floor
In a three-story building served by one elevator, nine
times out of ten the elevator car will be on a floor
where you are not.
%
The tendency of smoke from a cigarette, barbeque,
@ -1112,20 +1061,15 @@ campfire, etc. to drift into a person's face varies
directly with that person's sensitivity to smoke.
%
The distance to the gate is inversely proportional
to the time available to catch you flight.
%
As soon as the flight attendant serves the coffee, the
airliner encounters turbulence.
%
Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
to the time available to catch your flight.
%
Whatever carrousel you stand by, your baggage will
come in on another one.
%
When travelling overseas, the exchange rate improves
When traveling overseas, the exchange rate improves
markedly the day after one has purchased foreign
currency.
%
Upon returning home, the exchange rate drops again as
soon as one has converted all unused foreign currency.
%
@ -1139,12 +1083,12 @@ none of the authorizers can be blamed if the project
fails but when all of the authorizers can claim credit
if it succeeds.
%
If an idea can survive a bureacratic review and be
If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be
implemented, it wasn't worth doing.
%
The greater the cost of putting a plan into operation,
the less chance there is of abandoning the plan - even
if it subsequently becomes irrevelant.
if it subsequently becomes irrelevant.
%
The higher the level of prestige accorded the people
behind the plan, the least less chance there is of
@ -1156,7 +1100,7 @@ This person must be fired.
%
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
%
Far-way talent always seems better than home-developed
Far-away talent always seems better than home-developed
talent.
%
Personnel recruiting is a triumph of hope over
@ -1189,9 +1133,6 @@ of the task.
%
The client who pays the least complains the most
%
A lack of planning on your part
does not constitute an emergency on my part.
%
I know you believe you understand
what you think I said,
however, I am not sure you realize,
@ -1231,7 +1172,7 @@ who's redundant.
%
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
%
If you're early, it'll be cancelled.
If you're early, it'll be canceled.
If you knock yourself out to be on time, you will
have to wait.
If you're late, you will be too late.
@ -1282,9 +1223,6 @@ Murphy's rule for precision:
%
You can't fix it if it ain't broke.
%
First rule of intelligent tinkering:
Save all the parts
%
Access holes will be 1/2" too small.
Holes that are the right size will be in the wrong place.
%
@ -1313,9 +1251,6 @@ Office machines which function perfectly during normal
business hours will break down when you return to the
office at night to use them for personal business.
%
Machines that have broken down will work perfectly
when the repairman arrives.
%
Envelopes and stamps which don't stick when you lick
them will stick to other things when you don't want
them to.
@ -1328,15 +1263,12 @@ The last person who quit or was fired will be held
responsible for everything that goes wrong -- until
the next person quits or is fired.
%
If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you
don't want his the paper.
%
The one time in the day that you lean back and relax
is the one time the boss walks through the office.
%
Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass.
%
When you do not know what you are going, do it neatly.
When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
%
Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.
%
@ -1359,7 +1291,7 @@ data points.
%
Any technical problem can be overcome given enough
time and money.
%
You are never given enough time or money.
%
Unless the results are known in advance, funding
@ -1372,11 +1304,6 @@ exact solution and not know the truth at all.
An easily-understood, workable falsehood is more useful
than a complex, incomprehensible truth.
%
Anyone who make a significant contribution to any field
of endeavor and stays in that field long enough,
becomes an obstruction to its progress -- in direct
proportion to the importance of his original contribution.
%
If a scientist uncovers a publishable fact, it will
become central to his theory.
@ -1509,9 +1436,6 @@ will find an easier way to do it.
Every great idea has a disadvantage equal to or
exceeding the greatness of the idea.
%
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately
explained by stupidity.
%
New systems generate new problems.
%
Systems should not be unnecessarily multiplied.
@ -1525,7 +1449,7 @@ The total behavior of large systems cannot be predicted.
A large system, produced by expanding the dimensions of
a smaller system, does not behave like the smaller system.
%
People in systems do not do what the systems says
People in systems do not do what the systems say
they are doing.
%
The system itself does not do what it says it is doing.
@ -1541,8 +1465,8 @@ over, beginning with a working simple system.
(2) Everything is part of a larger system.
(3) The universe is infinitely systematized both upward
(larger systems) and downward (smaller systems).
(4) All systems are infinitely complex. (The illuison
of simplicity comes from focussing attention on
(4) All systems are infinitely complex. (The illusion
of simplicity comes from focusing attention on
one or a few variables).
%
Complex systems tend to oppose their own proper function.
@ -1575,15 +1499,9 @@ you are as to which answer they want.
80% of the final exam will be based on the one lecture
you missed about the one book you didn't read.
%
The night before the english history mid-term, your
biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
%
Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else
to do except study for that instructor's course.
%
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget
your book.
If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget
If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget
where you live.
%
At the end of the semester you will recall having
@ -1616,9 +1534,9 @@ the uninformed.
When a student asks for a second time if you have read
his book report, he did not read the book.
%
If daily class attendance is mandatory, a schedules
exam will product increased absenteeism. If attendance
is optional, a schedules exam will produce persons you
If daily class attendance is mandatory, a scheduled
exam will produce increased absenteeism. If attendance
is optional, a scheduled exam will produce persons you
have never seen before.
%
Just because your doctor has a name for your condition
@ -1655,7 +1573,7 @@ If both answers are the same, don't do the test.
The radiologists' national flower is the hedge.
%
The feasibility of an operation is not the best
indiciation for its performance.
indication for its performance.
%
A physician's ability is inversely proportional
to his availability.
@ -1663,7 +1581,7 @@ to his availability.
There are two kinds of adhesive tape: That which won't
stay on and that which won't come off.
%
Everbody wants a pain shot at the same time.
Everybody wants a pain shot at the same time.
%
Everybody who didn't want a pain shot when you were
passing out pain shots wants one when you are passing
@ -1726,7 +1644,7 @@ The mountain gets steeper as you get closer.
%
The mountain looks closer than it is.
%
All trails have more uphill sections that they have
All trails have more uphill sections than they have
level or downhill sections.
%
The one who least wants to play is the one who will win.
@ -1734,7 +1652,7 @@ The one who least wants to play is the one who will win.
All things being equal, you lose.
All things being in your favor, you still lose.
%
Win or lose, you lose.
%
It always takes longer to get there than to get back.
@ -1783,7 +1701,7 @@ up covered with grease and motor oil.
When necessary, metric and inch tools can be used
interchangeably.
%
Automotive engine reparing law:
Automotive engine repairing law:
If you drop something, it will never reach the ground.
%
If you lived here you'd be home now.
@ -1801,13 +1719,6 @@ It the shoe fits, it's ugly.
%
The one you want is never the one on sale.
%
Anything labeled "new" and/or "improved" isn't.
%
The label "new" and/or "improved" means the price went up.
%
The label "all new," "completely new" or "great news"
means the price went way way up.
%
If an item is advertised as "under $50," you can bet
it's not $19.95.
%
@ -1874,7 +1785,7 @@ The one ingredient you made a special trip to the store
to get will be the one thing your guest is allergic to.
%
The more time and energy you put into preparing a meal
the greater the chance you guests will spend the entire
the greater the chance your guests will spend the entire
meal discussing other meals they have had.
%
Souffles rise and cream whips only for the family and
@ -1930,9 +1841,9 @@ refuse to utter a word when requested to demonstrate
for an audience.
%
A shy, introverted child will choose a crowded public
area to loudly demonstrate new acquired vocabulary.
area to loudly demonstrate newly acquired vocabulary.
%
The probablility of a cat eating its dinner has
The probability of a cat eating its dinner has
absolutely nothing to do with the price of the food
placed before it.
%
@ -1959,7 +1870,7 @@ it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode.
If there are only two shows worth watching, they will
be on together.
%
The only new TV show worth watching will be cancelled.
The only new TV show worth watching will be canceled.
%
The TV show you've been looking forward to all week
will be preempted.
@ -1977,7 +1888,7 @@ When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal
(2) You will reach it just in time to hear the click
of the caller hanging up.
%
People to whom you are attracted invariably thing you
People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
remind them of someone else.
%
The one who snores will fall asleep first.
@ -1991,12 +1902,12 @@ make a fool of yourself in person.
%
Other people's romantic gestures seem novel and exciting.
Your own romantic gestures seem fooolish and clumsy.
Your own romantic gestures seem foolish and clumsy.
%
The length of a marriage is inversely proportional
to the amount spent on the wedding.
%
The probablility of meeting someone you know increases
The probability of meeting someone you know increases
when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
%
If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember
@ -2028,10 +1939,6 @@ happened to everyone you know only more so.
%
He who laughs last -- probably didn't get the joke.
%
Don't worry over what other people are thinking about
you. They're too busy worrying over what you are
thinking about them.
%
In a bureaucratic hierarchy, the higher up the
organization the less people appreciate Murphy's law,
the Peter Principle, etc.
@ -2048,7 +1955,7 @@ When we try to pick out anything by itself we find
it hitched to everything else in the universe.
%
If one views his problem closely enough he will
recoginize himself as part of the problem.
recognize himself as part of the problem.
%
Everything may be divided into as many parts as you please.
%
@ -2116,18 +2023,18 @@ How did they measure hail before the golf ball was invented?
To err is human, to forgive is divine --
but to forget it altogether is humane.
%
"Watching a birdie" in hand is safer that watching
"Watching a birdie" in hand is safer than watching
one overhead.
%
The light at the end of the tunnel can be a helluva
nuisance, especially if your're using the tunnel
nuisance, especially if you're using the tunnel
as a darkroom.
%
Never play leapfrog with a photo enlarger.
%
Never argue with an artist.
%
When in doubt, don't muble, overexpose ... then mumble.
When in doubt, don't mumble, overexpose ... then mumble.
%
The light at the end of the tunnel really is a train.
%
@ -2163,7 +2070,7 @@ If his IQ was any lower he'd be a plant.
%
Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
%
It is far better to do nothing that to do
It is far better to do nothing than to do
something efficiently.
-- Siezbo
%
@ -2176,7 +2083,7 @@ A fool and his money are invited places.
%
All things come to him whose name is on a mailing list.
%
The hand that rocks the craddle usually is attached
The hand that rocks the cradle usually is attached
to someone who isn't getting enough sleep.
%
After winning an argument with his wife,
@ -2193,7 +2100,7 @@ Easy doesn't do it.
Most people want to be delivered from temptation but
would like it to keep in touch.
%
When a distinguised scientist states something is possible,
When a distinguished scientist states something is possible,
he is almost certainly right. When he states that
something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.
%
@ -2220,21 +2127,18 @@ take what they get.
Real programmers don't comment their code. if it is hard
to write, it should be hard to understand.
%
Real programmers don't write apllications programs; they
Real programmers don't write applications programs; they
program right down on the bare metal. Application
programming is for feebs who can't do systems programming.
%
Real programmers don't eat quiche. In fact, real
programmers don't know how to spell quiche. They eat
twinkies and szechuan food.
Twinkies and szechuan food.
%
Real programmer's programs never work the first time. But
if you throw them on the machine, they can be patched into
working in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions.
%
Real programmers don't write in Fortran. Fortran is for
pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies.
%
Real programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real
programmers are around at 9 a.m., it's because they
were up all night.

5
games/fortune/datfiles/murphy-o
View File

@ -1,4 +1,5 @@
%%$FreeBSD$
%
You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.
%
When you're up to your nose in shit,
@ -9,9 +10,6 @@ one dam thing after another.
%
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
%
Old Scottish prayer: O Lord, grant that we may always be
right, for thou knowest we will never change our minds.
%
All probabilities are 50%: either a thing will
happen or it won't.
@ -29,3 +27,4 @@ Pity the poor egg;
It only gets laid once in its life.
%
It's always the wrong time of the month.
%

107
games/fortune/datfiles/startrek
View File

@ -1,4 +1,5 @@
%% $FreeBSD$
%
A father doesn't destroy his children.
-- Lt. Carolyn Palamas, "Who Mourns for Adonais?",
stardate 3468.1.
@ -50,8 +51,8 @@ in this way? ... Obedience. Duty. Death, and more death ...
enough to play around with that.
-- McCoy, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown
%
"Beauty is transitory."
"Beauty survives."
"Beauty is transitory."
"Beauty survives."
-- Spock and Kirk, "That Which Survives", stardate unknown
%
Behind every great man, there is a woman -- urging him on.
@ -66,13 +67,12 @@ able to break it, but, I'll bet you credits to Navy Beans we can put a
dent in it.
-- deSalle, "Catspaw", stardate 3018.2
%
"Can you imagine how life could be improved if we could do away with
jealousy, greed, hate ..."
"It can also be improved by eliminating love, tenderness, sentiment --
the other side of the coin"
-- Dr. Roger Corby and Kirk, "What are Little Girls Made Of?",
stardate 2712.4
"Can you imagine how life could be improved if we could do away
with jealousy, greed, hate ..."
"It can also be improved by eliminating love, tenderness,
sentiment -- the other side of the coin"
-- Dr. Roger Corby and Kirk,
"What are Little Girls Made Of?", stardate 2712.4
%
Change is the essential process of all existence.
-- Spock, "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield", stardate 5730.2
@ -132,8 +132,8 @@ mistakes.
Every living thing wants to survive.
-- Spock, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
%
"Evil does seek to maintain power by suppressing the truth."
"Or by misleading the innocent."
"Evil does seek to maintain power by suppressing the truth."
"Or by misleading the innocent."
-- Spock and McCoy, "And The Children Shall Lead",
stardate 5029.5.
%
@ -152,16 +152,16 @@ First study the enemy. Seek weakness.
Four thousand throats may be cut in one night by a running man.
-- Klingon Soldier, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown
%
"... freedom ... is a worship word..."
"It is our worship word too."
"... freedom ... is a worship word..."
"It is our worship word too."
-- Cloud William and Kirk, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown
%
Genius doesn't work on an assembly line basis. You can't simply say,
"Today I will be brilliant."
-- Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
%
"Get back to your stations!"
"We're beaming down to the planet, sir."
"Get back to your stations!"
"We're beaming down to the planet, sir."
-- Kirk and Mr. Leslie, "This Side of Paradise",
stardate 3417.3
%
@ -192,9 +192,9 @@ nor am I frightened of it. It simply exists, and I will do whatever
logically needs to be done.
-- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2812.7
%
"I think they're going to take all this money that we spend now on war
and death --"
"And make them spend it on life."
"I think they're going to take all this money that we spend now
on war and death --"
"And make them spend it on life."
-- Edith Keeler and Kirk, "The City on the Edge of Forever",
stardate unknown.
%
@ -278,11 +278,10 @@ It would be illogical to kill without reason
It would seem that evil retreats when forcibly confronted
-- Yarnek of Excalbia, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5
%
"It's hard to believe that something which is neither seen nor felt can
do so much harm."
"That's true. But an idea can't be seen or felt. And that's what kept
the Troglytes in the mines all these centuries. A mistaken idea."
"It's hard to believe that something which is neither seen nor
felt can do so much harm."
"That's true. But an idea can't be seen or felt. And that's
what kept the Troglytes in the mines all these centuries. A mistaken idea."
-- Vanna and Kirk, "The Cloud Minders", stardate 5819.0
%
Killing is stupid; useless!
@ -300,16 +299,16 @@ Landru! Guide us!
Leave bigotry in your quarters; there's no room for it on the bridge.
-- Kirk, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
%
"Life and death are seldom logical."
"But attaining a desired goal always is."
"Life and death are seldom logical."
"But attaining a desired goal always is."
-- McCoy and Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2821.7
%
Live long and prosper.
-- Spock, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7
%
"Logic and practical information do not seem to apply here."
"You admit that?"
"To deny the facts would be illogical, Doctor"
"Logic and practical information do not seem to apply here."
"You admit that?"
"To deny the facts would be illogical, Doctor"
-- Spock and McCoy, "A Piece of the Action", stardate unknown
%
Lots of people drink from the wrong bottle sometimes.
@ -323,7 +322,7 @@ Madness has no purpose. Or reason. But it may have a goal.
-- Spock, "The Alternative Factor", stardate 3088.7
%
Many Myths are based on truth
-- Spock, "The Way to Eden", stardate 5832.3
-- Spock, "The Way to Eden", stardate 5832.3
%
Men don't talk peace unless they're ready to back it up with war.
-- Col. Green, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.4
@ -352,8 +351,8 @@ No one can guarantee the actions of another.
No one may kill a man. Not for any purpose. It cannot be condoned.
-- Kirk, "Spock's Brain", stardate 5431.6
%
"No one talks peace unless he's ready to back it up with war."
"He talks of peace if it is the only way to live."
"No one talks peace unless he's ready to back it up with war."
"He talks of peace if it is the only way to live."
-- Colonel Green and Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain",
stardate 5906.5.
%
@ -440,12 +439,12 @@ Suffocating together ... would create heroic camaraderie.
Superior ability breeds superior ambition.
-- Spock, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9
%
"That unit is a woman."
"A mass of conflicting impulses."
"That unit is a woman."
"A mass of conflicting impulses."
-- Spock and Nomad, "The Changeling", stardate 3541.9
%
"The combination of a number of things to make existence worthwhile."
"Yes, the philosophy of 'none,' meaning 'all.'"
"The combination of a number of things to make existence worthwhile."
"Yes, the philosophy of 'none,' meaning 'all.'"
-- Spock and Lincoln, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.4
%
The face of war has never changed. Surely it is more logical to heal
@ -457,10 +456,11 @@ pattern. We don't fear it as you do.
-- Proconsul Marcus Claudius, "Bread and Circuses",
stardate 4041.2
%
"The glory of creation is in its infinite diversity."
"And in the way our differences combine to create meaning and beauty."
-- Dr. Miranda Jones and Spock, "Is There in Truth No Beauty?",
stardate 5630.8
"The glory of creation is in its infinite diversity."
"And in the way our differences combine to create meaning and
beauty."
-- Dr. Miranda Jones and Spock,
"Is There in Truth No Beauty?", stardate 5630.8
%
The heart is not a logical organ.
-- Dr. Janet Wallace, "The Deadly Years", stardate 3479.4
@ -494,10 +494,10 @@ deeply -- life in every form from fetus to developed being.
to know each other.
-- Kirk, "Elaan of Troyius", stardate 4372.5
%
"The release of emotion is what keeps us healthy. Emotionally healthy."
"That may be, Doctor. However, I have noted that the healthy release
of emotion is frequently unhealthy for those closest to you."
"The release of emotion is what keeps us healthy. Emotionally
healthy."
"That may be, Doctor. However, I have noted that the healthy
release of emotion is frequently unhealthy for those closest to you."
-- McCoy and Spock, "Plato's Stepchildren", stardate 5784.3
%
The sight of death frightens them [Earthers].
@ -551,8 +551,9 @@ There's nothing disgusting about it [the Companion]. It's just another
life form, that's all. You get used to those things.
-- McCoy, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
%
"There's only one kind of woman ..."
"Or man, for that matter. You either believe in yourself or you don't."
"There's only one kind of woman ..."
"Or man, for that matter. You either believe in yourself or
you don't."
-- Kirk and Harry Mudd, "Mudd's Women", stardate 1330.1
%
This cultural mystique surrounding the biological function -- you
@ -628,8 +629,8 @@ development.
We have phasers, I vote we blast 'em!
-- Bailey, "The Corbomite Maneuver", stardate 1514.2
%
"We have the right to survive!"
"Not by killing others."
"We have the right to survive!"
"Not by killing others."
-- Deela and Kirk, "Wink of An Eye", stardate 5710.5
%
We Klingons believe as you do -- the sick should die. Only the strong
@ -641,10 +642,9 @@ But when it comes to your job -- that's different. And it always will
be different.
-- McCoy, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4729.4
%
"What happened to the crewman?"
"The M-5 computer needed a new power source, the crewman merely got in
the way."
"What happened to the crewman?"
"The M-5 computer needed a new power source, the crewman merely
got in the way."
-- Kirk and Dr. Richard Daystrom, "The Ultimate Computer",
stardate 4731.3.
%
@ -652,8 +652,8 @@ What kind of love is that? Not to be loved; never to have shown love.
-- Commissioner Nancy Hedford, "Metamorphosis",
stardate 3219.8
%
"What terrible way to die."
"There are no good ways."
"What a terrible way to die."
"There are no good ways."
-- Sulu and Kirk, "That Which Survives", stardate unknown
%
When a child is taught ... its programmed with simple instructions --
@ -755,3 +755,4 @@ You're too beautiful to ignore. Too much woman.
Youth doesn't excuse everything.
-- Dr. Janice Lester (in Kirk's body), "Turnabout Intruder",
stardate 5928.5.
%

5
games/fortune/datfiles/zippy
View File

@ -1,4 +1,5 @@
%% $FreeBSD$
%
A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAQUIRI!!
%
A dwarf is passing out somewhere in Detroit!
@ -93,6 +94,9 @@ But they went to MARS around 1953!!
%
But was he mature enough last night at the lesbian masquerade?
%
Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missile sighted, target
Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept.
%
Can I have an IMPULSE ITEM instead?
%
Can you MAIL a BEAN CAKE?
@ -1328,3 +1332,4 @@ CHIVAS REGAL, ski NUDE down MT. EVEREST, and have a wild SEX WEEKEND!
YOW!!! I am having fun!!!
%
Zippy's brain cells are straining to bridge synapses ...
%