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Doug Barton 2007-12-07 22:41:39 +00:00
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@ -45,6 +45,19 @@ unto a snowball in Hell."
ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our
very selfhood revealed."
And Jesus replied, "What?"
%
"Are pirates an ethnic group? Or are they just people who burn
illegal cds?"
"Arrrr! We prefer to be called Buccaneer-Americans."
%
"Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with your
penis?"
"Uh, not right now."
"Tsk. A girl has to have some standards."
-- "Real Genius"
%
"Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Who else?" answered the patient.
%
"God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no
matter what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly
@ -57,6 +70,11 @@ though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along
innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they
were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one."
-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
%
"I will profane your fucking remains, E. B."
"Not my remains, Al!"
"Gabriel's trumpet will produce you from the ass of a pig."
-- Al Swearingen, E. B. Farnum, _Deadwood_
%
In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was
without form. And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So
@ -116,6 +134,19 @@ I simply can't fuck any more;
I'm covered with sweat,
And you haven't come yet,
And my God, it's a quarter to four!
%
The Split-Atom Blues
Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine,
Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline....
But if you split those atoms fine,
Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine!
Gimme zits, take my dough,
Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll....
Call the devil and sell my soul,
But Mama keep dem atoms whole!
-- Milo Bloom, "Bloom County"
%
Them Toad Suckers
@ -145,6 +176,28 @@ His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the
room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?"
"I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass
it ain't gonna be Cheerios."
%
Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just
felt great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway,
he just felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and
roared at him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
And this poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of
course, no one is mightier than you."
A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just
bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE
ANIMALS?"
The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages
to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the
jungle."
The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that
was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice:
"WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" Well, this
elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down;
picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of
orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree.
The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says:
"Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so
pissed."
%
"What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you
didn't believe in God."
@ -158,19 +211,6 @@ operation, the young woman asked her somewhat hesitantly how long it
would be before she could resume her sex life. "I really haven't
thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon. "You're the first
patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!"
%
The Split-Atom Blues
Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine,
Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline....
But if you split those atoms fine,
Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine!
Gimme zits, take my dough,
Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll....
Call the devil and sell my soul,
But Mama keep dem atoms whole!
-- Milo Bloom, "Bloom County"
%
... And then there's the guy who bought 20,000 bras, cut them in half,
and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps....
@ -183,10 +223,6 @@ him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole bunch
of knuckles.
-- Harlan Ellison
%
71:
69 with two fingers up your ass.
-- George Carlin
%
... Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side,
you have George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of
fraternity hazing wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating
@ -210,13 +246,9 @@ nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's Annual Nipples Poking
Through Swimsuits Issue.
-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
%
The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil
out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge.
-- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19
%
"Are pirates an ethnic group? Or are they just people who burn
illegal cds?"
"Arrrr! We prefer to be called Buccaneer-Americans."
71:
69 with two fingers up your ass.
-- George Carlin
%
A bureaucracy is like a septic tank -- all the really big shits float
to the top.
@ -306,6 +338,12 @@ All things scabbed and ulcerous, All pox both great and small.
Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all.
-- Monty Python's Flying Circus
%
Alright, yes, date, and shop, and hang out, and go to school ... and
save the world from unspeakable demons. You know, I want to do girlie
stuff.
-- Buffy, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Faith, Hope & Trick"
Season 3, Episode 3
%
America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it
wags its tail, it knocks over a chair.
-- Arnold Joseph Toynbee
@ -327,12 +365,27 @@ bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits,
provideth that they are nice and fresh."
-- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion"
%
Angel: We need you to distract the vampires.
Buffy: Right.
Xander: What are you going to do?
Buffy: I'm going to kill them all. (Walking away)
That oughta distract them.
-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "When She Was Bad"
Season 2, Episode 1
%
Anxiety, n.:
The first time you can't do it a second time.
Panic, n.:
The second time you can't do it the first time.
%
Anya: Look, I know you find me attractive, I've seen you looking
at my breasts.
Xander: Nothing personal, but when a guy does that it just means
his eyes are open.
-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "The Prom"
Season 3, Episode 20
%
Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator.
-- Claude Shouse
@ -398,6 +451,34 @@ Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
%
Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question.
%
Buffy: Am I repulsive? If there was something repulsive about me, you'd
tell me right?
Willow: I'm your friend. I would call you repulsive in a second.
-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "The Harsh Light of Day"
Season 1, Episode 3
%
Buffy: How do you get to be renowned? I mean like, do you have to be
nowned first?
Willow: Yes. First there is the painful nowning process.
-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "The Freshman"
Season 1, Episode 1
%
Buffy: It was exactly you Will, every detail. Except for your not being
a dominatrix, as far as we know.
Willow: Oh right, me and Oz play, "Mistress of Pain" every night.
Xander: Did anyone else just go to a scary visual place?
Buffy: Oh yeah.
-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Dopplegangland"
Season 3, Episode 16
%
Buffy: No! You guys are gonna have a prom. The kind of prom that
everyone should have. I'm going to give you all a nice, fun,
normal evening; if I have to kill every single person on the
face of the earth to do it!
Xander: Yay.
-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "The Prom"
Season 3, Episode 20
%
Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere,
Yankee Ingenuity did exactly that. But their true stroke of genius was
the new bait. The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese;
@ -412,12 +493,6 @@ and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
%
California is proud to be the home of the freeway.
-- Ronald Reagan
%
"Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with your
penis?"
"Uh, not right now."
"Tsk. A girl has to have some standards."
-- "Real Genius"
%
Captain Hook died of jock itch.
%
@ -505,6 +580,11 @@ Conservative, n.:
%
Conserve energy -- make love more slowly.
%
Cordelia: Does looking at guns make you want to have sex?
Xander: I'm seventeen. Looking at _L_I_N_O_L_E_U_M makes me want to have sex.
-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Innocence"
Season 2, Episode 14
%
Cunnilingus is next to godliness.
%
Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you? _F_I_R_S_T you rape,
@ -562,9 +642,6 @@ two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity:
-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
%
Do something big -- fuck a giant
%
"Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Who else?" answered the patient.
%
Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning.
%
@ -616,6 +693,16 @@ Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling
just a bit unchivalrous ...
-- Robert Benchley
%
Every single person down there is ignoring your pain because they're too
busy with their own.
-- Buffy, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Earshot"
Season 3, Episode 18
%
Faith: Tell me you don't get off on this!
Buffy: It didn't suck.
-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Bad Girls"
Season 3, Episode 14
%
Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of
women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their
handbags are full.
@ -626,6 +713,14 @@ licentious, dirty bum!!
%
Floppy now, hard later.
%
For a thousand years I wielded the powers of the wish. I brought ruin
to the heads of unfaithful men. I brought forth destruction and chaos
for the pleasure of the lower beings. I was feared and worshiped across
the mortal globe. And now I'm stuck at Sunnydale High. A mortal.
A child ... and I'm flunking math.
-- Anya, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Dopplegangland"
Season 3, Episode 16
%
For those of you how have been looking for evidence that a working
version of "Star Wars" can be built, consider the following proof
offered by Caspar Weinberger:
@ -653,6 +748,13 @@ punish him? Because George still had the axe in his hand.
Getting an education at the University of California is like having
$50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time.
%
Giles: What do you want?
Angelus: I want to torture you. I used to love it, it's been a long time.
I mean, the last time I tortured somebody, they didn't even _H_A_V_E
chain saws.
-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Becoming, Part 2"
Season 2, Episode 22
%
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
-- Mark Twain
%
@ -878,11 +980,6 @@ Footballer, the Deferrals of a Dean, the Odd Volumes of a Librarian,
the Footnotes of a Ph.D., the Low Grades of a Freshman, the Anxieties
of an Untenured Professor?
-- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
%
"I will profane your fucking remains, E. B."
"Not my remains, Al!"
"Gabriel's trumpet will produce you from the ass of a pig."
-- Al Swearingen, E. B. Farnum, _Deadwood_
%
I would like to suggest that you not use speed, and here's why: it is
going to mess up your heart, mess up your liver, your kidneys, rot out
@ -983,6 +1080,10 @@ In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with
reality at any point.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%
In my world, there are people in chains and we can ride them like ponies.
-- Evil Willow, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Dopplegangland"
Season 3, Episode 16
%
In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
Massaging the bust of his madam,
He chuckled with mirth,
@ -992,13 +1093,13 @@ There were only two boobs and he had 'em.
Incest, n.:
Sibling revelry; a sport the whole family can enjoy.
%
Isn't it odd that people who object to "foul" language are always the
fucking dickheads that need swearing at?
%
Is it just me, or does anyone else read `bible humpers' every time
someone writes `bible thumpers?'
-- Joel M. Snyder, jms@mis.arizona.edu
%
Isn't it odd that people who object to "foul" language are always the
fucking dickheads that need swearing at?
%
It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be
classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck".
%
@ -1101,6 +1202,8 @@ My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my
family, it seems, begins where yours left off.
-- Alexandre Dumas, pere
%
No one is listening until you fart.
%
No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether
she will or will not be a mother.
-- Margaret H. Sanger
@ -1206,6 +1309,17 @@ probably would elect to save the infant's life, without ever
considering whether there were men on base.
-- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
%
Oz: Guys, take a moment to deal with this. We survived.
Buffy: It was a hell of a battle.
Oz: Not the battle. High School.
-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Graduation Day, Part Two"
Season 3, Episode 22
%
Oz: So, do you guys steal weapons from the army a lot?
Willow: Well, we don't have cable, so we have to make our own fun.
-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Innocence"
Season 2, Episode 14
%
People who develop the habit of thinking of themselves as world
citizens are fulfilling the first requirement of sanity in our time.
-- Norman Cousins
@ -1589,6 +1703,8 @@ Secrets to a happy marriage
Sex is like a bridge game.
If you have a good hand no partner is needed.
%
Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
%
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation ... the other eight
are unimportant.
-- Henry Miller
@ -1639,6 +1755,18 @@ Its shit is indistinguishable from the food it produces.
The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the
cactus has the pricks on the outside.
%
The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil
out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge.
-- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19
%
The First: I'm not a demon little girl, I am something that you can't
even conceive. The first evil. Beyond sin, beyond death.
I am the thing the darkness fears. You'll never see me but I
am everywhere. Every being, every thought, every drop of hate.
Buffy: Alright I get it, you're evil. Do we have to chat about it all day?
-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Amends"
Season 3, Episode 10
%
The man who said "A bird in the hand's worth two in the bush" has been
putting his bird in the *WRONG* bushes.
%
@ -1821,6 +1949,8 @@ Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it's just the
opposite.
-- John Kenneth Galbraith
%
UNIX is hard. Let's go shopping!
%
Uppers are no longer stylish, methedrine is almost as rare as pure acid
or DMT. "Consciousness Expansion" went out with LBJ and it is worth
noting, historically, that downers came in with Nixon.
@ -1839,6 +1969,9 @@ War is menstruation envy.
Water? Never touch the stuff! Fish fuck in it.
-- W.C. Fields
%
We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ...
then things get worse.
%
We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
%
We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at
@ -1856,28 +1989,6 @@ country and put parking strips on it, and still be home by Christmas.
Well, see, Joyce, there we were, trapped in the elevator. Now, I had
my tennis racquet and the goldfish; she was holding the Crisco. Surely
you can imagine how one thing naturally led to another!
%
Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just
felt great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway,
he just felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and
roared at him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
And this poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of
course, no one is mightier than you."
A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just
bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE
ANIMALS?"
The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages
to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the
jungle."
The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that
was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice:
"WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" Well, this
elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down;
picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of
orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree.
The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says:
"Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so
pissed."
%
WE'RE GOING TO THROW THE MX AWAY AFTER WE BUILD IT. The MX is really
[Don't tell anybody!] just a "bargaining chip" in the nuclear-arms-
@ -1892,6 +2003,14 @@ George talk.
-- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
Political Fallout"
%
Wesley: I have in fact faced two vampires myself. Under controlled
circumstances of course.
Giles: No danger of finding those here.
Wesley: Vampires?
Giles: Controlled circumstances.
-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Bad Girls"
Season 3, Episode 14
%
What can you use used tampons for? Tea bags for vampires.
%
What did Mickey Mouse get for Christmas?
@ -1931,6 +2050,15 @@ Women's Libbers are OK. I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
Would you mind terribly much if I asked you to take your silly-assed
problem down the hall?
%
Xander: Let me tell you something. When it's dark, and I'm all alone,
and I'm scared, or freaked out, or whatever. I always think,
"What would Buffy do?" You're my hero. Ok, sometimes when it's
dark and I'm all alone I think, "What is Buffy wearing?"
Buffy: Can that be one of those things that you never ever tell me about?
Xander: It's a deal.
-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "The Freshman"
Season 1, Episode 1
%
Yes, that was Richard Nixon. He used to be President. When he left
the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware.
-- Woody Allen, "Sleeper"
@ -1994,131 +2122,3 @@ You have to regard everything I say with suspicion -- I may be trying
to bullshit you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently.
-- J. Wainwright, Mathematics 140b
%
UNIX is hard. Let's go shopping!
%
Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
%
No one is listening until you fart.
%
We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ...
then things get worse.
%
Angel: We need you to distract the vampires.
Buffy: Right.
Xander: What are you going to do?
Buffy: I'm going to kill them all. (Walking away)
That oughta distract them.
-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "When She Was Bad"
Season 2, Episode 1
%
Cordelia: Does looking at guns make you want to have sex?
Xander: I'm seventeen. Looking at _L_I_N_O_L_E_U_M makes me want to have sex.
-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Innocence"
Season 2, Episode 14
%
Oz: So, do you guys steal weapons from the army a lot?
Willow: Well, we don't have cable, so we have to make our own fun.
-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Innocence"
Season 2, Episode 14
%
Giles: What do you want?
Angelus: I want to torture you. I used to love it, it's been a long time.
I mean, the last time I tortured somebody, they didn't even _H_A_V_E
chain saws.
-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Becoming, Part 2"
Season 2, Episode 22
%
Alright, yes, date, and shop, and hang out, and go to school ... and
save the world from unspeakable demons. You know, I want to do girlie
stuff.
-- Buffy, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Faith, Hope & Trick"
Season 3, Episode 3
%
The First: I'm not a demon little girl, I am something that you can't
even conceive. The first evil. Beyond sin, beyond death.
I am the thing the darkness fears. You'll never see me but I
am everywhere. Every being, every thought, every drop of hate.
Buffy: Alright I get it, you're evil. Do we have to chat about it all day?
-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Amends"
Season 3, Episode 10
%
Faith: Tell me you don't get off on this!
Buffy: It didn't suck.
-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Bad Girls"
Season 3, Episode 14
%
Wesley: I have in fact faced two vampires myself. Under controlled
circumstances of course.
Giles: No danger of finding those here.
Wesley: Vampires?
Giles: Controlled circumstances.
-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Bad Girls"
Season 3, Episode 14
%
For a thousand years I wielded the powers of the wish. I brought ruin
to the heads of unfaithful men. I brought forth destruction and chaos
for the pleasure of the lower beings. I was feared and worshiped across
the mortal globe. And now I'm stuck at Sunnydale High. A mortal.
A child ... and I'm flunking math.
-- Anya, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Dopplegangland"
Season 3, Episode 16
%
In my world, there are people in chains and we can ride them like ponies.
-- Evil Willow, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Dopplegangland"
Season 3, Episode 16
%
Buffy: It was exactly you Will, every detail. Except for your not being
a dominatrix, as far as we know.
Willow: Oh right, me and Oz play, "Mistress of Pain" every night.
Xander: Did anyone else just go to a scary visual place?
Buffy: Oh yeah.
-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Dopplegangland"
Season 3, Episode 16
%
Every single person down there is ignoring your pain because they're too
busy with their own.
-- Buffy, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Earshot"
Season 3, Episode 18
%
Anya: Look, I know you find me attractive, I've seen you looking
at my breasts.
Xander: Nothing personal, but when a guy does that it just means
his eyes are open.
-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "The Prom"
Season 3, Episode 20
%
Buffy: No! You guys are gonna have a prom. The kind of prom that
everyone should have. I'm going to give you all a nice, fun,
normal evening; if I have to kill every single person on the
face of the earth to do it!
Xander: Yay.
-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "The Prom"
Season 3, Episode 20
%
Oz: Guys, take a moment to deal with this. We survived.
Buffy: It was a hell of a battle.
Oz: Not the battle. High School.
-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Graduation Day, Part Two"
Season 3, Episode 22
%
Buffy: How do you get to be renowned? I mean like, do you have to be
nowned first?
Willow: Yes. First there is the painful nowning process.
-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "The Freshman"
Season 1, Episode 1
%
Xander: Let me tell you something. When it's dark, and I'm all alone,
and I'm scared, or freaked out, or whatever. I always think,
"What would Buffy do?" You're my hero. Ok, sometimes when it's
dark and I'm all alone I think, "What is Buffy wearing?"
Buffy: Can that be one of those things that you never ever tell me about?
Xander: It's a deal.
-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "The Freshman"
Season 1, Episode 1
%
Buffy: Am I repulsive? If there was something repulsive about me, you'd
tell me right?
Willow: I'm your friend. I would call you repulsive in a second.
-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "The Harsh Light of Day"
Season 1, Episode 3
%

365
games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o
View File

@ -603,6 +603,11 @@ remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver,
"I have a dead pussy."
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said,
"Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."
%
"And what do you two think you are doing?!" roared the husband,
as he came upon his wife in bed with another man. The wife turned and
smiled at her companion.
"See?" she said. "I told you he was stupid!"
%
"Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best
to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the
@ -630,6 +635,25 @@ using our exclusive Interactive Mode, invent your own!
immersible for easy cleaning. SofSqueeze's flesh-toned exterior is finely
textured for a realistic effect. Requires 4K RAM, a DB25 serial port and
limited graphics capability. Comes fully assembled, with 4 AA batteries.
%
At an elegant dinner party, Lady Astor once leaned across the table
to remark, "If you were my husband, Winston, I'd poison your coffee." "And
if you were my wife, I'd beat the shit out of you," came Churchill's
unhesitating retort.
-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
%
At his sentencing, Herbie Sperling proved that he was the all-time
stand-up guy.
Sperling's lawyer made a lengthy, impassioned plea for his client.
He talked of mercy, justice, humanity to fellow men who have chosen the wrong
path. Yes, the crimes were serious, yes, Mr. Sperling deserves a prison
sentence, but the maximum sentence was not warranted.
Then the judge turned to Sperling. "Mr. Sperling, is there anything
you wish to say?"
"Yes, Your Honor. If you think I'm going to beg for mercy, you've
got another think coming. You're all a bunch of fucking fascist cocksuckers,
you can all go to hell, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you..."
-- Gregory Wallace, "Papa's Game"
%
Attracted by repeated newspaper advertisements, and realizing that
his waist had gone both East and West despite his daily racquetball, a young
@ -680,6 +704,12 @@ Not half a mile from his castle, he heard hoofbeats behind him and turned to
see Sir Lancelot riding hard to catch up with him.
"What is amiss, my friend?" asked the king.
"My lord," gasped Lancelot, "you have given me the wrong key!"
%
"Before we get married," said the young woman to her fiancee,
"I want to confess some affairs that I've had in the past."
"But you told me all about those a few weeks ago," her young man
replied.
"Yes, darling," she explained, "but that was a few weeks ago."
%
Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best
friend asked him how it went.
@ -689,6 +719,17 @@ times. The fifth night, five times. The sixth night, four times, and the
last night, nothing!"
"Nothing?" his pal asked. "How come?"
"Hey, you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?"
%
Churchill was given to reading in the bathtub and, while staying at
the White House, he once became so engrossed in an account of the Battle of
Fonteney that he forgot President Roosevelt was due to drop by to discuss the
upcoming conference in Yalta. At the appointed hour, the President was
wheeled into Churchill's quarters only to be informed that the Prime Minister
had not finished bathing. Roosevelt was about to apologize for the intrusion
and depart when Churchill, puffing his customary cigar, strode into the room
stark naked and greeted the nonplussed world leader with a terse, "What are
you staring at, homo?"
-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
%
Churchill was known to drain a glass or two and, after one
particularly convivial evening, he chanced to encounter Miss Bessie Braddock,
@ -698,17 +739,10 @@ himself up to his full height, cocked an eyebrow and rejoined, "Shove it up
your ass, you ugly cunt."
-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
%
When the noted playwright George Bernard Shaw sent him two tickets to
the opening night of his new play with a note that read: "Bring a friend, if
you have one," Churchill, not to be outdone, promptly wired back: "You and
your play can go fuck yourselves."
-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
%
At an elegant dinner party, Lady Astor once leaned across the table
to remark, "If you were my husband, Winston, I'd poison your coffee." "And
if you were my wife, I'd beat the shit out of you," came Churchill's
unhesitating retort.
-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
"Dad," the 13-year-old boy asked, looking up from his social-
studies text, "what did you do during the sexual revolution?"
"Well, son," his father confided, "I guess you could say I was
captured early and spent the duration doing the dishes."
%
"Daddy?"
"Yes son."
@ -747,6 +781,13 @@ response to her advertisement. "I'm terribly sorry," she stammered, "but my
ad was quite explicit. I'm really looking for something of a sexual expert,
and you... uh... don't have all the..."
"Listen," the man interrupted her, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
%
Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly
pointed out of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening
sight I have ever seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing
more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand
on the child's shoulder. "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning
out of the car. "Run for your life!"
%
During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were
blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face
@ -894,6 +935,14 @@ in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?"
differences once and for all.
When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just
where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
%
Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the
Senate, got on better with the House of Representatives. A popular
story circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was
roused by his wife crying, "Wake up! I think there are burglars in the
house."
"No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate
maybe, but not in the House."
%
Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home
from the club to an irate, ranting wife.
@ -1015,12 +1064,29 @@ bricks."
"Oh, how can you tell?"
"Well, last night when she sat on my face, I couldn't
hear the stereo."
%
"I was plodding through the woods when suddenly a giant brown
bear grabbed me from behind and made me drop my gun. He picked it up
and stuck it in my back."
"What did you do?"
"What *could* I do? I married his daughter."
%
I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said,
"What'll you have, Bud"?
I said," I don't know, surprise me".
So he showed me a nude picture of my wife.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
%
"I'll tell ya, Jeb," Wilbur said to his friend, "the tractor
business ain't doin' too well. I ain't sold one all month.
"You think you've got problems?" Jeb replied. "The other day, I went
out to milk Daisy, when she swatted me in the face with her tail, like she
always does. So I took some twine and tied it to the rafters. When I sat
down again, she kicked me like she always does. So I tied her leg to the
side of the stall. When I started to sit down again, I could see her taking
aim with her other leg, so I tied it to the other side of the stall. And I'll
tell you what," he continued with a sigh, "if you can convince my wife I was
gonna *milk* that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you!"
%
"I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the
young man to his father as he prepared to leave home. "Don't try to stop me.
@ -1091,6 +1157,17 @@ life out of it, okay, pal?" While they were doing that, I walked over to the
Oyster Bar. A real dive. But I knew the owner. He used to play for the
Dolphins. I said "Hi, Gil!" You have to yell -- he's hard of herring.
-- Kip Addotta, "Wet Dream"
%
It was her wedding night, and the sweet young thing was in a
romantic haze. "Oh, darling," she sighed, "We're married at last.
It's all like a wonderful dream!"
Her husband didn't answer. A few moments passed. She sighed again
and said, "I'm afraid I'll awake in a moment and find it isn't true."
Still no response from her spouse. Another pause and another
sensuous sigh, then, softly, "I just can't believe that I'm really your
wife."
"Damn it," growled her mate, "as soon as I get this shoelace untied,
you will!"
%
It was in a bar in midtown Manhattan and the Frenchman and the
American were talking about love over some dry Martinis. "Deed you know,
@ -1183,6 +1260,10 @@ therapy ask if people have had therapy.
Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc.
Assume that she bought them at a flea market.
-- James Peterson and Kate Nolan
%
"Never send a MAN to do a WOMAN'S work!"
"Why do you think I CAME here?"
"Not for the good of my ego, that was for damn sure."
%
Never take a resume seriously. Resumes only make money for the
people who write the resumes. No resume ever tells an employer how many
@ -1360,6 +1441,13 @@ Einstein stagger across the room for a Tylenol.
A good position paper will never underestimate the value of a
semicolon.
-- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma"
%
Rosenberg wanted to leave the country. "And what is *your*
reason?" asks the official at the Passport Office.
"I am told a pogrom is being prepared. Against the Jews and
the barbers," replies Rosenberg.
"Why the barbers?"
"Everybody asks that question. That's why I want to leave."
%
Santa Claus comes down the chimney and the nubile sixteen-year-old
has been waiting for him. Santa sees her, and in typically unflappable
@ -1383,21 +1471,6 @@ gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way."
stood handcuffed in driving rain waiting for transport to prison. "If
this is the way Queen Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked, "she
doesn't deserve to have any."
%
Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly
pointed out of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening
sight I have ever seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing
more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand
on the child's shoulder. "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning
out of the car. "Run for your life!"
%
Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the
Senate, got on better with the House of Representatives. A popular
story circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was
roused by his wife crying, "Wake up! I think there are burglars in the
house."
"No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate
maybe, but not in the House."
%
Shortly after arriving at their honeymoon destination, the
still-nervous groom became worried about the state of his bride's innocence.
@ -1417,29 +1490,19 @@ care for neither your politics nor your moustache." Unabashed, the young
statesman regarded her quietly for a moment, then wryly commented, "Suck my
dick."
-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
%
While serving as a subaltern in the Boer War, the young Churchill was
asked by a superior officer to give his opinion of the Boers as soldiers.
"They're assholes, sir," he ventured, then paused briefly and added, with a
whimsical smile, "They're assholes."
-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
%
Churchill was given to reading in the bathtub and, while staying at
the White House, he once became so engrossed in an account of the Battle of
Fonteney that he forgot President Roosevelt was due to drop by to discuss the
upcoming conference in Yalta. At the appointed hour, the President was
wheeled into Churchill's quarters only to be informed that the Prime Minister
had not finished bathing. Roosevelt was about to apologize for the intrusion
and depart when Churchill, puffing his customary cigar, strode into the room
stark naked and greeted the nonplussed world leader with a terse, "What are
you staring at, homo?"
-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
%
"Sir", said the beggar, "can you spare fifty dollars for a cup of
coffee?"
"Fifty dollars for a cup of coffee, one should be sufficient!",
answered the gentleman, rather shortly.
"I know", replied the beggar, "but coffee always makes me horny."
%
So this traveling salesman got an audience with the Pope.
"Hey, father," he said, "have you heard the joke about the two Polacks
who --"
"My son," the Pope reminded him, "I'm Polish."
The salesman thought for a moment. "That's okay, Father," he
said. "I'll tell it very slowly."
%
"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a
sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar.
@ -1864,6 +1927,23 @@ suggested that they play a joke on their son. So, at dinner, after grace,
the man turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pass the damn ham."
Their son looked up, surprised. "WHOAH! Dad be gettin' hip!
How 'bout them mother-fuckin' potatoes?"
%
When the noted playwright George Bernard Shaw sent him two tickets to
the opening night of his new play with a note that read: "Bring a friend, if
you have one," Churchill, not to be outdone, promptly wired back: "You and
your play can go fuck yourselves."
-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
%
"Where'd she get those crow's feet?"
"You really want to know?"
"Yeah."
"From squinting and screaming, "Suck what!?"
%
While serving as a subaltern in the Boer War, the young Churchill was
asked by a superior officer to give his opinion of the Boers as soldiers.
"They're assholes, sir," he ventured, then paused briefly and added, with a
whimsical smile, "They're assholes."
-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
%
While visiting our country, a lovely French maiden found herself
out of money just as her visa expired. Unable to pay her passage back to
@ -2560,9 +2640,6 @@ another erection!"
"Well, you will, you *will*," reassures the doctor, "but it will, of
course, have to be someone else's."
%
A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
-- Groucho Marx
%
A man is driving down the road on his way to Salerno. By the roadside he
sees a man hitchhiking and stops to pick him up. As the man gets into his
car he suddenly pulls out a gun and makes the driver get out of the car.
@ -2596,6 +2673,9 @@ anything to show my gratitude."
that holds up his ragged pants. "Well, then, here -- use this as a leash
and take that damn dog for a walk!"
%
A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
-- Groucho Marx
%
A man is playing golf at a very exclusive country club when he hits a hole-
in-one. As he takes his ball from the cup, a genie appears.
"Since you've made a hole in one, you may have a single wish. What
@ -3713,11 +3793,6 @@ And she said, with a tear in her eye,
%
And then there was the lawyer that stepped in cow manure and thought
he was melting...
%
"And what do you two think you are doing?!" roared the husband,
as he came upon his wife in bed with another man. The wife turned and
smiled at her companion.
"See?" she said. "I told you he was stupid!"
%
Another greeting card category consists of those persons who send out
photographs of their families every year. In the same mail that brought the
@ -3973,12 +4048,6 @@ Bedfellows make strange politicians.
%
beef stroganoff, n:
A bull masturbating.
%
"Before we get married," said the young woman to her fiancee,
"I want to confess some affairs that I've had in the past."
"But you told me all about those a few weeks ago," her young man
replied.
"Yes, darling," she explained, "but that was a few weeks ago."
%
Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals.
To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football.
@ -4514,11 +4583,6 @@ Sed virginem pine necebat.
Cunnilingus is next to cleanliness.
%
Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back.
%
"Dad," the 13-year-old boy asked, looking up from his social-
studies text, "what did you do during the sexual revolution?"
"Well, son," his father confided, "I guess you could say I was
captured early and spent the duration doing the dishes."
%
Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer true,
Daisy, Daisy, wouldn't you like to screw?
@ -4545,24 +4609,6 @@ from Avis again.
axe used in three murders being found in the trunk of
his rented car.
%
If you guys have a beef with her, that's her problem. Don't lay it on
me. The old lady has to take care of her own weight.
-- Herbie Sperling, convicted heroin dealer, on being
arrested for narcotics possession at his mother's house.
%
At his sentencing, Herbie Sperling proved that he was the all-time
stand-up guy.
Sperling's lawyer made a lengthy, impassioned plea for his client.
He talked of mercy, justice, humanity to fellow men who have chosen the wrong
path. Yes, the crimes were serious, yes, Mr. Sperling deserves a prison
sentence, but the maximum sentence was not warranted.
Then the judge turned to Sperling. "Mr. Sperling, is there anything
you wish to say?"
"Yes, Your Honor. If you think I'm going to beg for mercy, you've
got another think coming. You're all a bunch of fucking fascist cocksuckers,
you can all go to hell, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you..."
-- Gregory Wallace, "Papa's Game"
%
Dance is the vertical expression of a horizontal intention.
%
date; talk; touch; unzip; finger; expand; strip; head; mount; yes; yes; yes;
@ -4766,6 +4812,10 @@ Don't look now -- your office mate is a pederast!!!
%
Don't look now, but your mother is having sex with a horse.
%
Don't see 'em this big out here, do they?
-- Lyndon B. Johnson, exposing himself to reporters
in a public toilet during a tour of the Far East
%
Down by the old model T,
Where she first showed it to me.
It was furry and black,
@ -6562,6 +6612,12 @@ But she didn't -- she laughed and said "Naw!"
%
I never met a woman I couldn't drink pretty.
%
I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket.
-- Lyndon B. Johnson
I've got Hubert's pecker in my pocket.
-- Lyndon B. Johnson
%
I once had the wife of a Dean
Seven times while the Dean was out skiin'.
She remarked with some gaiety,
@ -6636,12 +6692,6 @@ dam by ourselves! But do they call me `Dimitri the dam builder?' Hell, no!"
As we passed a beautiful cottage, Dimitri started up again -- "See
that house? I built that for my wife with my own two hands! But do they
call me `Dimitri the home builder'? No! But just one little sheep!"
%
"I was plodding through the woods when suddenly a giant brown
bear grabbed me from behind and made me drop my gun. He picked it up
and stuck it in my back."
"What did you do?"
"What *could* I do? I married his daughter."
%
I went to a wild party last night. I tell ya, it was so wild, we played
a new version of Russian roulette. We passed around six girls and one
@ -6703,7 +6753,6 @@ Then leave it out at Moose Grin Hall
With our cousin who's deranged ...
-- National Lampoon, to an old Coke commercial
%
%
I'd like to start a new religion. One that doesn't use a dead young
man as its logo.
-- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy"
@ -6809,6 +6858,11 @@ And you can't afford paper at all,
However forlorn,
There is always the lavat'ry wall.
%
If you guys have a beef with her, that's her problem. Don't lay it on
me. The old lady has to take care of her own weight.
-- Herbie Sperling, convicted heroin dealer, on being
arrested for narcotics possession at his mother's house.
%
If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish.
-- Lenny Bruce
%
@ -6868,17 +6922,6 @@ Dont la figure n'etait la meilleure,
Mais la vagine tres forte,
Toujours ouverte la porte,
Encore, et encore, et encore.
%
"I'll tell ya, Jeb," Wilbur said to his friend, "the tractor
business ain't doin' too well. I ain't sold one all month.
"You think you've got problems?" Jeb replied. "The other day, I went
out to milk Daisy, when she swatted me in the face with her tail, like she
always does. So I took some twine and tied it to the rafters. When I sat
down again, she kicked me like she always does. So I tied her leg to the
side of the stall. When I started to sit down again, I could see her taking
aim with her other leg, so I tied it to the other side of the stall. And I'll
tell you what," he continued with a sigh, "if you can convince my wife I was
gonna *milk* that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you!"
%
I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
@ -7313,17 +7356,6 @@ about."
you," he said to a fourth mouse, "what did you think?"
"To tell you the truth," was the reply, "I'm no authority on legs;
I'm a tit mouse myself."
%
It was her wedding night, and the sweet young thing was in a
romantic haze. "Oh, darling," she sighed, "We're married at last.
It's all like a wonderful dream!"
Her husband didn't answer. A few moments passed. She sighed again
and said, "I'm afraid I'll awake in a moment and find it isn't true."
Still no response from her spouse. Another pause and another
sensuous sigh, then, softly, "I just can't believe that I'm really your
wife."
"Damn it," growled her mate, "as soon as I get this shoelace untied,
you will!"
%
It was his third marriage and her fourth. He was quite surprised when on
their honeymoon she pleaded, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
@ -7475,16 +7507,6 @@ I couldn't ask for more,
She's deaf and dumb and over-sexed,
And owns a liquor store.
%
I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket.
-- Lyndon B. Johnson
I've got Hubert's pecker in my pocket.
-- Lyndon B. Johnson
%
Don't see 'em this big out here, do they?
-- Lyndon B. Johnson, exposing himself to reporters
in a public toilet during a tour of the Far East
%
Jack an Jill went up the hill.
Jill went down,
Jack came.
@ -8151,6 +8173,12 @@ Mind you, not as bad as the night Archie Pettigrew ate some sheep's
testicles for a bet... God, that bloody sheep kicked him!
-- Ripping Yarns
%
Miss Mona: You know what burns my ass?
Ed Earl: What?
Miss Mona: A flame about three feet high!
-- Dolly Parton and Burt Reynolds,
"The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas"
%
Missed the train at the railway station
Oh hell, blast, and damnation!
Asked a lady in there if she had the time,
@ -8357,10 +8385,6 @@ Negotiate my ass, let's kill something!
%
Never fly under a seagull - they'll shit on your airplane.
-- Gordon Cooper
%
"Never send a MAN to do a WOMAN'S work!"
"Why do you think I CAME here?"
"Not for the good of my ego, that was for damn sure."
%
Never try to keep up with the Joneses; they might be newlyweds.
%
@ -9380,6 +9404,9 @@ A: Your bicycle.
Q: What do a walrus and a tupperware container have in common?
A: They both like a tight seal.
%
Q: What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night?
A: Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog.
%
Q: What do elephants use instead of tampons?
A: Sheep. Well, they used to, anyway. There have been so many cases
of Toxic Flock Syndrome recently that their ewes has been discouraged.
@ -9527,6 +9554,9 @@ A: Nothing, except Fairy Tales start off with "Once upon a time".
[I thought Fairy Tales started off, "Honey, I'm gonna be at the
office a little late, tonight... Ed.]
%
Q: What's the difference between a hold-up and a stick-up?
A: Age.
%
Q: What's the difference between a JAP and a baby elephant?
A: About 10 pounds.
@ -9542,6 +9572,9 @@ A: The weekend never comes too soon.
Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a fast car?
A: Not everyone's been in a fast car.
%
Q: What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
%
Q: What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use
the whole bird.
@ -9554,11 +9587,22 @@ A: One always told the truth, one always lied, and one can't tell the
Q: What's the difference between hard and dark?
A: It stays dark all night.
%
Q: What's the difference between "Oooh" and "Aaah"?
A: About three inches.
%
Q: What's the difference between the 1950's and the 1980's?
A: In the 80's, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly, "I'd
like some condoms," and then, leaning over the counter, whispers,
"and some cigarettes."
%
Q: What's the difference between VMS and PMS?
A1: PMS is only a problem for some people.
A2: PMS is only a problem for part of the month.
A3: The drugstore has remedies for PMS.
A4: People with PMS get sympathy.
A5: People with PMS don't wish they were UNIX.
%
Q: What's the last thing that goes through a grasshopper's mind when
he hits your windshield?
A: His ass.
@ -9601,6 +9645,12 @@ Q: Why did Ted Kennedy report the accident 8 hours after Mary
Jo Kopechne drowned?
A: Do you have any idea how hard it is to dress a woman underwater?
%
Q: Why did the epileptic cross the road?
A: He couldn't help it.
Q: What do you do if an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub?
A: Throw in the dirty clothes and some laundry detergent.
%
Q: Why do dogs lick their private parts?
A: Because they can.
%
@ -9610,6 +9660,12 @@ A: To stamp out forest fires.
Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet?
A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
%
Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?
A: So they can jump into trees and rape mice.
Q: What is the most fearsome sound in the world to a mouse?
A: BOING!! BOING!! BOING!!
%
Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.
%
@ -9658,38 +9714,6 @@ Q: Why was Cinderella banished from the Magic Kingdom?
A: For sitting on Pinocchio's face and screaming, "Tell the truth!
Tell a lie! Tell the truth! Tell a lie!"
%
Q: What's the difference between VMS and PMS?
A1: PMS is only a problem for some people.
A2: PMS is only a problem for part of the month.
A3: The drugstore has remedies for PMS.
A4: People with PMS get sympathy.
A5: People with PMS don't wish they were UNIX.
%
Q: What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night?
A: Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog.
%
Q: What's the difference between a hold-up and a stick-up?
A: Age.
%
Q: What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
%
Q: What's the difference between "Oooh" and "Aaah"?
A: About three inches.
%
Q: Why did the epileptic cross the road?
A: He couldn't help it.
Q: What do you do if an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub?
A: Throw in the dirty clothes and some laundry detergent.
%
Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?
A: So they can jump into trees and rape mice.
Q: What is the most fearsome sound in the world to a mouse?
A: BOING!! BOING!! BOING!!
%
QOTD:
"... was it a dream where you see yourself standing in sort-of
Sun-God robes, on a pyramid, with a thousand naked women screaming
@ -9943,16 +9967,12 @@ Now it's ten years later, but he stills keeps up the fight.
In Ireland, in Lebanon, in Palestine, in Berkeley,
Patty Hearst... heard the burst... of Roland's Thompson gun, and bought it.
-- Warren Zevon, "Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner"
%
Rosenberg wanted to leave the country. "And what is *your*
reason?" asks the official at the Passport Office.
"I am told a pogrom is being prepared. Against the Jews and
the barbers," replies Rosenberg.
"Why the barbers?"
"Everybody asks that question. That's why I want to leave."
%
Roses on your piano isn't nearly as good as tulips on your organ.
%
Roumanian-Yiddish cooking has killed more Jews than Hitler.
-- Zero Mostel
%
Rugby is a game played by men with peculiarly shaped balls.
%
rugby, n:
@ -10519,13 +10539,6 @@ staggering in early the next morning.
"Here," she said, "I've got four dollars and ten cents."
"Four dollars and ten cents," he said. "Who gave you the ten cents?"
"Everybody," she said.
%
So this traveling salesman got an audience with the Pope.
"Hey, father," he said, "have you heard the joke about the two Polacks
who --"
"My son," the Pope reminded him, "I'm Polish."
The salesman thought for a moment. "That's okay, Father," he
said. "I'll tell it very slowly."
%
So you fucked up... you trusted us!
-- Animal House
@ -13211,11 +13224,6 @@ And now I have an erection all the time.
%
Whenever someone tells you to "take it like a man" it usually means
up your ass.
%
"Where'd she get those crow's feet?"
"You really want to know?"
"Yeah."
"From squinting and screaming, "Suck what!?"
%
Which of the following doesn't belong?
a. meat
@ -13405,12 +13413,6 @@ You know the Norplant thing? It's a new birth control device for women.
It's a cartridge, that goes in your arm. Well, they're coming out with
a new one for men: it's a brain, that goes in your head.
%
Miss Mona: You know what burns my ass?
Ed Earl: What?
Miss Mona: A flame about three feet high!
-- Dolly Parton and Burt Reynolds,
"The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas"
%
You might get caught holding the bag. Say she's your sister.
%
You pedophiliac sodomizer of ducklings!!
@ -13494,6 +13496,3 @@ To a couple of truckers from Erie P.A.,
Zippity doo dah, zippity ay.
-- John Valby
%
Roumanian-Yiddish cooking has killed more Jews than Hitler.
-- Zero Mostel
%

830
games/fortune/datfiles/freebsd-tips
View File

@ -1,111 +1,54 @@
This fortune brought to you by:
$FreeBSD$
%
Having trouble using fetch through a firewall? Try setting the environment
variable FTP_PASSIVE_MODE to yes, and see fetch(3) for more details.
Any user that is a member of the wheel group can use "su -" to simulate
a root login. You can add a user to the wheel group by editing /etc/group.
-- Konstantinos Konstantinidis <kkonstan@duth.gr>
%
By pressing "Scroll Lock" you can use the arrow keys to scroll backward
through the console output. Press "Scroll Lock" again to turn it off.
%
Want colour in your directory listings? Use "ls -G". "ls -F" is also useful,
and they can be combined as "ls -FG".
Can't remember if you've installed a certain port or not? Try "pkg_info
-Ix port_name".
%
If you need to ask a question on the FreeBSD-questions mailing list then
Ever wonder what those numbers after command names were, as in cat(1)? It's
the section of the manual the man page is in. "man man" will tell you more.
-- David Scheidt <dscheidt@tumbolia.com>
%
Forget how to spell a word or a variation of a word? Use
http://www.FreeBSD.org/doc/en_US.ISO8859-1/articles/\
freebsd-questions/index.html
contains lots of useful advice to help you get the best results.
look portion_of_word_you_know
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
If you'd like to keep track of applications in the FreeBSD ports tree, take a
look at FreshPorts;
http://www.freshports.org/
Forget what directory you are in? Type "pwd".
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
To search for files that match a particular name, use find(1); for example
find / -name "*GENERIC*" -ls
will search '/', and all subdirectories, for files with 'GENERIC' in the name.
-- Stephen Hilton <nospam@hiltonbsd.com>
Forget when Easter is? Try "ncal -e". If you need the date for Orthodox
Easter, use "ncal -o" instead.
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
In tcsh, you can `set autolist' to have the shell automatically show
all the possible matches when doing filename/directory expansion.
FreeBSD is started up by the program 'init'. The first thing init does when
starting multiuser mode (ie, starting the computer up for normal use) is to
run the shell script /etc/rc. By reading /etc/rc and the /etc/rc.d/ scripts,
you can learn a lot about how the system is put together, which again will
make you more confident about what happens when you do something with it.
%
You can `set autologout = 30' to have tcsh log you off automatically
if you leave the shell idle for more than 30 minutes.
Handy bash(1) prompt: PS1="\u@\h \w \!$ "
-- David Scheidt <dscheidt@tumbolia.com>
%
If you `set filec' (file completion) in tcsh and write a part of the
filename, pressing TAB will show you the available choices when there
is more than one, or complete the filename if there's only one match.
Having trouble using fetch through a firewall? Try setting the environment
variable FTP_PASSIVE_MODE to yes, and see fetch(3) for more details.
%
You can press up-arrow or down-arrow to walk through a list of
previous commands in tcsh.
If other operating systems have damaged your Master Boot Record, you can
reinstall it either with /usr/sbin/sysinstall or with boot0cfg(8). See
"man boot0cfg" for details.
%
You can disable tcsh's terminal beep if you `set nobeep'.
If you accidentally end up inside vi, you can quit it by pressing Escape, colon
(:), q (q), bang (!) and pressing return.
%
If you `set watch = (0 any any)' in tcsh, you will be notified when
someone logs in or out of your system.
%
Nice tcsh prompt: set prompt = '%m %# '
%
Nice tcsh prompt: set prompt = '%n@%m%# '
%
Nice tcsh prompt: set prompt = '%n@%m:%~%# '
%
Nice tcsh prompt: set prompt = '%n@%m:%/%# '
%
Nice tcsh prompt: set prompt = '[%B%m%b] %B%~%b%# '
%
Simple tcsh prompt: set prompt = '%# '
%
If you want df(1) and other commands to display disk sizes in
kilobytes instead of 512-byte blocks, set BLOCKSIZE in your
environment to 'K'. You can also use 'M' for Megabytes or 'G' for
Gigabytes. If you want df(1) to automatically select the best size
then use 'df -h'.
%
To change an environment variable in tcsh you use: setenv NAME "value"
where NAME is the name of the variable and "value" its new value.
%
To change an environment variable in /bin/sh use:
$ VARIABLE="value"
$ export VARIABLE
%
You can use /etc/make.conf to control the options used to compile software
on this system. Example entries are in
/usr/share/examples/etc/make.conf.
%
To do a fast search for a file, try
locate filename
locate uses a database that is updated every Saturday (assuming your computer
is running FreeBSD at the time) to quickly find files based on name only.
%
In order to search for a string in some files, use 'grep' like this:
grep "string" filename1 [filename2 filename3 ...]
This will print out the lines in the files that contain the string. grep can
also do a lot more advanced searches - type 'man grep' for details.
%
You can use the 'fetch' command to retrieve files over ftp or http.
fetch http://www.FreeBSD.org/index.html
will download the front page of the FreeBSD web site.
%
In order to make fetch (the FreeBSD downloading tool) ask for
username/password when it encounters a password-protected web page, you can set
the environment variable HTTP_AUTH to 'basic:*'.
%
You can permanently set environment variables for your shell by putting them
in a startup file for the shell. The name of the startup file varies
depending on the shell - csh and tcsh uses .login, bash, sh, ksh and zsh use
.profile. When using bash, sh, ksh or zsh, don't forget to export the
variable.
If you are in the C shell and have just installed a new program, you won't
be able to run it unless you first type "rehash".
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
If you are running xterm, the default TERM variable will be 'xterm'. If you
set this environment variable to 'xterm-color' instead, a lot of programs will
@ -123,41 +66,82 @@ If you do not want to get beeps in X11 (X Windows), you can turn them off with
xset b off
%
You can look through a file in a nice text-based interface by typing
If you have a CD-ROM drive in your machine, you can make the CD-ROM that is
presently inserted available by typing 'mount /cdrom' as root. The CD-ROM
will be available under /cdrom/. Remember to do 'umount /cdrom' before
removing the CD-ROM (it will usually not be possible to remove the CD-ROM
without doing this.)
less filename
Note: This tip may not work in all configurations.
%
The default editor in FreeBSD is vi, which is efficient to use when you have
learned it, but somewhat user-unfriendly. To use ee (an easier but less
powerful editor) instead, set the environment variable EDITOR to /usr/bin/ee
If you need a reminder to leave your terminal, type "leave +hhmm" where
"hhmm" represents in how many hours and minutes you need to leave.
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
If you accidentally end up inside vi, you can quit it by pressing Escape, colon
(:), q (q), bang (!) and pressing return.
If you need to ask a question on the FreeBSD-questions mailing list then
http://www.FreeBSD.org/doc/en_US.ISO8859-1/articles/\
freebsd-questions/index.html
contains lots of useful advice to help you get the best results.
%
You can use aliases to decrease the amount of typing you need to do to get
commands you commonly use. Examples of fairly popular aliases include (in
Bourne shell style, as in /bin/sh, bash, ksh, and zsh):
If you `set filec' (file completion) in tcsh and write a part of the
filename, pressing TAB will show you the available choices when there
is more than one, or complete the filename if there's only one match.
%
If you `set watch = (0 any any)' in tcsh, you will be notified when
someone logs in or out of your system.
%
If you use the C shell, add the following line to the .cshrc file in your
home directory to prevent core files from being written to disk:
alias lf="ls -FA"
alias ll="ls -lA"
alias su="su -m"
limit coredumpsize 0
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
If you want df(1) and other commands to display disk sizes in
kilobytes instead of 512-byte blocks, set BLOCKSIZE in your
environment to 'K'. You can also use 'M' for Megabytes or 'G' for
Gigabytes. If you want df(1) to automatically select the best size
then use 'df -h'.
%
If you want to play CDs with FreeBSD, a utility for this is already included.
Type 'cdcontrol' then 'help' to learn more. (You may need to set the CDROM
environment variable in order to make cdcontrol want to start.)
%
If you want to quickly check for duplicate package/port installations,
try the following pkg_info command.
In csh or tcsh, these would be
pkg_info | sort | sed -e 's/-[0-9].*$//' | \
uniq -c | grep -v '^[[:space:]]*1'
%
If you'd like to keep track of applications in the FreeBSD ports tree, take a
look at FreshPorts;
alias lf ls -FA
alias ll ls -lA
alias su su -m
http://www.freshports.org/
%
In order to make fetch (the FreeBSD downloading tool) ask for
username/password when it encounters a password-protected web page, you can set
the environment variable HTTP_AUTH to 'basic:*'.
%
In order to search for a string in some files, use 'grep' like this:
To remove an alias, you can usually use 'unalias aliasname'. To list all
aliases, you can usually type just 'alias'.
grep "string" filename1 [filename2 filename3 ...]
This will print out the lines in the files that contain the string. grep can
also do a lot more advanced searches - type 'man grep' for details.
%
In order to support national characters for European languages in tools like
less without creating other nationalisation aspects, set the environment
variable LC_ALL to 'en_US.ISO8859-1'.
%
You can search for documentation on a keyword by typing
apropos keyword
In tcsh, you can `set autolist' to have the shell automatically show
all the possible matches when doing filename/directory expansion.
%
"man firewall" will give advice for building a FreeBSD firewall
-- David Scheidt <dscheidt@tumbolia.com>
%
"man hier" will explain the way FreeBSD filesystems are normally laid out.
-- David Scheidt <dscheidt@tumbolia.com>
%
Man pages are divided into section depending on topic. There are 9 different
sections numbered from 1 (General Commands) to 9 (Kernel Developer's Manual).
@ -169,23 +153,263 @@ In other words, to get the intro to general commands, type
man 1 intro
%
FreeBSD is started up by the program 'init'. The first thing init does when
starting multiuser mode (ie, starting the computer up for normal use) is to
run the shell script /etc/rc. By reading /etc/rc and the /etc/rc.d/ scripts,
you can learn a lot about how the system is put together, which again will
make you more confident about what happens when you do something with it.
"man ports" gives many useful hints about installing FreeBSD ports.
%
If you want to play CDs with FreeBSD, a utility for this is already included.
Type 'cdcontrol' then 'help' to learn more. (You may need to set the CDROM
environment variable in order to make cdcontrol want to start.)
"man security" gives very good advice on how to tune the security of your
FreeBSD system.
%
If you have a CD-ROM drive in your machine, you can make the CD-ROM that is
presently inserted available by typing 'mount /cdrom' as root. The CD-ROM
will be available under /cdrom/. Remember to do 'umount /cdrom' before
removing the CD-ROM (it will usually not be possible to remove the CD-ROM
without doing this.)
"man tuning" gives some tips how to tune performance of your FreeBSD system.
-- David Scheidt <dscheidt@tumbolia.com>
%
Need to do a search in a manpage or in a file you've sent to a pager? Use
"/search_word". To repeat the same search, type "n" for next.
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
Need to find the location of a program? Use "locate program_name".
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
Need to leave your terminal for a few minutes and don't want to logout?
Use "lock -p". When you return, use your password as the key to unlock the
terminal.
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
Need to print a manpage? Use
Note: This tip may not work in all configurations.
man name_of_manpage | col -bx | lpr
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
Need to quickly empty a file? Use ": > filename".
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
Need to quickly return to your home directory? Type "cd".
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
Need to remove all those ^M characters from a DOS file? Try
tr -d \\r < dosfile > newfile
-- Originally by Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
Need to see the calendar for this month? Simply type "cal". To see the
whole year, type "cal -y".
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
Need to see which daemons are listening for connection requests? Use
"sockstat -4l" for IPv4, and "sockstat -l" for IPv4 and IPv6.
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
Need to see your routing table? Type "netstat -rn". The entry with the G
flag is your gateway.
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
Nice bash prompt: PS1='(\[$(tput md)\]\t <\w>\[$(tput me)\]) $(echo $?) \$ '
-- Mathieu <mathieu@hal.interactionvirtuelle.com>
%
Nice tcsh prompt: set prompt = '[%B%m%b] %B%~%b%# '
%
Nice tcsh prompt: set prompt = '%m %# '
%
Nice tcsh prompt: set prompt = '%n@%m%# '
%
Over quota? "du -s * | sort -n " will give you a sorted list of your
directory sizes.
-- David Scheidt <dscheidt@tumbolia.com>
%
ports/net/netcat port is useful not only for redirecting input/output
to TCP or UDP connections, but also for proxying them with inetd(8).
%
sh (the default Bourne shell in FreeBSD) supports command-line editing. Just
``set -o emacs'' or ``set -o vi'' to enable it.
%
Simple tcsh prompt: set prompt = '%# '
%
The default editor in FreeBSD is vi, which is efficient to use when you have
learned it, but somewhat user-unfriendly. To use ee (an easier but less
powerful editor) instead, set the environment variable EDITOR to /usr/bin/ee
%
Time to change your password? Type "passwd" and follow the prompts.
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
To change an environment variable in /bin/sh use:
$ VARIABLE="value"
$ export VARIABLE
%
To change an environment variable in tcsh you use: setenv NAME "value"
where NAME is the name of the variable and "value" its new value.
%
To clear the screen, use "clear". To re-display your screen buffer, press
the scroll lock key and use your page up button. When you're finished,
press the scroll lock key again to get your prompt back.
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
To determine whether a file is a text file, executable, or some other type
of file, use
file filename
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
To do a fast search for a file, try
locate filename
locate uses a database that is updated every Saturday (assuming your computer
is running FreeBSD at the time) to quickly find files based on name only.
%
To erase a line you've written at the command prompt, use "Ctrl-U".
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
To find out the hostname associated with an IP address, use
dig -x IP_address
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
To obtain a neat PostScript rendering of a manual page, use ``-t'' switch
of the man(1) utility: ``man -t <topic>''. For example:
man -t grep > grep.ps # Save the PostScript version to a file
or
man -t printf | lp # Send the PostScript directly to printer
%
To quickly create an empty file, use "touch filename".
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
To read a compressed file without having to first uncompress it, use
"zcat" or "zmore" to view it.
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
To repeat the last command in the C shell, type "!!".
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
To save disk space in your home directory, compress files you rarely
use with "gzip filename".
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
To search for files that match a particular name, use find(1); for example
find / -name "*GENERIC*" -ls
will search '/', and all subdirectories, for files with 'GENERIC' in the name.
-- Stephen Hilton <nospam@hiltonbsd.com>
%
To see all of the directories on your FreeBSD system, type
ls -R / | more
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
To see how long it takes a command to run, type the word "time" before the
command name.
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
To see how much disk space is left on your partitions, use
df -h
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
To see the 10 largest files on a directory or partition, use
du /partition_or_directory_name | sort -rn | head
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
To see the IP addresses currently set on your active interfaces, type
"ifconfig -u".
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
To see the last 10 lines of a long file, use "tail filename". To see the
first 10 lines, use "head filename".
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
To see the last time that you logged in, use lastlogin(8).
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
To see the MAC addresses of the NICs on your system, type
ifconfig -a
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
To see the output from when your computer started, run dmesg(8). If it has
been replaced with other messages, look at /var/run/dmesg.boot.
-- Francisco Reyes <lists@natserv.com>
%
Want colour in your directory listings? Use "ls -G". "ls -F" is also useful,
and they can be combined as "ls -FG".
%
Want to find a specific port, just type the following under /usr/ports,
or one its subdirectories:
"make search name=<port-name>"
or
"make search key=<keyword>"
%
Want to know how many words, lines, or bytes are contained in a file? Type
"wc filename".
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
Want to see how much virtual memory you're using? Just type "swapinfo" to
be shown information about the usage of your swap partitions.
%
Want to strip UTF-8 BOM(Byte Order Mark) from given files?
sed -e '1s/^\xef\xbb\xbf//' < bomfile > newfile
%
Want to use sed(1) to edit a file in place? Well, to replace every 'e' with
an 'o', in a file named 'foo', you can do:
sed -i.bak s/e/o/g foo
And you'll get a backup of the original in a file named 'foo.bak', but if you
want no backup:
sed -i '' s/e/o/g foo
%
When you've made modifications to a file in vi(1) and then find that
you can't write it, type ``<ESC>!rm -f %'' then ``:w!'' to force the
write
This won't work if you don't have write permissions to the directory
and probably won't be suitable if you're editing through a symbolic link.
%
You can adjust the volume of various parts of the sound system in your
computer by typing 'mixer <type> <volume>'. To get a list of what you can
adjust, just type 'mixer'.
%
You can automatically download and install binary packages by doing
pkg_add -r <URL>
where you replace <URL> with the URL to the package. This will also
automatically install the packages the package you download is dependent on
(ie, the packages it needs in order to work.)
%
You can change the video mode on all consoles by adding something like
the following to /etc/rc.conf:
allscreens="80x30"
You can use "vidcontrol -i mode | grep T" for a list of supported text
modes.
-- Konstantinos Konstantinidis <kkonstan@duth.gr>
%
You can disable tcsh's terminal beep if you `set nobeep'.
%
You can get a good generic server install by using the
instant-server port/package. If you have ports installed, you can
install it by doing
# cd /usr/ports/misc/instant-server
# make install && make clean
as root. This will install a collection of packages that is appropriate for
running a "generic" server.
%
You can get a good standard workstation install by using the
instant-workstation port/package. If you have ports installed, you can
install it by doing
# cd /usr/ports/misc/instant-workstation
# make install && make clean
as root. This will install a collection of packages that is convenient to
have on a workstation.
%
You can install extra packages for FreeBSD by using the ports system.
If you have installed it, you can download, compile, and install software by
@ -205,12 +429,69 @@ want after all by typing
as root.
%
Nice bash prompt: PS1='(\[$(tput md)\]\t <\w>\[$(tput me)\]) $(echo $?) \$ '
-- Mathieu <mathieu@hal.interactionvirtuelle.com>
You can look through a file in a nice text-based interface by typing
less filename
%
To see the output from when your computer started, run dmesg(8). If it has
been replaced with other messages, look at /var/run/dmesg.boot.
-- Francisco Reyes <lists@natserv.com>
You can make a log of your terminal session with script(1).
%
You can often get answers to your questions about FreeBSD by searching in the
FreeBSD mailing list archives at
http://www.FreeBSD.org/search/search.html
%
You can open up a new split-screen window in (n)vi with :N or :E and then
use ^w to switch between the two.
%
You can permanently set environment variables for your shell by putting them
in a startup file for the shell. The name of the startup file varies
depending on the shell - csh and tcsh uses .login, bash, sh, ksh and zsh use
.profile. When using bash, sh, ksh or zsh, don't forget to export the
variable.
%
You can press Ctrl-D to quickly exit from a shell, or logout from a
login shell.
-- Konstantinos Konstantinidis <kkonstan@duth.gr>
%
You can press up-arrow or down-arrow to walk through a list of
previous commands in tcsh.
%
You can search for documentation on a keyword by typing
apropos keyword
%
You can `set autologout = 30' to have tcsh log you off automatically
if you leave the shell idle for more than 30 minutes.
%
You can use aliases to decrease the amount of typing you need to do to get
commands you commonly use. Examples of fairly popular aliases include (in
Bourne shell style, as in /bin/sh, bash, ksh, and zsh):
alias lf="ls -FA"
alias ll="ls -lA"
alias su="su -m"
In csh or tcsh, these would be
alias lf ls -FA
alias ll ls -lA
alias su su -m
To remove an alias, you can usually use 'unalias aliasname'. To list all
aliases, you can usually type just 'alias'.
%
You can use /etc/make.conf to control the options used to compile software
on this system. Example entries are in
/usr/share/examples/etc/make.conf.
%
You can use "pkg_info" to see a list of packages you have installed.
-- Konstantinos Konstantinidis <kkonstan@duth.gr>
%
You can use the 'fetch' command to retrieve files over ftp or http.
fetch http://www.FreeBSD.org/index.html
will download the front page of the FreeBSD web site.
%
You can use "whereis" to search standard binary, manual page and source
directories for the specified programs. This can be particularly handy
@ -219,288 +500,3 @@ when you are trying to find where in the ports tree an application is.
Try "whereis netscape" and "whereis whereis".
-- Konstantinos Konstantinidis <kkonstan@duth.gr>
%
You can press Ctrl-D to quickly exit from a shell, or logout from a
login shell.
-- Konstantinos Konstantinidis <kkonstan@duth.gr>
%
You can use "pkg_info" to see a list of packages you have installed.
-- Konstantinos Konstantinidis <kkonstan@duth.gr>
%
You can change the video mode on all consoles by adding something like
the following to /etc/rc.conf:
allscreens="80x30"
You can use "vidcontrol -i mode | grep T" for a list of supported text
modes.
-- Konstantinos Konstantinidis <kkonstan@duth.gr>
%
Any user that is a member of the wheel group can use "su -" to simulate
a root login. You can add a user to the wheel group by editing /etc/group.
-- Konstantinos Konstantinidis <kkonstan@duth.gr>
%
Over quota? "du -s * | sort -n " will give you a sorted list of your
directory sizes.
-- David Scheidt <dscheidt@tumbolia.com>
%
Handy bash(1) prompt: PS1="\u@\h \w \!$ "
-- David Scheidt <dscheidt@tumbolia.com>
%
Ever wonder what those numbers after command names were, as in cat(1)? It's
the section of the manual the man page is in. "man man" will tell you more.
-- David Scheidt <dscheidt@tumbolia.com>
%
"man hier" will explain the way FreeBSD filesystems are normally laid out.
-- David Scheidt <dscheidt@tumbolia.com>
%
"man tuning" gives some tips how to tune performance of your FreeBSD system.
-- David Scheidt <dscheidt@tumbolia.com>
%
"man firewall" will give advice for building a FreeBSD firewall
-- David Scheidt <dscheidt@tumbolia.com>
%
You can often get answers to your questions about FreeBSD by searching in the
FreeBSD mailing list archives at
http://www.FreeBSD.org/search/search.html
%
You can adjust the volume of various parts of the sound system in your
computer by typing 'mixer <type> <volume>'. To get a list of what you can
adjust, just type 'mixer'.
%
You can automatically download and install binary packages by doing
pkg_add -r <URL>
where you replace <URL> with the URL to the package. This will also
automatically install the packages the package you download is dependent on
(ie, the packages it needs in order to work.)
%
You can get a good standard workstation install by using the
instant-workstation port/package. If you have ports installed, you can
install it by doing
# cd /usr/ports/misc/instant-workstation
# make install && make clean
as root. This will install a collection of packages that is convenient to
have on a workstation.
%
You can get a good generic server install by using the
instant-server port/package. If you have ports installed, you can
install it by doing
# cd /usr/ports/misc/instant-server
# make install && make clean
as root. This will install a collection of packages that is appropriate for
running a "generic" server.
%
You can make a log of your terminal session with script(1).
%
"man ports" gives many useful hints about installing FreeBSD ports.
%
"man security" gives very good advice on how to tune the security of your
FreeBSD system.
%
Want to find a specific port, just type the following under /usr/ports,
or one its subdirectories:
"make search name=<port-name>"
or
"make search key=<keyword>"
%
Want to see how much virtual memory you're using? Just type "swapinfo" to
be shown information about the usage of your swap partitions.
%
ports/net/netcat port is useful not only for redirecting input/output
to TCP or UDP connections, but also for proxying them with inetd(8).
%
If other operating systems have damaged your Master Boot Record, you can
reinstall it either with /usr/sbin/sysinstall or with boot0cfg(8). See
"man boot0cfg" for details.
%
Need to see the calendar for this month? Simply type "cal". To see the
whole year, type "cal -y".
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
Need to quickly return to your home directory? Type "cd".
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
To see the last time that you logged in, use lastlogin(8).
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
To clear the screen, use "clear". To re-display your screen buffer, press
the scroll lock key and use your page up button. When you're finished,
press the scroll lock key again to get your prompt back.
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
To save disk space in your home directory, compress files you rarely
use with "gzip filename".
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
To read a compressed file without having to first uncompress it, use
"zcat" or "zmore" to view it.
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
To see how much disk space is left on your partitions, use
df -h
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
To see the 10 largest files on a directory or partition, use
du /partition_or_directory_name | sort -rn | head
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
To determine whether a file is a text file, executable, or some other type
of file, use
file filename
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
Time to change your password? Type "passwd" and follow the prompts.
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
Want to know how many words, lines, or bytes are contained in a file? Type
"wc filename".
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
Need to print a manpage? Use
man name_of_manpage | col -bx | lpr
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
Need to remove all those ^M characters from a DOS file? Try
tr -d \\r < dosfile > newfile
-- Originally by Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
Forget what directory you are in? Type "pwd".
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
If you are in the C shell and have just installed a new program, you won't
be able to run it unless you first type "rehash".
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
Need to leave your terminal for a few minutes and don't want to logout?
Use "lock -p". When you return, use your password as the key to unlock the
terminal.
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
Need to find the location of a program? Use "locate program_name".
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
Forget how to spell a word or a variation of a word? Use
look portion_of_word_you_know
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
To see the last 10 lines of a long file, use "tail filename". To see the
first 10 lines, use "head filename".
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
To see how long it takes a command to run, type the word "time" before the
command name.
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
To quickly create an empty file, use "touch filename".
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
To find out the hostname associated with an IP address, use
dig -x IP_address
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
If you use the C shell, add the following line to the .cshrc file in your
home directory to prevent core files from being written to disk:
limit coredumpsize 0
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
If you need a reminder to leave your terminal, type "leave +hhmm" where
"hhmm" represents in how many hours and minutes you need to leave.
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
Need to do a search in a manpage or in a file you've sent to a pager? Use
"/search_word". To repeat the same search, type "n" for next.
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
Forget when Easter is? Try "ncal -e". If you need the date for Orthodox
Easter, use "ncal -o" instead.
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
Need to see your routing table? Type "netstat -rn". The entry with the G
flag is your gateway.
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
Need to see which daemons are listening for connection requests? Use
"sockstat -4l" for IPv4, and "sockstat -l" for IPv4 and IPv6.
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
Can't remember if you've installed a certain port or not? Try "pkg_info
-Ix port_name".
%
To erase a line you've written at the command prompt, use "Ctrl-U".
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
To repeat the last command in the C shell, type "!!".
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
Need to quickly empty a file? Use ": > filename".
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
To see all of the directories on your FreeBSD system, type
ls -R / | more
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
To see the IP addresses currently set on your active interfaces, type
"ifconfig -u".
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
To see the MAC addresses of the NICs on your system, type
ifconfig -a
-- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
%
You can open up a new split-screen window in (n)vi with :N or :E and then
use ^w to switch between the two.
%
sh (the default Bourne shell in FreeBSD) supports command-line editing. Just
``set -o emacs'' or ``set -o vi'' to enable it.
%
When you've made modifications to a file in vi(1) and then find that
you can't write it, type ``<ESC>!rm -f %'' then ``:w!'' to force the
write
This won't work if you don't have write permissions to the directory
and probably won't be suitable if you're editing through a symbolic link.
%
If you want to quickly check for duplicate package/port installations,
try the following pkg_info command.
pkg_info | sort | sed -e 's/-[0-9].*$//' | \
uniq -c | grep -v '^[[:space:]]*1'
%
Want to use sed(1) to edit a file in place? Well, to replace every 'e' with
an 'o', in a file named 'foo', you can do:
sed -i.bak s/e/o/g foo
And you'll get a backup of the original in a file named 'foo.bak', but if you
want no backup:
sed -i '' s/e/o/g foo
%
To obtain a neat PostScript rendering of a manual page, use ``-t'' switch
of the man(1) utility: ``man -t <topic>''. For example:
man -t grep > grep.ps # Save the PostScript version to a file
or
man -t printf | lp # Send the PostScript directly to printer
%
Want to strip UTF-8 BOM(Byte Order Mark) from given files?
sed -e '1s/^\xef\xbb\xbf//' < bomfile > newfile
%

36
games/fortune/datfiles/limerick
View File

@ -1263,12 +1263,6 @@ Made love to his sweetheart berserkly.
He would break off and fuck her
Horizontally, laterally and verkeley.
%
There was a young lady from Rio
Who slept with the Fornier trio.
As she dropped her panties
She said, "No andantes,
I want this allegro con brio!"
%
A young wife in the outskirts of Reims
Preferred frigging to going to mass.
Said her husband, "Take Jacques,
@ -1377,6 +1371,12 @@ Once buggered a VAX Unibus.
But not the young lad
(Except for the toupee and truss).
%
An earnest young woman in Thrace
Said, "Darling, that's not the right place!"
So he gave her a thwack,
And did on her back,
What he couldn't have done face to face.
%
An Edwardian father named Udgeon,
Whose offspring provoked him to dudgeon,
Used on Saturday nights
@ -1502,12 +1502,6 @@ Who valued her morals too dearly
Only once every year,
And she strained her vagina severely.
%
An earnest young woman in Thrace
Said, "Darling, that's not the right place!"
So he gave her a thwack,
And did on her back,
What he couldn't have done face to face.
%
And then there's the story that's fraught
With disaster -- of balls that got caught,
When a chap took a crap
@ -1697,12 +1691,6 @@ Discovered a marvelous fossil.
And the knot on the end,
T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle.
%
There was a young man from the Coast
Who had an affair with a ghost.
At the height of orgasm
Said the pallid phantasm,
"I think I can feel it -- almost!"
%
There once was a bishop from Birmingham
Who deflowered young girls while confirming 'em.
As they knelt on the hassock
@ -3144,6 +3132,12 @@ Who amazingly pissed in four streams.
And a fly-button found
Lodged tight in her hole so it seems.
%
There was a young lady from Rio
Who slept with the Fornier trio.
As she dropped her panties
She said, "No andantes,
I want this allegro con brio!"
%
There was a young lady from Siam
Who said to her lover, one Kiam,
"You may kiss me of course,
@ -3770,6 +3764,12 @@ Who boasted so torrid a tool
Explored by this satyr
Seemed almost unpleasantly cool.
%
There was a young man from the Coast
Who had an affair with a ghost.
At the height of orgasm
Said the pallid phantasm,
"I think I can feel it -- almost!"
%
There was a young man from Tibet-
And this is the strangest one yet-
Whose tool was so long,

4186
games/fortune/datfiles/murphy
View File

File diff suppressed because it is too large Load Diff

28
games/fortune/datfiles/murphy-o
View File

@ -1,15 +1,5 @@
%%$FreeBSD$
%
You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.
%
When you're up to your nose in shit,
be sure to keep your mouth shut.
%
One's life tends to be like a beaver's,
one dam thing after another.
%
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
%
All probabilities are 50%: either a thing will
happen or it won't.
@ -17,14 +7,24 @@ This is especially true when dealing with women.
Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
%
Sow your wild oats on Saturday night - then on
Sunday pray for crop failure.
%
Early to rise and early to bed makes a male
healthy and wealthy and dead.
%
It's always the wrong time of the month.
%
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
%
One's life tends to be like a beaver's,
one dam thing after another.
%
Pity the poor egg;
It only gets laid once in its life.
%
It's always the wrong time of the month.
Sow your wild oats on Saturday night - then on
Sunday pray for crop failure.
%
When you're up to your nose in shit,
be sure to keep your mouth shut.
%
You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.
%

252
games/fortune/datfiles/startrek
View File

@ -1,4 +1,107 @@
%% $FreeBSD$
%
"... freedom ... is a worship word..."
"It is our worship word too."
-- Cloud William and Kirk, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown
%
"Beauty is transitory."
"Beauty survives."
-- Spock and Kirk, "That Which Survives", stardate unknown
%
"Can you imagine how life could be improved if we could do away
with jealousy, greed, hate ..."
"It can also be improved by eliminating love, tenderness,
sentiment -- the other side of the coin"
-- Dr. Roger Corby and Kirk,
"What are Little Girls Made Of?", stardate 2712.4
%
"Evil does seek to maintain power by suppressing the truth."
"Or by misleading the innocent."
-- Spock and McCoy, "And The Children Shall Lead",
stardate 5029.5.
%
"Get back to your stations!"
"We're beaming down to the planet, sir."
-- Kirk and Mr. Leslie, "This Side of Paradise",
stardate 3417.3
%
"I think they're going to take all this money that we spend now
on war and death --"
"And make them spend it on life."
-- Edith Keeler and Kirk, "The City on the Edge of Forever",
stardate unknown.
%
"It's hard to believe that something which is neither seen nor
felt can do so much harm."
"That's true. But an idea can't be seen or felt. And that's
what kept the Troglytes in the mines all these centuries. A mistaken idea."
-- Vanna and Kirk, "The Cloud Minders", stardate 5819.0
%
"Life and death are seldom logical."
"But attaining a desired goal always is."
-- McCoy and Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2821.7
%
"Logic and practical information do not seem to apply here."
"You admit that?"
"To deny the facts would be illogical, Doctor"
-- Spock and McCoy, "A Piece of the Action", stardate unknown
%
"No one talks peace unless he's ready to back it up with war."
"He talks of peace if it is the only way to live."
-- Colonel Green and Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain",
stardate 5906.5.
%
"That unit is a woman."
"A mass of conflicting impulses."
-- Spock and Nomad, "The Changeling", stardate 3541.9
%
"The combination of a number of things to make existence worthwhile."
"Yes, the philosophy of 'none,' meaning 'all.'"
-- Spock and Lincoln, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.4
%
"The glory of creation is in its infinite diversity."
"And in the way our differences combine to create meaning and
beauty."
-- Dr. Miranda Jones and Spock,
"Is There in Truth No Beauty?", stardate 5630.8
%
"The release of emotion is what keeps us healthy. Emotionally
healthy."
"That may be, Doctor. However, I have noted that the healthy
release of emotion is frequently unhealthy for those closest to you."
-- McCoy and Spock, "Plato's Stepchildren", stardate 5784.3
%
"There's only one kind of woman ..."
"Or man, for that matter. You either believe in yourself or
you don't."
-- Kirk and Harry Mudd, "Mudd's Women", stardate 1330.1
%
"We have the right to survive!"
"Not by killing others."
-- Deela and Kirk, "Wink of An Eye", stardate 5710.5
%
"What a terrible way to die."
"There are no good ways."
-- Sulu and Kirk, "That Which Survives", stardate unknown
%
"What happened to the crewman?"
"The M-5 computer needed a new power source, the crewman merely
got in the way."
-- Kirk and Dr. Richard Daystrom, "The Ultimate Computer",
stardate 4731.3.
%
... bacteriological warfare ... hard to believe we were once foolish
enough to play around with that.
-- McCoy, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown
%
... The prejudices people feel about each other disappear when they get
to know each other.
-- Kirk, "Elaan of Troyius", stardate 4372.5
%
... The things love can drive a man to -- the ecstasies, the
miseries, the broken rules, the desperate chances, the glorious
failures and the glorious victories.
-- McCoy, "Requiem for Methuselah", stardate 5843.7
%
A father doesn't destroy his children.
-- Lt. Carolyn Palamas, "Who Mourns for Adonais?",
@ -47,14 +150,6 @@ Another war ... must it always be so? How many comrades have we lost
in this way? ... Obedience. Duty. Death, and more death ...
-- Romulan Commander, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
%
... bacteriological warfare ... hard to believe we were once foolish
enough to play around with that.
-- McCoy, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown
%
"Beauty is transitory."
"Beauty survives."
-- Spock and Kirk, "That Which Survives", stardate unknown
%
Behind every great man, there is a woman -- urging him on.
-- Harry Mudd, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3
%
@ -66,13 +161,6 @@ But it's real. And if it's real it can be affected ... we may not be
able to break it, but, I'll bet you credits to Navy Beans we can put a
dent in it.
-- deSalle, "Catspaw", stardate 3018.2
%
"Can you imagine how life could be improved if we could do away
with jealousy, greed, hate ..."
"It can also be improved by eliminating love, tenderness,
sentiment -- the other side of the coin"
-- Dr. Roger Corby and Kirk,
"What are Little Girls Made Of?", stardate 2712.4
%
Change is the essential process of all existence.
-- Spock, "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield", stardate 5730.2
@ -89,13 +177,13 @@ man. And nothing can replace it or him.
Conquest is easy. Control is not.
-- Kirk, "Mirror, Mirror", stardate unknown
%
Death, when unnecessary, is a tragic thing.
-- Flint, "Requiem for Methuselah", stardate 5843.7
%
Death. Destruction. Disease. Horror. That's what war is all about.
That's what makes it a thing to be avoided.
-- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.0
%
Death, when unnecessary, is a tragic thing.
-- Flint, "Requiem for Methuselah", stardate 5843.7
%
Do you know about being with somebody? Wanting to be? If I had the
whole universe, I'd give it to you, Janice. When I see you, I feel
like I'm hungry all over. Do you know how that feels?
@ -131,39 +219,25 @@ mistakes.
%
Every living thing wants to survive.
-- Spock, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
%
"Evil does seek to maintain power by suppressing the truth."
"Or by misleading the innocent."
-- Spock and McCoy, "And The Children Shall Lead",
stardate 5029.5.
%
Extreme feminine beauty is always disturbing.
-- Spock, "The Cloud Minders", stardate 5818.4
%
Fascinating is a word I use for the unexpected.
-- Spock, "The Squire of Gothos", stardate 2124.5
%
Fascinating, a totally parochial attitude.
-- Spock, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
%
Fascinating is a word I use for the unexpected.
-- Spock, "The Squire of Gothos", stardate 2124.5
%
First study the enemy. Seek weakness.
-- Romulan Commander, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
%
Four thousand throats may be cut in one night by a running man.
-- Klingon Soldier, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown
%
"... freedom ... is a worship word..."
"It is our worship word too."
-- Cloud William and Kirk, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown
%
Genius doesn't work on an assembly line basis. You can't simply say,
"Today I will be brilliant."
-- Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
%
"Get back to your stations!"
"We're beaming down to the planet, sir."
-- Kirk and Mr. Leslie, "This Side of Paradise",
stardate 3417.3
%
He's dead, Jim
-- McCoy, "The Devil in the Dark", stardate 3196.1
@ -191,27 +265,12 @@ circumstances such as these, but I neither enjoy the idea of command
nor am I frightened of it. It simply exists, and I will do whatever
logically needs to be done.
-- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2812.7
%
"I think they're going to take all this money that we spend now
on war and death --"
"And make them spend it on life."
-- Edith Keeler and Kirk, "The City on the Edge of Forever",
stardate unknown.
%
I thought my people would grow tired of killing. But you were right,
they see it is easier than trading. And it has its pleasures. I feel
it myself. Like the hunt, but with richer rewards.
-- Apella, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8
%
I'm a soldier, not a diplomat. I can only tell the truth.
-- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3198.9
%
I'm frequently appalled by the low regard you Earthmen have for life.
-- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3
%
I've already got a female to worry about. Her name is the Enterprise.
-- Kirk, "The Corbomite Maneuver", stardate 1514.0
%
If a man had a child who'd gone anti-social, killed perhaps, he'd still
tend to protect that child.
-- McCoy, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
@ -225,6 +284,12 @@ If some day we are defeated, well, war has its fortunes, good and bad.
If there are self-made purgatories, then we all have to live in them.
-- Spock, "This Side of Paradise", stardate 3417.7
%
I'm a soldier, not a diplomat. I can only tell the truth.
-- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3198.9
%
I'm frequently appalled by the low regard you Earthmen have for life.
-- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3
%
Immortality consists largely of boredom.
-- Zefrem Cochrane, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
%
@ -278,11 +343,8 @@ It would be illogical to kill without reason
It would seem that evil retreats when forcibly confronted
-- Yarnek of Excalbia, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5
%
"It's hard to believe that something which is neither seen nor
felt can do so much harm."
"That's true. But an idea can't be seen or felt. And that's
what kept the Troglytes in the mines all these centuries. A mistaken idea."
-- Vanna and Kirk, "The Cloud Minders", stardate 5819.0
I've already got a female to worry about. Her name is the Enterprise.
-- Kirk, "The Corbomite Maneuver", stardate 1514.0
%
Killing is stupid; useless!
-- McCoy, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8
@ -298,18 +360,9 @@ Landru! Guide us!
%
Leave bigotry in your quarters; there's no room for it on the bridge.
-- Kirk, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
%
"Life and death are seldom logical."
"But attaining a desired goal always is."
-- McCoy and Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2821.7
%
Live long and prosper.
-- Spock, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7
%
"Logic and practical information do not seem to apply here."
"You admit that?"
"To deny the facts would be illogical, Doctor"
-- Spock and McCoy, "A Piece of the Action", stardate unknown
%
Lots of people drink from the wrong bottle sometimes.
-- Edith Keeler, "The City on the Edge of Forever",
@ -350,11 +403,6 @@ No one can guarantee the actions of another.
%
No one may kill a man. Not for any purpose. It cannot be condoned.
-- Kirk, "Spock's Brain", stardate 5431.6
%
"No one talks peace unless he's ready to back it up with war."
"He talks of peace if it is the only way to live."
-- Colonel Green and Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain",
stardate 5906.5.
%
No one wants war.
-- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3201.7
@ -438,14 +486,6 @@ Suffocating together ... would create heroic camaraderie.
%
Superior ability breeds superior ambition.
-- Spock, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9
%
"That unit is a woman."
"A mass of conflicting impulses."
-- Spock and Nomad, "The Changeling", stardate 3541.9
%
"The combination of a number of things to make existence worthwhile."
"Yes, the philosophy of 'none,' meaning 'all.'"
-- Spock and Lincoln, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.4
%
The face of war has never changed. Surely it is more logical to heal
than to kill.
@ -455,12 +495,6 @@ The games have always strengthened us. Death becomes a familiar
pattern. We don't fear it as you do.
-- Proconsul Marcus Claudius, "Bread and Circuses",
stardate 4041.2
%
"The glory of creation is in its infinite diversity."
"And in the way our differences combine to create meaning and
beauty."
-- Dr. Miranda Jones and Spock,
"Is There in Truth No Beauty?", stardate 5630.8
%
The heart is not a logical organ.
-- Dr. Janet Wallace, "The Deadly Years", stardate 3479.4
@ -490,27 +524,12 @@ destroying or interfering with the creation of that which we love so
deeply -- life in every form from fetus to developed being.
-- Hodin of Gideon, "The Mark of Gideon", stardate 5423.4
%
... The prejudices people feel about each other disappear when they get
to know each other.
-- Kirk, "Elaan of Troyius", stardate 4372.5
%
"The release of emotion is what keeps us healthy. Emotionally
healthy."
"That may be, Doctor. However, I have noted that the healthy
release of emotion is frequently unhealthy for those closest to you."
-- McCoy and Spock, "Plato's Stepchildren", stardate 5784.3
%
The sight of death frightens them [Earthers].
-- Kras the Klingon, "Friday's Child", stardate 3497.2
%
The sooner our happiness together begins, the longer it will last.
-- Miramanee, "The Paradise Syndrome", stardate 4842.6
%
... The things love can drive a man to -- the ecstasies, the
miseries, the broken rules, the desperate chances, the glorious
failures and the glorious victories.
-- McCoy, "Requiem for Methuselah", stardate 5843.7
%
There are always alternatives.
-- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3
%
@ -550,11 +569,6 @@ nothing good in war. Except its ending.
There's nothing disgusting about it [the Companion]. It's just another
life form, that's all. You get used to those things.
-- McCoy, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
%
"There's only one kind of woman ..."
"Or man, for that matter. You either believe in yourself or
you don't."
-- Kirk and Harry Mudd, "Mudd's Women", stardate 1330.1
%
This cultural mystique surrounding the biological function -- you
realize humans are overly preoccupied with the subject.
@ -601,12 +615,6 @@ Vulcans worship peace above all.
Wait! You have not been prepared!
-- Mr. Atoz, "Tomorrow is Yesterday", stardate 3113.2
%
War is never imperative.
-- McCoy, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
%
War isn't a good life, but it's life.
-- Kirk, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8
%
[War] is instinctive. But the instinct can be fought. We're human
beings with the blood of a million savage years on our hands! But we
can stop it. We can admit that we're killers ... but we're not going
@ -614,6 +622,12 @@ to kill today. That's all it takes! Knowing that we're not going to
kill today!
-- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.0
%
War is never imperative.
-- McCoy, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
%
War isn't a good life, but it's life.
-- Kirk, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8
%
We do not colonize. We conquer. We rule. There is no other way for
us.
-- Rojan, "By Any Other Name", stardate 4657.5
@ -628,10 +642,6 @@ development.
%
We have phasers, I vote we blast 'em!
-- Bailey, "The Corbomite Maneuver", stardate 1514.2
%
"We have the right to survive!"
"Not by killing others."
-- Deela and Kirk, "Wink of An Eye", stardate 5710.5
%
We Klingons believe as you do -- the sick should die. Only the strong
should live.
@ -641,20 +651,10 @@ We're all sorry for the other guy when he loses his job to a machine.
But when it comes to your job -- that's different. And it always will
be different.
-- McCoy, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4729.4
%
"What happened to the crewman?"
"The M-5 computer needed a new power source, the crewman merely
got in the way."
-- Kirk and Dr. Richard Daystrom, "The Ultimate Computer",
stardate 4731.3.
%
What kind of love is that? Not to be loved; never to have shown love.
-- Commissioner Nancy Hedford, "Metamorphosis",
stardate 3219.8
%
"What a terrible way to die."
"There are no good ways."
-- Sulu and Kirk, "That Which Survives", stardate unknown
%
When a child is taught ... its programmed with simple instructions --
and at some point, if its mind develops properly, it exceeds the sum of
@ -703,6 +703,9 @@ woman.
Yes, it is written. Good shall always destroy evil.
-- Sirah the Yang, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown
%
You! What PLANET is this?!
-- McCoy, "The City on the Edge of Forever", stardate 3134.0
%
You are an excellent tactician, Captain. You let your second in
command attack while you sit and watch for weakness.
-- Khan Noonian Singh, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9
@ -735,9 +738,6 @@ soldiers.
-- Kor, the Klingon Commander, "Errand of Mercy",
stardate 3201.7
%
You! What PLANET is this?!
-- McCoy, "The City on the Edge of Forever", stardate 3134.0
%
You'll learn something about men and women -- the way they're supposed
to be. Caring for each other, being happy with each other, being good
to each other. That's what we call love. You'll like that a lot.

286
games/fortune/datfiles/zippy
View File

@ -1,4 +1,68 @@
%% $FreeBSD$
%
Talking Pinhead Blues:
Oh, I LOST my ``HELLO KITTY'' DOLL and I get BAD reception on channel
TWENTY-SIX!!
Th'HOSTESS FACTORY is closin' down and I just heard ZASU PITTS has been
DEAD for YEARS.. (sniff)
My PLATFORM SHOE collection was CHEWED up by th' dog, ALEXANDER HAIG
won't let me take a SHOWER 'til Easter ... (snurf)
So I went to the kitchen, but WALNUT PANELING whup me upside mah HAID!!
(on no, no, no.. Heh, heh)
%
... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ...
%
... he dominates the DECADENT SUBWAY SCENE.
%
... I don't know why but, suddenly, I want to discuss declining I.Q.
LEVELS with a blue ribbon SENATE SUB-COMMITTEE!
%
... I don't like FRANK SINATRA or his CHILDREN.
%
... I have read the INSTRUCTIONS ...
%
-- I have seen the FUN --
%
-- I love KATRINKA because she drives a PONTIAC. We're going away
now. I fed the cat.
%
... I see TOILET SEATS ...
%
... I think I'd better go back to my DESK and toy with a few common
MISAPPREHENSIONS ...
%
... I want a COLOR T.V. and a VIBRATING BED!!!
%
... I want FORTY-TWO TRYNEL FLOATATION SYSTEMS installed within
SIX AND A HALF HOURS!!!
%
... ich bin in einem dusenjet ins jahr 53 vor chr ... ich lande im
antiken Rom ... einige gladiatoren spielen scrabble ... ich rieche
PIZZA ...
%
... If I had heart failure right now, I couldn't be a more fortunate
man!!
%
... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM
of a KOSHER DELI --
%
... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling
Alley!!
%
... Now, it's time to "HAVE A NAGEELA"!!
%
... or were you driving the PONTIAC that HONKED at me in MIAMI last
Tuesday?
%
... the HIGHWAY is made out of LIME JELLO and my HONDA is a barbequeued
OYSTER! Yum!
%
... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!!
%
... this must be what it's like to be a COLLEGE GRADUATE!!
%
A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAQUIRI!!
%
@ -82,8 +146,6 @@ BELA LUGOSI is my co-pilot ...
%
BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-
%
... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ...
%
Bo Derek ruined my life!
%
Boy, am I glad it's only 1971...
@ -224,8 +286,6 @@ today!
Has everybody got HALVAH spread all over their ANKLES?? ... Now, it's
time to "HAVE A NAGEELA"!!
%
... he dominates the DECADENT SUBWAY SCENE.
%
He is the MELBA-BEING ... the ANGEL CAKE ... XEROX him ... XEROX him --
%
He probably just wants to take over my CELLS and then EXPLODE inside me
@ -233,23 +293,23 @@ like a BARREL of runny CHOPPED LIVER! Or maybe he'd like to
PSYCHOLIGICALLY TERRORISE ME until I have no objection to a RIGHT-WING
MILITARY TAKEOVER of my apartment!! I guess I should call AL PACINO!
%
HELLO KITTY gang terrorizes town, family STICKERED to death!
Hello? Enema Bondage? I'm calling because I want to be happy, I
guess ...
%
Hello. I know the divorce rate among unmarried Catholic Alaskan
females!!
%
Hello... IRON CURTAIN? Send over a SAUSAGE PIZZA! World War III? No
thanks!
%
Hello. Just walk along and try NOT to think about your INTESTINES
being almost FORTY YARDS LONG!!
%
HELLO, everybody, I'm a HUMAN!!
%
Hello, GORRY-O!! I'm a GENIUS from HARVARD!!
%
Hello. I know the divorce rate among unmarried Catholic Alaskan
females!!
%
Hello. Just walk along and try NOT to think about your INTESTINES
being almost FORTY YARDS LONG!!
%
Hello... IRON CURTAIN? Send over a SAUSAGE PIZZA! World War III? No
thanks!
%
Hello? Enema Bondage? I'm calling because I want to be happy, I
guess ...
HELLO KITTY gang terrorizes town, family STICKERED to death!
%
Here I am at the flea market but nobody is buying my urine sample
bottles ...
@ -338,14 +398,9 @@ I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE ... I think it's all
just a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell
more numbers!!
%
... I don't know why but, suddenly, I want to discuss declining I.Q.
LEVELS with a blue ribbon SENATE SUB-COMMITTEE!
%
I don't know WHY I said that ... I think it came from the FILLINGS in
my read molars ...
%
... I don't like FRANK SINATRA or his CHILDREN.
%
I don't understand the HUMOUR of the THREE STOOGES!!
%
I feel ... JUGULAR ...
@ -382,10 +437,6 @@ I have accepted Provolone into my life!
%
I have many CHARTS and DIAGRAMS..
%
... I have read the INSTRUCTIONS ...
%
-- I have seen the FUN --
%
I have seen these EGG EXTENDERS in my Supermarket ...
%
I have seen these EGG EXTENDERS in my Supermarket ... I have read the
@ -434,19 +485,16 @@ I Know A Joke
%
I know how to do SPECIAL EFFECTS!!
%
I know th'MAMBO!! I have a TWO-TONE CHEMISTRY SET!!
%
I know things about TROY DONAHUE that can't even be PRINTED!!
%
I know th'MAMBO!! I have a TWO-TONE CHEMISTRY SET!!
%
I left my WALLET in the BATHROOM!!
%
I like the way ONLY their mouths move ... They look like DYING OYSTERS
%
I like your SNOOPY POSTER!!
%
-- I love KATRINKA because she drives a PONTIAC. We're going away
now. I fed the cat.
%
I love ROCK 'N ROLL! I memorized the all WORDS to "WIPE-OUT" in
1965!!
%
@ -464,8 +512,6 @@ I represent a sardine!!
%
I request a weekend in Havana with Phil Silvers!
%
... I see TOILET SEATS ...
%
I selected E5 ... but I didn't hear "Sam the Sham and the Pharoahs"!
%
I smell a RANCID CORN DOG!
@ -474,9 +520,6 @@ I smell like a wet reducing clinic on Columbus Day!
%
I think I am an overnight sensation right now!!
%
... I think I'd better go back to my DESK and toy with a few common
MISAPPREHENSIONS ...
%
I think I'll KILL myself by leaping out of this 14th STORY WINDOW while
reading ERICA JONG'S poetry!!
%
@ -485,8 +528,6 @@ I think my career is ruined!
I used to be a FUNDAMENTALIST, but then I heard about the HIGH
RADIATION LEVELS and bought an ENCYCLOPEDIA!!
%
... I want a COLOR T.V. and a VIBRATING BED!!!
%
I want a VEGETARIAN BURRITO to go ... with EXTRA MSG!!
%
I want a WESSON OIL lease!!
@ -496,9 +537,6 @@ I want another RE-WRITE on my CAESAR SALAD!!
I want EARS! I want two ROUND BLACK EARS to make me feel warm 'n
secure!!
%
... I want FORTY-TWO TRYNEL FLOATATION SYSTEMS installed within
SIX AND A HALF HOURS!!!
%
I want the presidency so bad I can already taste the hors d'oeuvres.
%
I want to dress you up as TALLULAH BANKHEAD and cover you with VASELINE
@ -544,6 +582,31 @@ I'd like MY data-base JULIENNED and stir-fried!
%
I'd like some JUNK FOOD ... and then I want to be ALONE --
%
If a person is FAMOUS in this country, they have to go on the ROAD for
MONTHS at a time and have their name misspelled on the SIDE of a
GREYHOUND SCENICRUISER!!
%
If elected, Zippy pledges to each and every American a 55-year-old
houseboy ...
%
If I am elected no one will ever have to do their laundry again!
%
If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be
replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!
%
If I felt any more SOPHISTICATED I would DIE of EMBARRASSMENT!
%
If I had a Q-TIP, I could prevent th' collapse of NEGOTIATIONS!!
%
If I pull this SWITCH I'll be RITA HAYWORTH!! Or a SCIENTOLOGIST!
%
if it GLISTENS, gobble it!!
%
If our behavior is strict, we do not need fun!
%
If Robert Di Niro assassinates Walter Slezak, will Jodie Foster marry
Bonzo??
%
I'll eat ANYTHING that's BRIGHT BLUE!!
%
I'll show you MY telex number if you show me YOURS ...
@ -599,9 +662,6 @@ wealthy CORPORATE LAWYERS ...
%
I'm having fun HITCHHIKING to CINCINNATI or FAR ROCKAWAY!!
%
... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM
of a KOSHER DELI --
%
I'm in direct contact with many advanced fun CONCEPTS.
%
I'm into SOFTWARE!
@ -657,45 +717,6 @@ REGIONS!
%
I'm ZIPPY the PINHEAD and I'm totally committed to the festive mode.
%
I've got a COUSIN who works in the GARMENT DISTRICT ...
%
I've got an IDEA!! Why don't I STARE at you so HARD, you forget your
SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER!!
%
I've read SEVEN MILLION books!!
%
... ich bin in einem dusenjet ins jahr 53 vor chr ... ich lande im
antiken Rom ... einige gladiatoren spielen scrabble ... ich rieche
PIZZA ...
%
If a person is FAMOUS in this country, they have to go on the ROAD for
MONTHS at a time and have their name misspelled on the SIDE of a
GREYHOUND SCENICRUISER!!
%
If elected, Zippy pledges to each and every American a 55-year-old
houseboy ...
%
If I am elected no one will ever have to do their laundry again!
%
If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be
replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!
%
If I felt any more SOPHISTICATED I would DIE of EMBARRASSMENT!
%
If I had a Q-TIP, I could prevent th' collapse of NEGOTIATIONS!!
%
... If I had heart failure right now, I couldn't be a more fortunate
man!!
%
If I pull this SWITCH I'll be RITA HAYWORTH!! Or a SCIENTOLOGIST!
%
if it GLISTENS, gobble it!!
%
If our behavior is strict, we do not need fun!
%
If Robert Di Niro assassinates Walter Slezak, will Jodie Foster marry
Bonzo??
%
In 1962, you could buy a pair of SHARKSKIN SLACKS, with a "Continental
Belt," for $10.99!!
%
@ -750,6 +771,13 @@ It's OKAY -- I'm an INTELLECTUAL, too.
%
It's the RINSE CYCLE!! They've ALL IGNORED the RINSE CYCLE!!
%
I've got a COUSIN who works in the GARMENT DISTRICT ...
%
I've got an IDEA!! Why don't I STARE at you so HARD, you forget your
SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER!!
%
I've read SEVEN MILLION books!!
%
JAPAN is a WONDERFUL planet -- I wonder if we'll ever reach their level
of COMPARATIVE SHOPPING ...
%
@ -784,17 +812,17 @@ Like I always say -- nothing can beat the BRATWURST here in DUSSELDORF!!
%
Loni Anderson's hair should be LEGALIZED!!
%
Look! A ladder! Maybe it leads to heaven, or a sandwich!
%
LOOK!! Sullen American teens wearing MADRAS shorts and "Flock of
Seagulls" HAIRCUTS!
%
Look DEEP into the OPENINGS!! Do you see any ELVES or EDSELS ... or a
HIGHBALL?? ...
%
Look into my eyes and try to forget that you have a Macy's charge
card!
%
Look! A ladder! Maybe it leads to heaven, or a sandwich!
%
LOOK!! Sullen American teens wearing MADRAS shorts and "Flock of
Seagulls" HAIRCUTS!
%
Make me look like LINDA RONSTADT again!!
%
Mary Tyler Moore's SEVENTH HUSBAND is wearing my DACRON TANK TOP in a
@ -847,9 +875,6 @@ My nose feels like a bad Ronald Reagan movie ...
%
my NOSE is NUMB!
%
... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling
Alley!!
%
My pants just went to high school in the Carlsbad Caverns!!!
%
My polyvinyl cowboy wallet was made in Hong Kong by Montgomery Clift!
@ -891,21 +916,19 @@ by SMALL BOYS selling FRUIT ...
%
Now KEN and BARBIE are PERMANENTLY ADDICTED to MIND-ALTERING DRUGS ...
%
Now, let's SEND OUT for QUICHE!!
%
Now my EMOTIONAL RESOURCES are heavily committed to 23% of the SMELTING
and REFINING industry of the state of NEVADA!!
%
Now that I have my "APPLE", I comprehend COST ACCOUNTING!!
%
... Now, it's time to "HAVE A NAGEELA"!!
%
Now, let's SEND OUT for QUICHE!!
%
Of course, you UNDERSTAND about the PLAIDS in the SPIN CYCLE --
%
Oh my GOD -- the SUN just fell into YANKEE STADIUM!!
%
Oh, I get it!! "The BEACH goes on", huh, SONNY??
%
Oh my GOD -- the SUN just fell into YANKEE STADIUM!!
%
Okay ... I'm going home to write the "I HATE RUBIK's CUBE HANDBOOK FOR
DEAD CAT LOVERS" ...
%
@ -926,10 +949,6 @@ QUILTING BEES aboard a cruise ship to DISNEYWORLD if only we let it!!
On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a
POINT.
%
Once upon a time, four AMPHIBIOUS HOG CALLERS attacked a family of
DEFENSELESS, SENSITIVE COIN COLLECTORS and brought DOWN their PROPERTY
VALUES!!
%
Once, there was NO fun ... This was before MENU planning, FASHION
statements or NAUTILUS equipment ... Then, in 1985 ... FUN was
completely encoded in this tiny MICROCHIP ... It contain 14,768 vaguely
@ -937,15 +956,16 @@ amusing SIT-COM pilots!! We had to wait FOUR BILLION years but we
finally got JERRY LEWIS, MTV and a large selection of creme-filled
snack cakes!
%
One FISHWICH coming up!!
Once upon a time, four AMPHIBIOUS HOG CALLERS attacked a family of
DEFENSELESS, SENSITIVE COIN COLLECTORS and brought DOWN their PROPERTY
VALUES!!
%
ONE: I will donate my entire "BABY HUEY" comic book collection to
the downtown PLASMA CENTER ...
TWO: I won't START a BAND called "KHADAFY & THE HIT SQUAD" ...
THREE: I won't ever TUMBLE DRY my FOX TERRIER again!!
%
... or were you driving the PONTIAC that HONKED at me in MIAMI last
Tuesday?
One FISHWICH coming up!!
%
Our father who art in heaven ... I sincerely pray that SOMEBODY at this
table will PAY for my SHREDDED WHAT and ENGLISH MUFFIN ... and also
@ -1003,12 +1023,12 @@ hair stylist or my failure to refer five TEENAGERS to a good OCULIST?
%
Sign my PETITION.
%
So this is what it feels like to be potato salad
%
So, if we convert SUPPLY-SIDE SOYABEAN FUTURES into HIGH-YIELD T-BILL
INDICATORS, the PRE-INFLATIONARY risks will DWINDLE to a rate of 2
SHOPPING SPREES per EGGPLANT!!
%
So this is what it feels like to be potato salad
%
someone in DAYTON, Ohio is selling USED CARPETS to a SERBO-CROATIAN
%
Sometime in 1993 NANCY SINATRA will lead a BLOODLESS COUP on GUAM!!
@ -1025,19 +1045,6 @@ to Beaver"!
Spreading peanut butter reminds me of opera!! I wonder why?
%
TAILFINS!! ... click ...
%
Talking Pinhead Blues:
Oh, I LOST my ``HELLO KITTY'' DOLL and I get BAD reception on channel
TWENTY-SIX!!
Th'HOSTESS FACTORY is closin' down and I just heard ZASU PITTS has been
DEAD for YEARS.. (sniff)
My PLATFORM SHOE collection was CHEWED up by th' dog, ALEXANDER HAIG
won't let me take a SHOWER 'til Easter ... (snurf)
So I went to the kitchen, but WALNUT PANELING whup me upside mah HAID!!
(on no, no, no.. Heh, heh)
%
TAPPING? You POLITICIANS! Don't you realize that the END of the "Wash
Cycle" is a TREASURED MOMENT for most people?!
@ -1060,13 +1067,8 @@ SPINAL COLUMN is fairly enjoyable!!
%
The FALAFEL SANDWICH lands on my HEAD and I become a VEGETARIAN ...
%
... the HIGHWAY is made out of LIME JELLO and my HONDA is a barbequeued
OYSTER! Yum!
%
The Korean War must have been fun.
%
... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!!
%
The Osmonds! You are all Osmonds!! Throwing up on a freeway at
dawn!!!
%
@ -1094,8 +1096,6 @@ This is a NO-FRILLS flight -- hold th' CANADIAN BACON!!
This MUST be a good party -- My RIB CAGE is being painfully pressed up
against someone's MARTINI!!
%
... this must be what it's like to be a COLLEGE GRADUATE!!
%
This PIZZA symbolizes my COMPLETE EMOTIONAL RECOVERY!!
%
This PORCUPINE knows his ZIPCODE ... And he has "VISA"!!
@ -1117,9 +1117,6 @@ Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!!
%
TONY RANDALL! Is YOUR life a PATIO of FUN??
%
Uh-oh -- WHY am I suddenly thinking of a VENERABLE religious leader
frolicking on a FORT LAUDERDALE weekend?
%
Uh-oh!! I forgot to submit to COMPULSORY URINALYSIS!
%
UH-OH!! I put on "GREAT HEAD-ON TRAIN COLLISIONS of the 50's" by
@ -1132,6 +1129,9 @@ Uh-oh!! I'm having TOO MUCH FUN!!
%
UH-OH!! We're out of AUTOMOBILE PARTS and RUBBER GOODS!
%
Uh-oh -- WHY am I suddenly thinking of a VENERABLE religious leader
frolicking on a FORT LAUDERDALE weekend?
%
Used staples are good with SOY SAUCE!
%
VICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!!
@ -1245,6 +1245,9 @@ Xerox your lunch and file it under "sex offenders"!
Yes, but will I see the EASTER BUNNY in skintight leather at an IRON
MAIDEN concert?
%
YOU!! Give me the CUTEST, PINKEST, most charming little VICTORIAN
DOLLHOUSE you can find!! An make it SNAPPY!!
%
You can't hurt me!! I have an ASSUMABLE MORTGAGE!!
%
You mean now I can SHOOT YOU in the back and further BLUR th'
@ -1259,9 +1262,6 @@ CAREER!!
%
You were s'posed to laugh!
%
YOU!! Give me the CUTEST, PINKEST, most charming little VICTORIAN
DOLLHOUSE you can find!! An make it SNAPPY!!
%
Your CHEEKS sit like twin NECTARINES above a MOUTH that knows no BOUNDS --
%
Youth of today! Join me in a mass rally for traditional mental
@ -1283,6 +1283,10 @@ Yow! Are you the self-frying president?
%
Yow! Did something bad happen or am I in a drive-in movie??
%
YOW!! Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL!
%
YOW!!! I am having fun!!!
%
Yow! I just went below the poverty line!
%
Yow! I threw up on my window!
@ -1296,6 +1300,8 @@ mill!
%
Yow! I'm imagining a surfer van filled with soy sauce!
%
YOW!! I'm in a very clever and adorable INSANE ASYLUM!!
%
Yow! Is my fallout shelter termite proof?
%
Yow! Is this sexual intercourse yet?? Is it, huh, is it??
@ -1309,27 +1315,21 @@ Yow! Maybe I should have asked for my Neutron Bomb in PAISLEY --
Yow! Now I get to think about all the BAD THINGS I did to a BOWLING
BALL when I was in JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL!
%
Yow! Now we can become alcoholics!
%
Yow! Those people look exactly like Donnie and Marie Osmond!!
%
Yow! We're going to a new disco!
%
YOW!! Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL!
%
YOW!! I'm in a very clever and adorable INSANE ASYLUM!!
%
YOW!! Now I understand advanced MICROBIOLOGY and th' new TAX REFORM
laws!!
%
Yow! Now we can become alcoholics!
%
YOW!! The land of the rising SONY!!
%
Yow! Those people look exactly like Donnie and Marie Osmond!!
%
YOW!! Up ahead! It's a DONUT HUT!!
%
Yow! We're going to a new disco!
%
YOW!! What should the entire human race DO?? Consume a fifth of
CHIVAS REGAL, ski NUDE down MT. EVEREST, and have a wild SEX WEEKEND!
%
YOW!!! I am having fun!!!
%
Zippy's brain cells are straining to bridge synapses ...
%